I was reading "Mee Speaks" by Mary Ellen Edmonds a few moments ago. It is a little book I picked up at a Time Out For Women conference.
She has a chapter on Pride in this book-- DUH DUH DUH.....
In this chapter she placed one of my very favorite, personally most pondered quote,
"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfullness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity-- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us... The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's"
I began working backwards.
It would seem (from my recurring dreams and good advice from my WH and earthly father) that God's opinion for me is that I am a control freak. Also, that I need to accept help during my tough trial I am going through. I need to also be careful to never judge others, because I know how much it hurts me when I am judged wrongly.
I have really been interested in changing God's opinion! I have really been fighting to NOT EVER change my opinion that accepting help is the Devil. (It's my honest opinion so I can say it)
Satan is trying to rule over me with these prideful feelings. (Shoot)
If pride is being in a "state of opposition" to my fellow men as well-- well darn. Many of my friends have been telling me to let them help me. Asking if they can help me.
Ummm... To put it lightly, I am in a state of opposition to that.
God has been sending me crazy dreams (I am vulnerable asleep. I am relaxed and a bit less pig-headed. So I get crazy dreams. I am crazy dream lady. I'm sure you are jealous) to let me know He would like me to let go a bit. Just a bit. Okay maybe a bunch. And in my discussions with my WH and earthly father, I have seen that God would like it if I would just accept help already.
In my desire to sound clever and hilarious-- I am not getting to the meat of my experience this morning. So I guess it is time to get serious.
What worries me the most about all of these epiphanies, is this,
"It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us..."
I have had dreams. I have had good advice. I have had friends support.
And I have been in a state of opposition to all of these things. Major opposition.
It wasn't until I read that quote a minute ago that I thought about those feelings and the actions I have been taking are P.R.I.D.E.
That got me thinking-- what if I stopped fighting what I have felt God telling me? What if I stopped being in opposition to him and my wonderful friends and family?
What is the worst that could happen?
Nothing bad would happen. I just would be free. Free from Satan's enslavement.
Those are some freaky thoughts.
I am going to continue pondering that today. Maybe I will try it out. Maybe my panic attack over this new thought (letting others take MY burden on THEM???? Not FAIR!) will go away after a few YEARS.
I need to do some breathing. And Yoga.
God is good and correct, always, but that knowlege isn't helping my current panick. I will work on it and try it His way and get back to you though.
I am going to try letting others help me. Man that sounds hard.
Wish me luck. Or pray for me. Prayer usually works better.