Do you want to know what the problem is? I want to please everyone. I want to only do things that bring light and joy to ALL around me.
But almost everything I do is good and bad depending on who you talk to.
I could be running on the treadmill for sanity (could we start a cause named THAT?) And my children could feel neglected for the moment. Or they could watch too much TV and we ALL know the current trend is that your kids should be either playing outside or reading a book if you want to post a picture on Instagram. Or eating something organic and homemade. And you should be either out there with them or reading the book. (That was snarky. I can be snarky, it's true)
I could be cleaning up the house for sanity (Another cause ya'll) and enlisting my children for help when all my oldest wants to do is have a friend over because school is so much harder on the brain than it was when I was in sixth grade. While my youngest is just happy to be spending time with me and you know what? My middle child goes back and forth between loving the attention and hating me for making him clean. MAKING HIM CLEAN. But TIME TOGETHER YAY!
I could be on a weekend away for sanity (I sense a trend in my causes) and my child could break his arm while I am away. But I am so much more sane when I get home to take care of him because of the weekend away, the treadmill, and the cleanliness.
I could be resting for sanity....
You get it.
The point is Sanity. Mom's sanity. That is the end goal. But actually it isn't the end goal. The end goal actually is me being a good mom and wife and friend. But actually that isn't the end goal either. The end goal is doing whatever weird thing my God has for me to do. I feel like I can't do that when I don't do all my causes for Sanity. (It's true though, God wants me to do life even insane sometimes. That God. He sure has a sense of humor.)
It bugs me that everything I do brings good and bad consequences depending on who we are speaking to because I just want everyone to love me and applaud me and give me squishy hugs when they see me.
And that my friends, is impossible. Everyone is not going to think I am great. But I super want them to.
So I read my philosophy books and I study religion to figure out the real purpose to life because my default purpose of pleasing everyone sort of makes me feel bad all the time. So those are the thoughts that I go through every day.
Default thought,
"IS EVERYONE HAPPY WITH ME??? IF NOT HOW CAN I FIX IT????"
Next thought,
"Remember the philosophy books."
Next thought.. I can't help it...
"But will that make everyone happy?"
Next thought,
"Gah, no no no... "
Meditate, yoga, treadmill, clean, weekend away,
Zen with the way everything I do has consequences and some people will like it and some won't...
and then I am doing what I do and the thought comes,
"IS EVERYONE HAPPY WITH ME???"
Rinse and repeat people. Rinse and Repeat.
Anyone else feel that way ever?
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Who are you going to believe?
My Son, my youngest, is seven. When he was five and a half, not even in Kindergarten yet, he decided he wanted to play the piano like his older brothers. My older sons' piano instructor likes to wait until kids have at least begun Kindergarten so I took my little boy aside and let him know he was still a bit too young to play piano.
My baby boy asked his older brother to help him learn and within weeks he was playing tunes.
I got him in lessons by the next month.
The summer before that, he wanted to learn to ride a bike without training wheels. His dad and I had some commitments and we were unable to take him out and teach him the day he decided he wanted to learn. He gave us two days. I was making dinner when I went to check on the boys playing outside and I saw my tiny 4 year old doggedly trying to learn to ride a bike on his own. He was doing really well, too. I looked at his dad and said, "If we want to be a part of this memory we should drop what we are doing and get out there too, I guess." (But it was more like-- Holy crap we had better GET OUT THERE!-- because me and zen aren't often very good friends.)
Then there was reading. Oh my goodness. I bought a book of lessons for teaching a pre-schooler to read and we worked through some of the lessons over the summer before Kindergarten. Then we went to the Library. He wanted to check out a "chapter book." I said to my little one,
"Oh let's get a book that doesn't have chapters yet so that you can practice your reading."
He gave me this blankish stare. Then informed me he was checking out the chapter book. I said to him,
"This book could get frustrating. I don't know that you are ready for a chapter book. Let's go find those Batman easy reader books you like so you can practice your reading."
Again the look that didn't understand a word I was saying. He checked out the chapter book.
That night as I went to give kisses before turning off the light for bed, lo and behold there is my little boy, sitting shirtless in his bed ("Why would I wear a shirt to bed, mom?") and he is reading every single word in that chapter book like a boss. He continued to do this every night until he was as fluent as his older brothers. All this before Kindergarten. Okay.
Do you have a voice in your head telling you that you can do it? Do you have one that says you can't? (My voice generally says I can't lately). Do people you love and trust have advice for you? Good, sound advice?
Do you know how in a river there are generally rocks in the water. When I was a girl I would love to reach into the water and pull up smooth pebbles to keep. I love a cool, clear stream that has pretty rocks in it.
My son reminds me of the calm water in a stream. Rocks are all over the place "in his way." The bed where his stream is running is rocky. Life is so rocky. He just calmly finds another way. He flows past the rocks.
Who are you going to believe?
My youngest son really loves me and I have told him a few times that life is a certain way. Something inside of him told him that he could probably find a way like water around a rock in a stream to still forge ahead. And he was peacefully right. No one could tell him he couldn't do it. He doesn't just believe me telling him. He finds out for himself first.
I like that. That is a hard lesson in this life. Who am I going to believe? Who am I going to look to?
Life can look all sorts of ways.
My baby boy asked his older brother to help him learn and within weeks he was playing tunes.
I got him in lessons by the next month.
The summer before that, he wanted to learn to ride a bike without training wheels. His dad and I had some commitments and we were unable to take him out and teach him the day he decided he wanted to learn. He gave us two days. I was making dinner when I went to check on the boys playing outside and I saw my tiny 4 year old doggedly trying to learn to ride a bike on his own. He was doing really well, too. I looked at his dad and said, "If we want to be a part of this memory we should drop what we are doing and get out there too, I guess." (But it was more like-- Holy crap we had better GET OUT THERE!-- because me and zen aren't often very good friends.)
Then there was reading. Oh my goodness. I bought a book of lessons for teaching a pre-schooler to read and we worked through some of the lessons over the summer before Kindergarten. Then we went to the Library. He wanted to check out a "chapter book." I said to my little one,
"Oh let's get a book that doesn't have chapters yet so that you can practice your reading."
He gave me this blankish stare. Then informed me he was checking out the chapter book. I said to him,
"This book could get frustrating. I don't know that you are ready for a chapter book. Let's go find those Batman easy reader books you like so you can practice your reading."
Again the look that didn't understand a word I was saying. He checked out the chapter book.
