Can't Sleep... Must Write

(picture source)

I was writing in this very book last Sunday.  I like to keep a pretty blank journal with me, of a smaller size so I can tuck it into my purse and jot down any spiritual impressions I receive.  I find that it is comforting and enlightening to go back and review what I have written.  I often forget the little things the spirit whispers to me if it isn't life altering or shattering.

As I reviewed my notes from church last Sunday, I came across a thought I had jotted down and I would like to explore it right now.

The instructor of the class I was in must have said this,

"The Atonement brings healing."

Under this quote I wrote,

"Physical too?  Do I need physical if I am healed emotionally?"

Growing up I was told over and over again, "Remember who you are."

Over the years I have come to think that means to remember that God created me, just as I am, and He doesn't make mistakes.  So I should accept myself as well as God accepts me.  Completely.

Lately it has been difficult for me to accept that I am limited and sick over half of the time. I don't like it.

My first thought after the instructor talked of healing was of physical healing.  Was it possible for the Atonement to help me physically.

But I thought about how I have been taught to accept myself the way God made me.

If I could tap into the Atonement and be healed of all negative thoughts about my limitations, would I even need to be healed physically?

If I was just okay with myself sick as I am well-- what would be the problem here? 

Not that it would stop being difficult.

Not that my family wouldn't sometimes have challenges it wouldn't have if I was well. 

Not that my friends would suddenly stop having to help me on short notice when I get sick.  (and they don't have to, they just want to.  Unfathomable)

But I just would stop fighting these consequences.  I would accept it as well as I ever accepted being well, because I would know God made me this way .  Whatever challenges I, my family, and my friends have because of it, are all needed.  So there is no reason to worry or stress.

Can the atonement help me this way?  Oh yes, I am thinking it could.

Will I let it?

Introducing: da-dada-daaaaa..... Another Utter Girl

{source}

I want to write, but my thoughts feel like they are stumbling on 'shoulds' and stuff - what I should say, how I should say it, what other people want, how I can get across my message so it is perceived the way I intend... What should matter to me... What should be important enough to write about... What is even worthy of being glanced over by some other reader...

What could I - a simple, stay-at-home mom, with no large resume to show - have to offer any one else? Nothing. Nothing I could possibly offer is worthy, or is going to end world hunger or anything. I think that is why it has taken so long for me to post my first post here. There are so many women and men out there who are more interesting, more witty, with deeper experience, with greater passion and drive for what they do, education up the wahzoo, and I have so much to learn from them. So why should I put my two cents anywhere?

And my answer is, cuz I want to, that's all. And I need to. Yes, need. It just can't sit inside me forever, I'm sorry, or something would explode. There is this urge for me to just write, whether anyone reads it or not, ya know? Putting my thoughts out onto a public space is risky - it is taking that risk of being rejected, defeated, argued against, belittled or shamed because of thoughts, feelings, or perceptions I may have. But it is liberating, too. It is liberating because it is like saying, 'I face this possible rejection head on, fearlessly'! And you lay it all out on the table to be either savored and gobbled up, or butchered and thrown to the dogs.

But in the end it doesn't matter if someone likes it and someone doesn't. What matters is that it gets outside of me. So here is my beginning on Utter It. Get ready for some quirky stuff, guys. You're getting the whole gamut of: me.

Simplifying and I Don't Get Along

So last Sunday and Monday I attempted to take my life and reorganize it onto paper.  I thought to myself-- if I stick to this paper, I can balance.  I also thought, if I remember God, it may even feel good.

First the good moments--

In moments of good pondering and remembering God, and also talking with stellar friends I felt like life is good.

I am always trying to say this, but it hasn't come out this way.

Life isn't perfect, but it is oh so good.  I am really, truly happy.  I have my reasons, all of which may or may not be boring to you.  I am going to list the things that make my soul sing.

My. Husband.  Rocks.  He is there for me.  He is righteous.  His heart is HUGE.  He listens.  He laughs.  He watches all my favorite shows with me.  He loves me.  I love him.

I have amazing friends, and between all of them-- I can bare my soul in chat, I can inflict my kids on them with hardly any notice if I am not feeling well, I can make them let me borrow their kids so my children can have some fun times at our house, I can laugh and have girl nights or shop shop shop.  I haven't always had that and I know what it does for me.

I have soft, cuddly children who smile and have eyes that light up in special ways only for me.  That makes my heart full to bursting!

