Saturday, October 19, 2013

Who I am

At one point in my life I had a boyfriend who was poisoning my mind.  He told me over and over how I was unworthy, worthless, and less than. I believed him until I began a serious study of how God felt about me.  I thought I was just studying the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I thought I was just studying the scriptures to learn more about religion.  I couldn't learn about those things without learning what God feels about me.  They went hand in hand.  My religion taught me how valuable I am personally to God.  It was surprising.  It gave me power to take my life into my own hands and this boy's words one day didn't have any more power over me because of it.

Later in my life I was poisoning my own mind.  I told myself I was disgustingly fat, unworthy of love, and therefore worthless on this earth.  (I had children during this time.  Stupid girl.)  Because of what I looked like, I punished myself on a daily basis.  This continued until I began a serious study of again, my religion and how God felt about me.  My church believes there is always hope in the atonement because God finds me infinitely valuable.

I still remember both times how powerfully I felt the Holy Ghost affirm how God felt about me.  It was overwhelming.  It was shocking.  I wasn't in a place either time that I would have believed it otherwise.

What pulled me out of these places of lies each time was finding out who I was.  And I was God's.  It was finding out who God thought I was.  And he thought I was wonderful and full of potential and value.

I am of worth to God.  So are you.

Truth trumps untruth.  Every time. 

How powerful of a person would I be if I didn't forget how He feels about my worth. 

Lately I have forgotten those experiences.  Well, obviously I didn't forget them because here I am writing about them.  I just didn't have them on the forefront of my mind.  I haven't thought in a long while about how powerful a witness I have already had that I am of worth to God.  When I remember this, no one can tell me any different and have it affect me.  When I remember this, I don't panic when I have pressing questions or concerns, I just wait patiently on the Lord to tell me the truth.  He loves me, so He will tell me when it is right. 

I am His.  So I am of value. 

The end.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Too many thoughts

I have so many thoughts lately about the power of words and how I can do better. I choose garbage words out of laziness. I would feel like I had better manners if I worked harder on choosing bigger words.  Words other than crap and awesome.

(this sign is awesome)

 I also am thinking about faith and how it can be hard to behave a certain way when you have strong personal feelings.  Like when I am mad.  You know.... God says don't get mad.  I get mad sometimes (shhhhh....)  And I was thinking about how controlling my temper would be doing what God says to do.  It would be an act of faith.  So.  Maybe I should have more faith in what God is telling me to do and trust that even though I am seeing red I should keep quiet and master that feeling.  I'm thinking that act of faith would be worth it in the end.

I have been thinking about "Jesus the Christ" by James E Talmage.  Have you read that book?  I have been thinking that whenever I read that book it ruins any church function because all I hear is James E Talmage in the back of my head correcting whoever is talking.  Maybe it is good.  But mostly it ruins church.  I love learning and reading from him though.  There is so much I don't know.

I have been thinking about the push and pull of hard work and peace and rest.  I love getting things done that are hard.  I love the feeling that I have taken good care of my kids.  Hours of homework, vacuuming, talking with them about minecraft, talking with them about the weird liberal things they learn at school (who knows what they might want to discuss??  I just want to be always available!), picking up socks, making dinner interesting despite the fact my kids just want a cheese quesadilla, organizing and cleaning up my home.  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about. 

(what is it about this game?  Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer?)

And then there is rest.  I find lately that I don't rest well unless everything is done.  And um... it never is.  My husband was talking about a work seminar he went to about being a good manager.  The seminar spoke about the art of taking a fifteen minute break.  Yeah that sounds crazy to me. Fifteen minutes is valuable time people.  I can get a lot done in fifteen child free minutes.   Yet, I think if I went ahead and took fifteen minutes to say, eat a snack and sit down- I would then be refreshed so that all the mom projects didn't take me forever because I am dragging my tired, hungry, and therefore irritable body through doing it.  Someday I hope to grow up and perfect taking fifteen minute breaks. 

Lately I am thinking about how different each person is.  I am also thinking about how good people are, yet how easy it is to judge a person by one act.  I think that is wrong.  I think about how that feels wrong lately.  I am so tired of anyone I love being misjudged.  I am also tired of misjudging them myself.  I am too easily critical of those I love.  I am wishing I could just let it go and live my life without ever worrying about how anyone else is living their life.  It's super hard.  It's super dumb that it is super hard. 

I am thinking about body image.  What is right?  There is no right.  Body image is personal.  Some people like myself hate gaining weight and it goes waaaaaaay back as to why.  Some people work hard every day to be thin thin thin and fit.  Some people work hard and are not thin.  Some people are cool with not working hard and are still thin.  Some people.... blah blah blah there are so many different "rights" and mostly I am tired of my own inner dialogue and how I go back and forth between believing I am beautiful and having positive inner thoughts and just bashing on myself.  It is getting so old.  And just when I thought I was doing better-- I wasn't anymore.

I have been wrestling with being a good mom and what it means.  Yeah.  I am about to hang this sign in my boys bathroom. 
(its totally motivating)

I have been thinking about protesters.  And faith.  And trust in my religion.  And complacency.  And blind faith vs educated faith.  I respect educated faith more than blind lately.  Yet I spent the first 25-27 years of my life respecting blind faith more.  I can't remember when that shift happened. There is maybe nothing I love better than reading a book by James E Talmage, an educated man, and just drinking in his expertise on Jesus Christ.  It is awesome.  I also loooove listening to anyone educated talking about their views on religion.  It is a breath of fresh air to me.  I think that I also respect protesters when they are educated.  I like hearing what they have to say.  It interests me. I am not a protester.  I think I am not smart enough to be one.

I have been thinking about how blessed I am to have friends lately.  Intelligent friends who can relate to one another and who lift each other up and encourage one another to be amazing all in the same spot are rare.   I feel like God was good to me to gather so many people where I live that I would pay to spend the day with.  And they don't charge. 

There is more.  I am going to stop there for today.

image credits: (so this link is broken but this is where I originally bought the sign for the bathroom)