That night as I went to give kisses before turning off the light for bed, lo and behold there is my little boy, sitting shirtless in his bed ("Why would I wear a shirt to bed, mom?") and he is reading every single word in that chapter book like a boss. He continued to do this every night until he was as fluent as his older brothers. All this before Kindergarten. Okay.
Do you have a voice in your head telling you that you can do it? Do you have one that says you can't? (My voice generally says I can't lately). Do people you love and trust have advice for you? Good, sound advice?
Do you know how in a river there are generally rocks in the water. When I was a girl I would love to reach into the water and pull up smooth pebbles to keep. I love a cool, clear stream that has pretty rocks in it.
My son reminds me of the calm water in a stream. Rocks are all over the place "in his way." The bed where his stream is running is rocky. Life is so rocky. He just calmly finds another way. He flows past the rocks.
Who are you going to believe?
My youngest son really loves me and I have told him a few times that life is a certain way. Something inside of him told him that he could probably find a way like water around a rock in a stream to still forge ahead. And he was peacefully right. No one could tell him he couldn't do it. He doesn't just believe me telling him. He finds out for himself first.
I like that. That is a hard lesson in this life. Who am I going to believe? Who am I going to look to?
Life can look all sorts of ways.
Monday, April 13, 2015
I see you
DESERET BOOKSTORE LINK TO SEE WHAT I MEAN
I was walking through the Deseret Bookstore at a Time Out for Women event this weekend. If I ever want to feel super out of place I should definitely go for a walk in a Deseret Bookstore. The book titles all seemed to have these rays of light attached to them that projected out like little sun rays up and out. So positive. So bright. They seemed to be attracting my event goers like little butterflies finding the flower that fit them just right.
"See the good," These rays of light seemed to say.
"Here it is!" They also seemed to say.
I think I needed some shades.
Did you know that I last posted on this blog over a year ago? Can you believe that? My heart says, "No. Way." It just can't imagine me not writing for that long.
For the past year the road I have walked has been pretty shady. Like, maybe it was actually night time shady. And my eyes have adjusted to that night time and they were fine with that. So put me in that book store with the sunlit titles and my eyes were a-hurtin. Bad. It hurt pretty bad.
I know what you are thinking. "Why would you choose to walk such a path? Seek out the sunlight UtterGirl! Goodness. The end. You're depresssing."
Yeah me too.
Can we set that question aside for a moment? Thanks.
So anyways, back to me needing shades.
I was walking and wincing (as you do when you need cute, hopefully designer sunglasses...) among the books because I needed air from the the also sun-shiny musical performer and there was literally no where else to walk and get air where I didn't look really suspicious with my little notebook and Time Out for Women tote. (Why is that Time Out for Women go-er walking alone with a scowl on her face like she needs sunglasses? Is she sick? Is she depressed? We should help her and lift her with sunshiney thoughts! Oh dear.)
And you will roll your eyes maybe or laugh at me but all I could think about was this,
"We need a book about someone who is super good at seeing the dark. Someone who says- I have a talent for seeing the dark. Do you, too? That's okay. Some of us aren't good at seeing the darn good all the time. Some of us are good at seeing what is wrong. Very, very well. And we are still functioning too."
Isn't that a weird thought? I mean, here I was getting a weekend away (Hallelujah) and having actually a wonderful wonderful time and that was the thought I had.
I could not get that thought out of my head all the wonderful and glorious weekend.
"Someone needs to stand up and say this!" Thought me. "Someone needs to say-- Seeking out the light is so so hard and actually it hurts my eyes right now thankyouverymuch."
And I even took my awesome little notebook and I wrote this,
"To say I have SEEN.
To say I SEE.
I see BOTH.
Dark
and
Light"
I walked on a dark road at midnight this year. I have seen this dark abyss. I have journeyed down down where I didn't know a road existed. But there actually is a road. It travels deeper into the dark where I haven't gone yet, too. It also travels back up. I am confident in saying I have no idea if I am journeying up or down at the moment. Sometimes I am convinced I am going up and it turns out-- Oh no honey. And sometimes it really feels like I am going down, but what do you know- light. So you know. Confident in my lack of confidence. Anyways.
Life is a journey. I am on a journey. And if you are better at seeking out the dark- yeah me too. But I have spent some time with both now. And I can see the difference. If I travel to lighter parts of life the road up is thankfully gradual. My eyes will have the time they need to adjust. There is no skipping the road. I am also confident in that. You don't get to skip to the light parts of your journey.
I see you there. Standing in your shady corner in a room full of light. It hurts your eyes too right now. That's okay. That is you right now. There are good things about you and I shall list them for you to remember when it feels like book titles are a little glaring and well meaning friends bring you light filled statements and all you can think is,
"This. Really. Hurts. My. EYES."
Here is your awesome list.
You have no illusions about the dark not being real. You don't surround yourself with light hoping the dark isn't real. Oh, you know it is real and you know it has power.
The next time you find yourself in a light place, you therefore won't kid yourself about the dark being a childs nighmarish fairy tail. And you will value that light place. You will see it's parameters clearly and that will be a super power of yours. Trust me.
The next time you are on a dark path you will be like- Oh I have lived here before. It seems there was a road out. I shall find it. And you will have no fun illusions about it being a quick journey out.
You will clearly and unafraid...ly be able to see BOTH. There is both light and dark and you will see both.
Some people are better at hanging in the sunlight and they can see both because of it. You may be their opposite. Same results. There could be good in both people, yo. Your journey is still awesome.
So the point to this list seems to really be that knowing misery really well will give you better parameters to know your bliss, your joy. Just like knowing joy really well gives you parameters to know your misery. There are both for a reason.
Love you guys. This was a rambling post but I think I like it. 80% of rambling crap for 20% clarity. That seems to be my style.
And for more proof that I see the negative a bit too clearly click on these links to past posts about me talking about this topic just with other words...
http://utterit.blogspot.com/2014/03/i-am-here_30.html
http://utterit.blogspot.com/2012/02/joy-and-misery.html
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I Am Here
http://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/new-testament/pool-of-bethesda-carl-bloch-83121-mobile.jpg
This is a painting of Christ at the pool of Bethesda by Carl Heinrich Bloch (1834-1890)
I was holding a friend's baby out in the hall of my church as I listened to a church broadcast last night. I stared at this painting hanging on a wall for a while. Observe the followers behind Christ and where they are looking. Observe everyone else in the painting and what they are looking at. Observe Christ and his gesture and where he is looking. His hand outstretched as though in invitation to everyone nearby to see that this man is here.