I have a body that can still cook up some rockin food, and I sure do love rockin food. Oh yes.

I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I have a charmed life.  It is absolutely wonderful.

Not perfect-- and I deal with some of the not perfect things on this blog. But wonderful. Truly wonderful.

So this week I found myself expressing some of these good things to myself and others and that was fun!

Now--  For the bad.

I am not very good at obeying a schedule.  Nope.  But I did my best.  I brought my children each afternoon to a friends house, and most days I came home and took a nice nap.  But two of the days I had unavoidable doctor appointments during "nap time".  Also, I found myself feeling like a failure if I had sick mornings that sucked away the precious hours of awake time with time spent... I will spare you the gory details, but I was sick every morning this week except yesterday.  We missed a dentist appointment for all three boys.  Bummer.  I would watch the clock inching towards "nap time" and I would feel like a failure for not doing the things on my list which really needed to be done.

So, I need to remember flexibility and forgiveness for myself.  I am not who I want to be.  I do not accomplish all I want to accomplish.  My house is currently not clean.  My floors are a mess.  (I hate mess on my floors). 

But--  We had a really good dinner last night.  We also had a really tasty dessert that my boys have been eating and loving the past few days.  I had a girls night this past week.  My boys enjoyed one of the last weeks of summer because of playing and swimming with friends every afternoon this week.  I laughed and talked with my husband after the kids were in bed many nights this week because I was rested from the breaks I had from the kids every day.  Life is so good.  Why should I complain about my imperfections when life is so good?  Why should I ever be hard on myself for things out of my control when I am doing my absolute best?  Another good thing that came out of this week is I can look back and know I gave my absolute best.  I was watching the clock.  I worked when I was well enough.  I tried to rest during resting times.  I gave life my all this week. 

What more can I ask of myself?

The mission this week-- forgive and forget.

I have a few other thoughts too.  Another post for another day.

Why Do I Do This?

Before I read my scriptures in the morning I sometimes like to think about what is bothering me the most.  I try to think of what question I have asked myself the most lately.  What is really going on in my mind?  What have I not addressed with my Heavenly Father.  What am I not bringing to the healer?

Today I picked up my actual scriptures-- which is new.  I have been using my phone and my scripture app for some time.

My scriptures have been with me through every major event in my life.  I think of them like a journal.  I love them and would be so sad to lose them. 

I was staring at my closed scriptures and thought to myself, "Why am I doing this today?  What is it that I should be asking that I'm not?" 

No answer came, so I just opened them.  I opened them to 1Nephi 8:21

"And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood."

That is what I am trying to do too.  This is a passage about Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life.  The path leads to that tree.  That is me lately, don't you think?  I talk of finding balance and purpose in my life and how much of a struggle it is.  Maybe I should think of this process a bit differently.

I am just one of many who are struggling to find the tree of life, "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy."

The fruit is the love of God.  My focus has been on me and all that I need to do to feel content, happy.  Also it has been on how to make others happy through service.  How to balance family, friends, myself. 

If God has really given me this trial (He has) then maybe my focus could be more on why I am doing this every day.  Why am I trying to balance and live life to the fullest of my capabilities?

I just want to be happy.  I know that takes balance.  But mostly, I know it takes staying on the path.  And staying on the path leads me to what?

The love of God.

Maybe my focus should be feeling the love of God everyday. 

That is why I do this.  Why I begin each day with reading and studying the word of God.  Why I fall to my knees and pray.  Even when it feels routine, I know the promise connected to this commandment is feeling the love of God and  hearing His voice guide me in times of need.  Reading the scriptures helps me recognize the voice of the spirit.  That is why I do it.  I know there are other requirements and I strive to live up to them, this is just something I can do perfectly.  There aren't many commandments I can do perfectly;).

 I feel happy when I feel the love of God for me and for others.  It would be nice to just simplify my life down to that.  Pleasing Heavenly Father.  So in all of my sticking to a schedule and living my life fully for myself and family and all my other goals this week---  I think I will stop and pray more.  I will ask, "How wouldst though have me feel right now?"  And I will feel more peace and love and happiness if I remember to do that.  He is so loving.  Even with all of my mistakes, I have never asked that question and felt horrible.  Have you?  When I am not doing something quite right, he redirects me gently, but always I am filled with overwhelming peace and love.  I feel like my life just became simple as I thought of remembering why I do this.  Good.  Simple is very good lately.