I was reading in the Ensign yesterday morning before I got ready for church.
There was this lovely article in July called "Start Moving"
I saw the title of this article and I didn't think it would apply to my challenges lately, but I love that Topic so I was intrigues anyways. And what do you know? It was just what I needed to hear. I love the way that works. God blesses me when I just try to study every day.
There is this little article on the same page called, "By Small Means"
It is written about someone who is in college. Not yet married. No big responsibilities. Finding extra time in their life to do some of their favorite things, like reading, even.
Now, I am NOT a college student ( I would love that though!) and I have MaNy responsibilities. I am married. But I felt I could still relate with this person because I too have some free time on my hands lately. My children are getting older and more independent. I have to rest because of my health problems. I love reading. I felt some stirrings in my soul as I read this and felt I would really be able to relate to this article if I kept the spirit with me as I read.
This person wrote, "... I was not progressing. I was not exercising my faith or being diligent in anything in my life. I had stopped working toward a goal. I was simply waiting for something to happen."
Now, I could relate to this in a way. I had had so many impressions to slow down. To allow my body to heal when it needed it. To not have such high expectations of myself. To relax.
This is so against my nature that I pretty much felt I had to numb my brain and personality to achieve it. I was relaxing. I was reading. But everyday I was going to bed wishing I had played with the children more.
One day, I played for about five minutes with the kids. It was a goofy little game I made up involving blocks and knocking them down with superhero action figures. I really think it lasted five minutes before I felt I needed to lay down again. That night, as I asked my boys what their favorite part of their day was, each of them said playing with me was it.
I went to bed with a few tears. Wishing I could do more but just not knowing how to begin. I didn't want to overdo it. But mostly, I didn't want to underdo it. Know what I mean? I have felt lost in the mommy area.
I kept reading the Ensign article. He said many things that worked on my heart about just trying to improve in very small ways. Moving forward, even it it was slow. Just moving forward. Then he said this,
"I made a special effort to be more involved in my ward, even if it meant sacrificing some personal time."
This is when I am most grateful for the spirit and the way God takes our efforts to study and makes sure we hear what WE need to hear to become more at peace and in harmony with His ways.
This is what I read to myself,
"I made a special effort to be more involved in my family-- even if it meant sacrificing some personal time."
That was it! That was what I needed to do! Not anything huge. Not anything unmanageable. Not anything that would sacrifice my precarious balance with my health. Just sacrificing personal time. So, say I am feeling well for a minute. Say I have a book calling my name, or some laundry that needs to be a done. A phone call I would love to make to a friend. What if during those times I made, "A SPECIAL effort to be more involved in my family."?
And that is what I will do.
I promised an update on letting others help me.
Yesterday I was released from a very beloved calling. My favorite calling I have ever had. It was really hard. The bishop called me into his office, and desired to give me comforting counsel. I let him. I even tried to listen to his advice. I was given many hugs. I allowed a tear filled goodbye from a woman I worked with in my calling. Instead of blocking these things out and dealing with the pain privately, I looked these lovely people in the eye. I shared tears with them. I thanked them for their kind words. I hugged them. I shook hands with them (if they were guys). Really, I opened my heart and allowed them in. I let them comfort me and tell me it would be okay.
I have to say. I have never felt more loved by my Heavenly Father. I felt a deep contentment way down to the souls of my feet. The feeling still lingers today.