It is so hard to look straight on at things I don't understand. It is so hard when there are so many different needs competing for my attention. But here I have an example of a man who was helplessly waiting for his turn in this pool under a tent, and Christ illuminating him, gesturing as though inviting others to look and see. He is here. This man with this illness exists. Observe him. Look at him. And eventually even, watch me make him complete/perfect because if you are with me I will do the same for you.
I am also here. I am being diagnosed lately with possible Bipolar Disorder. Maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. Both things not just run of the supposed mill depression. Am I hard to look at? I am here.
I am reminded of the year and a half I studied quotes such as these;
"To deny the seriousness of our condition
and to avoid detection and the consequences of
our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors.
We did not realize that by deceiving others and
ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions." http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng
"When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy,
hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened
spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound
ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong
as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when
we were brought face to face with reality. We could no
longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by
saying, 'It’s not that bad!'" http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=engThese are quotes from the first step in the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual. I put myself in this program for a year and a half and I did this step three times before it sunk in and I felt I could really move on to the next step or two (again). That was when I really started talking. To anyone. To everyone. I would tell them I was in the program and what for and what step I was on. And now here I am on my blog and saying I Am Here. I know I'm not alone. I just wanted you to know that if you are having ideas in your head that perhaps you are also alone, I Am Here.
Christ would love to illuminate you because you are still good. You are still as capable as when you didn't have a label. You have more compassion and empathy. It is not shaming to admit you have something others may or may not have. Take it from me. Christ wants everyone to know they are not alone and that they exist in all their imperfect glory. You are here. Observe. I am here. Observe. Awareness will save us all. My husband read to me this quote yesterday morning.
"The Apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have “compassion one of another.” 1 In that spirit I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime. We sense the complexity of such matters when we hear professionals speak of neuroses and psychoses, of genetic predispositions and chromosome defects, of bipolarity, paranoia, and schizophrenia. However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
Shame in acknowledging, secrecy, minimizing, hiding can = binding myself with cords. Honesty, openness, bravery, courage, acknowledgement, admitting can = freedom.
One more thing. I read books on psychology that are written by the foremost leaders on the subject too. Some people will ridicule or feel fear of this because it is not "doctrine". I am confident in my ability to discern by the spirit what the best books are. Until I get members of my church who are the foremost leaders on the subject of psychology- I will continue to read the best books I can find.
"118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/88.118?lang=eng"
My husband points out this quote as well,
"If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
That is all. I bear testimony that God loves you as you are. He will show you the way to be who you are and be awesome at the same time. He will show you the ways you already are doing it every day. He will show you that you are and you are perfect with Him. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If I don't, trust me, neither do you. I am beginning to be proud of all of my parts and pieces. I can do more good when I am manic and I can take a nap to recover when I am depressive. I can take the middle road when I am "normal." All of this can be done with God. He makes me a shining beacon no matter what is going on with my body. He makes sure that if I am connected to him, I do good as I am. I am here and I am good. I have nothing to feel shame for, no matter what others may feel about what I am. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
http://www.carlbloch.com/php/artwork.php?artwork=711
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Integrity
I figured out something and I am excited about it. I am also a little sad. So many years wasted not having a firm grip on this one thing. Anyways. Can't go back.
So. Where to begin? I was thinking about my own identity and what I anchor my identity in. I think we all do it. Like- "I am super clean person. People know I am super clean and that makes me feel good." Or, "I am service super woman. I can spot a need a mile away and I can always find a way to fill that need." Or, "I am patient-know-my-kids-always-have-enough-energy-to-play-an-educational-game-mom. Everyone knows this about my identity and I connect to others who have this same super power." or, "I am holistic mom. I cook all of our food, we shall never touch our lips with processed anything and we have no need to see a doctor because of my endless knowledge of herbs and essential oils. I connect and have friendships with other moms like me." Or, "I am skinny mom. I not only work out and eat healthy, I teach others how to do so three times a day during my ballet-pilates class! I am so so fit and I connect with people who are like me." Or my personal favorite, "I am spiritual mom! I wake an hour before my hour workout which is an hour before my kids wake up (did you follow that? did I?) and I read my scriptures. Then I meditate and write in a journal. I am always ready with spiritual wells of spirituality because of this. People who know this about me and if they still want to be my friend are probably this way too. How joyful and spiritual"
Over the past few years, the reason I think my world was so rocked by getting sick was because I was anchoring my identity in all of these things. These things were who I was trying to project and be. I thought that the reason my friends were friends with me and thought I was a valuable person was because of these things. I thought they were what made me a good person. I thought they were what made me a respectable person. I thought it was why people would hang out with me. I thought it was why my kids loved me. I thought it was what made my husband value me. It was what brought me inner peace. All of these things were where I anchored my identity.
Well shoot people. I got sick and didn't do any of those things well for like three years.
Oh I would try. But I would sort of half-way suck half of the time. Oh the shame I would feel. Oh the way I couldn't look into peoples eyes any more because I yelled, (yelled!) at my kids instead of calmly explaining with an educational game and possibly a primary song based family home evening. Oh how I cringed to be seen (SEEN!) after gaining around 30-ish pounds and not teaching a single pilates-ballet class attended by 30 people. And I remember lots and lots of frozen pizza. (Holistic mom shudder). I would see a need and just sort of sleep all day. I had nary a spiritual thought provoking study time. How could I go out and let people see me like this? I was a bad, bad, person and sometimes I even swore. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. No one would love me anymore for certain. My anchor ropes were all cut and I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't think anyone else would care for who I was.
Is that a dramatic enough explanation?
Yes? Let's move on then.
I have posted many posts and if you have read them perhaps you can see that I have slowly been moving beyond these stupid as hell anchors and I am finding wells of personal identity in things more stable. Yay me. I was seriously hanging on to a few cut ropes very lovingly with my chapped and sore hands though.
So I called a friend and had a frank discussion about what I felt I was anchoring my identity in and how dumb it was that I didn't want anyone to see me anymore because I couldn't stop feeling ashamed that I wasn't all of the things named above.
And then I had the thought of all thoughts people. And it has brought me so much darn peace. My gorgeous friend said,
"You know what? It comes down to this. We all know inside ourselves what is best for us."
And then I said,
"Yes. It comes down to integrity, really. If we have integrity, we are going to do what is right for us, no matter how it looks to other people, no matter if we are judged harshly for it, no matter if we lose friends. And the friends we will have will stay because they are attracted to our strength of integrity. They respect that we will always to what is right for us no matter what it may look like to other people. They will respect that what is right for us is subject to change. On a daily basis. We must take care of ourselves."
And that, my friends, is what I figured out. We each do what we feel is right for us, and what is right for us is so damn fluid. If I anchor myself on what is right at the time, I will feel so bad when what is right changes. But if I anchor myself on the fact that I am proud that I am doing what is right for me today, I will always be able to look you straight in the eye. No matter that we have different things that are right for us. No matter. I won't judge you for knowing and doing what is right for you. And we will only be friends if you know the same thing about me.
The world is a beautiful place my friends. Have peace that deep down you know what you need for you. Strive to do that and have peace.
I love all those "moms" I described up there. I also love what I can be day today. I am proud. I have peace. For now. Until the next post and I tell you about another tumultuous time in my life and what thought I had that brought me peace:).
So. Where to begin? I was thinking about my own identity and what I anchor my identity in. I think we all do it. Like- "I am super clean person. People know I am super clean and that makes me feel good." Or, "I am service super woman. I can spot a need a mile away and I can always find a way to fill that need." Or, "I am patient-know-my-kids-always-have-enough-energy-to-play-an-educational-game-mom. Everyone knows this about my identity and I connect to others who have this same super power." or, "I am holistic mom. I cook all of our food, we shall never touch our lips with processed anything and we have no need to see a doctor because of my endless knowledge of herbs and essential oils. I connect and have friendships with other moms like me." Or, "I am skinny mom. I not only work out and eat healthy, I teach others how to do so three times a day during my ballet-pilates class! I am so so fit and I connect with people who are like me." Or my personal favorite, "I am spiritual mom! I wake an hour before my hour workout which is an hour before my kids wake up (did you follow that? did I?) and I read my scriptures. Then I meditate and write in a journal. I am always ready with spiritual wells of spirituality because of this. People who know this about me and if they still want to be my friend are probably this way too. How joyful and spiritual"
Over the past few years, the reason I think my world was so rocked by getting sick was because I was anchoring my identity in all of these things. These things were who I was trying to project and be. I thought that the reason my friends were friends with me and thought I was a valuable person was because of these things. I thought they were what made me a good person. I thought they were what made me a respectable person. I thought it was why people would hang out with me. I thought it was why my kids loved me. I thought it was what made my husband value me. It was what brought me inner peace. All of these things were where I anchored my identity.
Well shoot people. I got sick and didn't do any of those things well for like three years.
Oh I would try. But I would sort of half-way suck half of the time. Oh the shame I would feel. Oh the way I couldn't look into peoples eyes any more because I yelled, (yelled!) at my kids instead of calmly explaining with an educational game and possibly a primary song based family home evening. Oh how I cringed to be seen (SEEN!) after gaining around 30-ish pounds and not teaching a single pilates-ballet class attended by 30 people. And I remember lots and lots of frozen pizza. (Holistic mom shudder). I would see a need and just sort of sleep all day. I had nary a spiritual thought provoking study time. How could I go out and let people see me like this? I was a bad, bad, person and sometimes I even swore. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. No one would love me anymore for certain. My anchor ropes were all cut and I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't think anyone else would care for who I was.
Is that a dramatic enough explanation?
Yes? Let's move on then.
I have posted many posts and if you have read them perhaps you can see that I have slowly been moving beyond these stupid as hell anchors and I am finding wells of personal identity in things more stable. Yay me. I was seriously hanging on to a few cut ropes very lovingly with my chapped and sore hands though.
So I called a friend and had a frank discussion about what I felt I was anchoring my identity in and how dumb it was that I didn't want anyone to see me anymore because I couldn't stop feeling ashamed that I wasn't all of the things named above.
And then I had the thought of all thoughts people. And it has brought me so much darn peace. My gorgeous friend said,
"You know what? It comes down to this. We all know inside ourselves what is best for us."
And then I said,
"Yes. It comes down to integrity, really. If we have integrity, we are going to do what is right for us, no matter how it looks to other people, no matter if we are judged harshly for it, no matter if we lose friends. And the friends we will have will stay because they are attracted to our strength of integrity. They respect that we will always to what is right for us no matter what it may look like to other people. They will respect that what is right for us is subject to change. On a daily basis. We must take care of ourselves."
And that, my friends, is what I figured out. We each do what we feel is right for us, and what is right for us is so damn fluid. If I anchor myself on what is right at the time, I will feel so bad when what is right changes. But if I anchor myself on the fact that I am proud that I am doing what is right for me today, I will always be able to look you straight in the eye. No matter that we have different things that are right for us. No matter. I won't judge you for knowing and doing what is right for you. And we will only be friends if you know the same thing about me.
The world is a beautiful place my friends. Have peace that deep down you know what you need for you. Strive to do that and have peace.
I love all those "moms" I described up there. I also love what I can be day today. I am proud. I have peace. For now. Until the next post and I tell you about another tumultuous time in my life and what thought I had that brought me peace:).
Monday, November 11, 2013
"Let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."
For years I was so good at reading my scriptures and studying what my LDS religion believes about God on a daily basis. Because I had done this from a fairly young teenager I don't think I really knew how much that daily study gave me. Or what it gave me either. A few years ago my health declined and with that my energy and my state of mind that told me how to study. I stopped daily journaling, I stopped studying daily. I mostly slept. So... there were a lot of other things I stopped doing as well. Playing physically with my kids being at the top of my list of most notable changes. I endured great pain on an almost daily basis.
Anyways, point is, something I had done for years stopped. Recently, I picked up the habit again. I highly recommend it. I study, and then I meditate about what I studied. My mind is quiet except for giving my questions to God and trying to listen to what he has to say. Through listening to the words of the LDS prophets and reading scriptures, I find answers to pressing questions. Pressing is such a good way to describe my questions. Call me a fixator. But when I have a question it almost hurts. I can't sleep. It keeps me up at night. It presses on my life until I find an answer.
I got an answer to a question today. I found myself backpedaling lately. Like, I would think about important decisions I had made with God when I was younger, and then I would think- what if I hadn't taken the hard road? I was thinking that some decisions I had made had truly been a trial in my life. I kept wondering in the back part of my mind( that won't let me sleep already at 1 or 2 in the morning) if my life decisions had truly been inspired. What if my life had been easier? What if God had just removed obstacles in my life instead?
I began to make a list in my journal of what if's. What if this had come easily? What if that trial hadn't been there? Who would I be today? I will write a portion of my thoughts,
"Well, I never would have buried myself and then clawed my slow way back to the surface piece by piece with the Lord's help. He has pulled up all of my traits and then illuminated them and told me he thinks they are good. Where would I be if I hadn't had the trials that caused me to bury myself in the first place? If an easy life had provided me self worth and given me all I "needed"? I don't know. But I am who I am because of my struggles. My relationship with God is what it is because I remember him pulling me out and up from my dark personal struggles and illuminating me. He is the one who told me I am good. So now I can stand alone. With no one else propping me up because God has given me strength. He worked my own muscles. He was my partner."
And you know what that is cool. And maybe God really does have a hand in our lives. Even when it seems like it doesn't make much sense. I really think that God has a completely different idea of what he wants me to be at the end of my life than I ever anticipated. I really think that my expectations for how I would grow were just not true. Yes there were many different directions my life path could have taken so far. And also, yes I truly followed what I felt God told me to do. It is easy to go back to young Chelsie and scold her for not standing up for herself more. For not asking more questions. But I also think she was pretty brave to do what she felt deep in her heart were the right things at the time. I wouldn't be who I am. Someone who can stand alone. If I hadn't been someone buried for years first. All the ground I have gained as a woman I have earned. That is something. And I couldn't have done it without God, because there wasn't anyone else around to give it to me. And I wouldn't have the confidence I have in God without it. We read over and over again in the scriptures how we can't rely on the arm of man. That God alone will never leave us disappointed. My life has been one big lesson about turning to him and no other.
So I just thought I would write about that today. What do you think about it? Have you learned hard lessons about relying only on God too?
And I am really going to try to keep up my daily study and meditation. It is so worth it for these moments of illumination and the peace that comes with them. Have a great day. Remember how God feels about ya.
UtterGirl
Reference for the title
Anyways, point is, something I had done for years stopped. Recently, I picked up the habit again. I highly recommend it. I study, and then I meditate about what I studied. My mind is quiet except for giving my questions to God and trying to listen to what he has to say. Through listening to the words of the LDS prophets and reading scriptures, I find answers to pressing questions. Pressing is such a good way to describe my questions. Call me a fixator. But when I have a question it almost hurts. I can't sleep. It keeps me up at night. It presses on my life until I find an answer.
I got an answer to a question today. I found myself backpedaling lately. Like, I would think about important decisions I had made with God when I was younger, and then I would think- what if I hadn't taken the hard road? I was thinking that some decisions I had made had truly been a trial in my life. I kept wondering in the back part of my mind( that won't let me sleep already at 1 or 2 in the morning) if my life decisions had truly been inspired. What if my life had been easier? What if God had just removed obstacles in my life instead?
I began to make a list in my journal of what if's. What if this had come easily? What if that trial hadn't been there? Who would I be today? I will write a portion of my thoughts,
"Well, I never would have buried myself and then clawed my slow way back to the surface piece by piece with the Lord's help. He has pulled up all of my traits and then illuminated them and told me he thinks they are good. Where would I be if I hadn't had the trials that caused me to bury myself in the first place? If an easy life had provided me self worth and given me all I "needed"? I don't know. But I am who I am because of my struggles. My relationship with God is what it is because I remember him pulling me out and up from my dark personal struggles and illuminating me. He is the one who told me I am good. So now I can stand alone. With no one else propping me up because God has given me strength. He worked my own muscles. He was my partner."
And you know what that is cool. And maybe God really does have a hand in our lives. Even when it seems like it doesn't make much sense. I really think that God has a completely different idea of what he wants me to be at the end of my life than I ever anticipated. I really think that my expectations for how I would grow were just not true. Yes there were many different directions my life path could have taken so far. And also, yes I truly followed what I felt God told me to do. It is easy to go back to young Chelsie and scold her for not standing up for herself more. For not asking more questions. But I also think she was pretty brave to do what she felt deep in her heart were the right things at the time. I wouldn't be who I am. Someone who can stand alone. If I hadn't been someone buried for years first. All the ground I have gained as a woman I have earned. That is something. And I couldn't have done it without God, because there wasn't anyone else around to give it to me. And I wouldn't have the confidence I have in God without it. We read over and over again in the scriptures how we can't rely on the arm of man. That God alone will never leave us disappointed. My life has been one big lesson about turning to him and no other.
So I just thought I would write about that today. What do you think about it? Have you learned hard lessons about relying only on God too?
And I am really going to try to keep up my daily study and meditation. It is so worth it for these moments of illumination and the peace that comes with them. Have a great day. Remember how God feels about ya.
UtterGirl
Reference for the title
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Who I am
At one point in my life I had a boyfriend who was poisoning my mind. He told me over and over how I was unworthy, worthless, and less than. I believed him until I began a serious study of how God felt about me. I thought I was just studying the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I thought I was just studying the scriptures to learn more about religion. I couldn't learn about those things without learning what God feels about me. They went hand in hand. My religion taught me how valuable I am personally to God. It was surprising. It gave me power to take my life into my own hands and this boy's words one day didn't have any more power over me because of it.
Later in my life I was poisoning my own mind. I told myself I was disgustingly fat, unworthy of love, and therefore worthless on this earth. (I had children during this time. Stupid girl.) Because of what I looked like, I punished myself on a daily basis. This continued until I began a serious study of again, my religion and how God felt about me. My church believes there is always hope in the atonement because God finds me infinitely valuable.
I still remember both times how powerfully I felt the Holy Ghost affirm how God felt about me. It was overwhelming. It was shocking. I wasn't in a place either time that I would have believed it otherwise.
What pulled me out of these places of lies each time was finding out who I was. And I was God's. It was finding out who God thought I was. And he thought I was wonderful and full of potential and value.
I am of worth to God. So are you.
Truth trumps untruth. Every time.
How powerful of a person would I be if I didn't forget how He feels about my worth.
Lately I have forgotten those experiences. Well, obviously I didn't forget them because here I am writing about them. I just didn't have them on the forefront of my mind. I haven't thought in a long while about how powerful a witness I have already had that I am of worth to God. When I remember this, no one can tell me any different and have it affect me. When I remember this, I don't panic when I have pressing questions or concerns, I just wait patiently on the Lord to tell me the truth. He loves me, so He will tell me when it is right.
I am His. So I am of value.
The end.
Later in my life I was poisoning my own mind. I told myself I was disgustingly fat, unworthy of love, and therefore worthless on this earth. (I had children during this time. Stupid girl.) Because of what I looked like, I punished myself on a daily basis. This continued until I began a serious study of again, my religion and how God felt about me. My church believes there is always hope in the atonement because God finds me infinitely valuable.
I still remember both times how powerfully I felt the Holy Ghost affirm how God felt about me. It was overwhelming. It was shocking. I wasn't in a place either time that I would have believed it otherwise.
What pulled me out of these places of lies each time was finding out who I was. And I was God's. It was finding out who God thought I was. And he thought I was wonderful and full of potential and value.
I am of worth to God. So are you.
Truth trumps untruth. Every time.
How powerful of a person would I be if I didn't forget how He feels about my worth.
Lately I have forgotten those experiences. Well, obviously I didn't forget them because here I am writing about them. I just didn't have them on the forefront of my mind. I haven't thought in a long while about how powerful a witness I have already had that I am of worth to God. When I remember this, no one can tell me any different and have it affect me. When I remember this, I don't panic when I have pressing questions or concerns, I just wait patiently on the Lord to tell me the truth. He loves me, so He will tell me when it is right.
I am His. So I am of value.
The end.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Too many thoughts
I have so many thoughts lately about the power of words and how I can do better. I choose garbage words out of laziness. I would feel like I had better manners if I worked harder on choosing bigger words. Words other than crap and awesome.
(this sign is awesome)
I also am thinking about faith and how it can be hard to behave a certain way when you have strong personal feelings. Like when I am mad. You know.... God says don't get mad. I get mad sometimes (shhhhh....) And I was thinking about how controlling my temper would be doing what God says to do. It would be an act of faith. So. Maybe I should have more faith in what God is telling me to do and trust that even though I am seeing red I should keep quiet and master that feeling. I'm thinking that act of faith would be worth it in the end.
I have been thinking about "Jesus the Christ" by James E Talmage. Have you read that book? I have been thinking that whenever I read that book it ruins any church function because all I hear is James E Talmage in the back of my head correcting whoever is talking. Maybe it is good. But mostly it ruins church. I love learning and reading from him though. There is so much I don't know.
I have been thinking about the push and pull of hard work and peace and rest. I love getting things done that are hard. I love the feeling that I have taken good care of my kids. Hours of homework, vacuuming, talking with them about minecraft, talking with them about the weird liberal things they learn at school (who knows what they might want to discuss?? I just want to be always available!), picking up socks, making dinner interesting despite the fact my kids just want a cheese quesadilla, organizing and cleaning up my home. The list goes on. You know what I'm talking about.
(what is it about this game? Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer?)
And then there is rest. I find lately that I don't rest well unless everything is done. And um... it never is. My husband was talking about a work seminar he went to about being a good manager. The seminar spoke about the art of taking a fifteen minute break. Yeah that sounds crazy to me. Fifteen minutes is valuable time people. I can get a lot done in fifteen child free minutes. Yet, I think if I went ahead and took fifteen minutes to say, eat a snack and sit down- I would then be refreshed so that all the mom projects didn't take me forever because I am dragging my tired, hungry, and therefore irritable body through doing it. Someday I hope to grow up and perfect taking fifteen minute breaks.
Lately I am thinking about how different each person is. I am also thinking about how good people are, yet how easy it is to judge a person by one act. I think that is wrong. I think about how that feels wrong lately. I am so tired of anyone I love being misjudged. I am also tired of misjudging them myself. I am too easily critical of those I love. I am wishing I could just let it go and live my life without ever worrying about how anyone else is living their life. It's super hard. It's super dumb that it is super hard.
I am thinking about body image. What is right? There is no right. Body image is personal. Some people like myself hate gaining weight and it goes waaaaaaay back as to why. Some people work hard every day to be thin thin thin and fit. Some people work hard and are not thin. Some people are cool with not working hard and are still thin. Some people.... blah blah blah there are so many different "rights" and mostly I am tired of my own inner dialogue and how I go back and forth between believing I am beautiful and having positive inner thoughts and just bashing on myself. It is getting so old. And just when I thought I was doing better-- I wasn't anymore.
I have been wrestling with being a good mom and what it means. Yeah. I am about to hang this sign in my boys bathroom.
(its totally motivating)
I have been thinking about protesters. And faith. And trust in my religion. And complacency. And blind faith vs educated faith. I respect educated faith more than blind lately. Yet I spent the first 25-27 years of my life respecting blind faith more. I can't remember when that shift happened. There is maybe nothing I love better than reading a book by James E Talmage, an educated man, and just drinking in his expertise on Jesus Christ. It is awesome. I also loooove listening to anyone educated talking about their views on religion. It is a breath of fresh air to me. I think that I also respect protesters when they are educated. I like hearing what they have to say. It interests me. I am not a protester. I think I am not smart enough to be one.
I have been thinking about how blessed I am to have friends lately. Intelligent friends who can relate to one another and who lift each other up and encourage one another to be amazing all in the same spot are rare. I feel like God was good to me to gather so many people where I live that I would pay to spend the day with. And they don't charge.
There is more. I am going to stop there for today.
image credits:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Minecraft-360.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/gaming/minecraft-xbox-360-edition-review/&h=844&w=1200&sz=102&tbnid=X9mLEW-DMD-KdM:&tbnh=122&tbnw=173&zoom=1&usg=__01J_QD0jn93e7ht1wa5387esKME=&docid=ptYp6ElsVVKSAM&sa=X&ei=BlxhUvPUO4er2AWAxYDQBA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAQ
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.artfire.com/uploads/product/5/875/92875/4692875/4692875/large/im_too_old_for_this_crap_funny_wood_sign_c12360f4.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/product_view/CountryWorkshop/4692875/Im_Too_Old_For_this_Crap_Funny_Wood_Sign/Folk_Art_Primitives/Signs&h=455&w=500&sz=55&tbnid=tOf9I8XvjWoAQM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=99&zoom=1&usg=__9FL6hSLNVH8wmzSVKDsTmFXhsUA=&docid=j-fu1nWahneT3M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=C11hUru1OMbK2AWfp4GABA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAg
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/104145810105605316/ (so this link is broken but this is where I originally bought the sign for the bathroom)
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Answers
This is a heavy post. It is a story. I feel better now that I have written it. Tell me-- has something similar ever happened to you? I would love to hear about it.
Here it is--
For years I felt a weight on my chest. For years I had a problem with something and I never said anything. To anyone. Except God. And even then I would only talk to God about it when I was torn from sleep in the middle of the night, heart and mind racing. Well galloping is a better word. Heart and mind galloping. And I couldn't sleep anymore. That had a lot to do with the way I couldn't breathe either. So I would bolt out of bed and sit on my couch in the living room. In the middle of the night. Usually in the dark. And I would feel honest feelings and think honest thoughts. I had a bad habit of never allowing myself to feel honest feelings or think honest thoughts until they tore me from sleep in the middle of the night.
And since my body insisted on speaking what I would never speak with words, I would let the words finally come. There is something about the middle of the night where I am just sleeping that brings out how I really feel. It must take so much effort to keep the real me at bay. Because she only seems to come out in the middle of the night when I am vulnerable and weak with sleep.
So then I begin praying. Over the years how many times have I been wrenched awake with pounding heart and racing mind? Then dragged myself to my dark couch and let the honest and real words just flow. With this honesty came real feelings I refused to feel during the day as well, and with that came crying. Real painful crying. Out it would all come in a few honest moments until my body was finally spent and I would crawl back into bed and life would resume until the next time.
And the years rolled on. Life rolled on but still I wrestled with this one dominant problem I shared with no one. (Lets be honest, there were many problems, but this one stuck out).
Until I got sick a few years ago. Are you sick of hearing about that? Cause I am. Anyways-- suddenly a new set of issues was keeping me up at night. When I woke up with pounding heart and no breath it was because I was agonizing over how this was affecting my family. About time no longer spent running at the park or taking long walks with my children. I thought about dishes in the sink and toilets not scrubbed. I thought about the general disarray of my life and pondered how we were all going to make it.
But. But. God didn't forget my first prayers. Those first reasons I was wrenched from bed were still there. He was working on those for me even while I cried out that I was drowning over new and fresh problems. He didn't forget the things that had kept me up the ten previous years.
What on earth is this post about?
Well, it is sort of about happiness. It is a lot about relief. I didn't know that I would ever resolve the things that kept me up those first ten years. That's why they woke me up. That is also why I ignored them during the day. Why dwell on what you cannot change?
Being sick these past two and almost a half years did something to me. It forced me to... how to say this....
To relinquish control over parts of my life. I didn't have a choice and I complained quite loudly in my prayers about it.
I realized not long ago that being sick these past few years was the darn solution to my original problem. I forgot and wasn't praying about it in the middle of the night (I was praying about new things) but God didn't forget those ten years of panic attacks. He was fixing the things he knew would continue to keep me up at night after I was well again.
You guys I am not one to believe in being given trials for specific purpose. I do believe, now more than ever, that God will take the situations life throws at us and use them for our good. And I believe that is what he has done here.
Now I may be feeling better lately (for real!). So I may not be wrenched from bed in the middle of the night agonizing over how being sick is negatively affecting my family. And now that these problems are fading away--- I won't be waking up for old problems either. I can just sleep.
This old problem wasn't solved by me doing anything purposefully. In fact it has been solved rather messily. I have been focused on other things more pressing to me at the time. It was as if my current two and a half years of "situation" pushed me into the solution for my other deeper problems. That is what sort of boggles my mind. Do people say "boggles" any more? Well it does. It boggles me.
Now what's keeping me up from 2-4 am is joy. Awe. Gratitude. Testimony that God really does hear me. That he really does know me. He remembered the things that kept me up all those years. He quietly was going about helping me in that area while I suffered through another. And now that I am coming though the specific trial of being sick-- there are no longer those old dark clouds to deal with either. Just blue skies. I wish I could describe the tears of relief. This knowledge that God will work on things I truly feel I don't have the capability to work on. This knowledge that what matters to me in my honest, raw moments matters to Him too. That is a revelation. I always thought I needed to change what honestly bothered me. I thought if I could just change how I felt deep down to whatever it was God wanted me to feel then I wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night anymore.
That didn't turn out to be true in this instance. I feel as though God felt with me all those painful nights. He didn't like what was going on either. Who knew? Who knew.
I feel different. Like I have someone on my side. That my side is valid. Weird. I spent a long time telling myself during the day that I just wasn't a very good person for the things that I let bruise my soul. Then at night being torn from bed letting out how I really felt about it. Over and over again this cycle of telling myself I just wasn't angelic enough or something.
Who put those ideas in my head? This knowledge that just because I want to make things better in my life doesn't make me a bad person. This knowledge that the things that feel wrong to me may be valid makes me feel powerful. Because now that I know that repressing and enduring isn't always the answer- I will start allowing myself to be assertive. I will start being assertive. I will work on improving what sears my soul in the middle of the night. And if what is bothering me is that I honestly have no idea how to solve my problem ( that is what was bugging me all those years more than anything else), then I will find help. End of story. For now.
Here it is--
For years I felt a weight on my chest. For years I had a problem with something and I never said anything. To anyone. Except God. And even then I would only talk to God about it when I was torn from sleep in the middle of the night, heart and mind racing. Well galloping is a better word. Heart and mind galloping. And I couldn't sleep anymore. That had a lot to do with the way I couldn't breathe either. So I would bolt out of bed and sit on my couch in the living room. In the middle of the night. Usually in the dark. And I would feel honest feelings and think honest thoughts. I had a bad habit of never allowing myself to feel honest feelings or think honest thoughts until they tore me from sleep in the middle of the night.
And since my body insisted on speaking what I would never speak with words, I would let the words finally come. There is something about the middle of the night where I am just sleeping that brings out how I really feel. It must take so much effort to keep the real me at bay. Because she only seems to come out in the middle of the night when I am vulnerable and weak with sleep.
So then I begin praying. Over the years how many times have I been wrenched awake with pounding heart and racing mind? Then dragged myself to my dark couch and let the honest and real words just flow. With this honesty came real feelings I refused to feel during the day as well, and with that came crying. Real painful crying. Out it would all come in a few honest moments until my body was finally spent and I would crawl back into bed and life would resume until the next time.
And the years rolled on. Life rolled on but still I wrestled with this one dominant problem I shared with no one. (Lets be honest, there were many problems, but this one stuck out).
Until I got sick a few years ago. Are you sick of hearing about that? Cause I am. Anyways-- suddenly a new set of issues was keeping me up at night. When I woke up with pounding heart and no breath it was because I was agonizing over how this was affecting my family. About time no longer spent running at the park or taking long walks with my children. I thought about dishes in the sink and toilets not scrubbed. I thought about the general disarray of my life and pondered how we were all going to make it.
But. But. God didn't forget my first prayers. Those first reasons I was wrenched from bed were still there. He was working on those for me even while I cried out that I was drowning over new and fresh problems. He didn't forget the things that had kept me up the ten previous years.
What on earth is this post about?
Well, it is sort of about happiness. It is a lot about relief. I didn't know that I would ever resolve the things that kept me up those first ten years. That's why they woke me up. That is also why I ignored them during the day. Why dwell on what you cannot change?
Being sick these past two and almost a half years did something to me. It forced me to... how to say this....
To relinquish control over parts of my life. I didn't have a choice and I complained quite loudly in my prayers about it.
I realized not long ago that being sick these past few years was the darn solution to my original problem. I forgot and wasn't praying about it in the middle of the night (I was praying about new things) but God didn't forget those ten years of panic attacks. He was fixing the things he knew would continue to keep me up at night after I was well again.
You guys I am not one to believe in being given trials for specific purpose. I do believe, now more than ever, that God will take the situations life throws at us and use them for our good. And I believe that is what he has done here.
Now I may be feeling better lately (for real!). So I may not be wrenched from bed in the middle of the night agonizing over how being sick is negatively affecting my family. And now that these problems are fading away--- I won't be waking up for old problems either. I can just sleep.
This old problem wasn't solved by me doing anything purposefully. In fact it has been solved rather messily. I have been focused on other things more pressing to me at the time. It was as if my current two and a half years of "situation" pushed me into the solution for my other deeper problems. That is what sort of boggles my mind. Do people say "boggles" any more? Well it does. It boggles me.
Now what's keeping me up from 2-4 am is joy. Awe. Gratitude. Testimony that God really does hear me. That he really does know me. He remembered the things that kept me up all those years. He quietly was going about helping me in that area while I suffered through another. And now that I am coming though the specific trial of being sick-- there are no longer those old dark clouds to deal with either. Just blue skies. I wish I could describe the tears of relief. This knowledge that God will work on things I truly feel I don't have the capability to work on. This knowledge that what matters to me in my honest, raw moments matters to Him too. That is a revelation. I always thought I needed to change what honestly bothered me. I thought if I could just change how I felt deep down to whatever it was God wanted me to feel then I wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night anymore.
That didn't turn out to be true in this instance. I feel as though God felt with me all those painful nights. He didn't like what was going on either. Who knew? Who knew.
I feel different. Like I have someone on my side. That my side is valid. Weird. I spent a long time telling myself during the day that I just wasn't a very good person for the things that I let bruise my soul. Then at night being torn from bed letting out how I really felt about it. Over and over again this cycle of telling myself I just wasn't angelic enough or something.
Who put those ideas in my head? This knowledge that just because I want to make things better in my life doesn't make me a bad person. This knowledge that the things that feel wrong to me may be valid makes me feel powerful. Because now that I know that repressing and enduring isn't always the answer- I will start allowing myself to be assertive. I will start being assertive. I will work on improving what sears my soul in the middle of the night. And if what is bothering me is that I honestly have no idea how to solve my problem ( that is what was bugging me all those years more than anything else), then I will find help. End of story. For now.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
shake it out
in a moment to myself i turned on florence and the machine. i turned it way up. i danced a little, not gonna lie. you know, this post is about being sick. or tired. or not enough. those moments you want to curl up in a ball and give up. sometimes you have to turn up the music loud and shake it out. shake it out where no one else is watching until you feel better again. feel all of the emotions you keep at bay during the daily grind. when did life become a daily grind anyway? who says it has to stay that way? Shake it out. live. choose to live today the way you want. no more daily grind. shake it out, dance it out. live your life again. this song is about redemption moments. it is about realizing i am just as human as anyone. i just am. i refuse to judge myself any longer. i refuse to pretend i am anything more than i am. can you see me dancing it out like a nerd? good. smile about that today.
if you are feeling mentally like there is a devil on your back and you are going back and forth and nothing you do is right anyway, put this song on loud and dance for me.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-Florence and the Machine "shake it out"
if you are feeling mentally like there is a devil on your back and you are going back and forth and nothing you do is right anyway, put this song on loud and dance for me.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-Florence and the Machine "shake it out"
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I
This is a messy post. There have been times in my life where the people I was surrounded by wanted to break me and mold me into something like them. Those were darker times in my life. Lately, my life is like the light made by lightning. It is so bright. It is so charged with sudden light and electricity. It is beautiful. I feel this way around the people God has placed in my life lately I feel alive. I worry it is as fleeting as lightning. I am writing this post to remember who I am. I...
There are some people in life you cannot escape. There are obligations you are somehow given. That can suck out your soul and leave you lifeless. This post is for those times.
I am me
I am a person with ideas
I am a person willing to share my ideas with those who may differ
I am brave
I am capable
I have a brain that I use, often, therefore I have
an opinion
If I feel my opinion will help you I am unafraid to tell you
I am a person who asks questions if I don't understand
I am well versed in the scriptures after years of careful, intelligent study
I am unable to be bullied by others misinterpretation of the scriptures
I am not cowed when others assume things about me that are untrue
I am willing to admit when I am wrong
I am still learning
I am unwilling to be ignored
I am straightforward about what I want
I am not afraid of you
I am not afraid of showing what I am
I am willing to listen to and think about good advice
I am not offended when you are offended by me
I roll my eyes when you do something stupid
I am someone who craves honesty
I am someone who craves truth
I consciously stay away from situations where all those present consistently try to break who I am
I am concerned for your well being
I exist
even though that confuses you to no end. Leave me be. Leave me be.
But if you don't leave me be, I will find a way to still be I. And that will be like lightning. It is so dark where you are, but where I let myself be I-- it is like lightning. Try to break me. Try to break the lightning in the darkness, and I will leave to light up with someone else.
There are some people in life you cannot escape. There are obligations you are somehow given. That can suck out your soul and leave you lifeless. This post is for those times.
I am me
I am a person with ideas
I am a person willing to share my ideas with those who may differ
I am brave
I am capable
I have a brain that I use, often, therefore I have
an opinion
If I feel my opinion will help you I am unafraid to tell you
I am a person who asks questions if I don't understand
I am well versed in the scriptures after years of careful, intelligent study
I am unable to be bullied by others misinterpretation of the scriptures
I am not cowed when others assume things about me that are untrue
I am willing to admit when I am wrong
I am still learning
I am unwilling to be ignored
I am straightforward about what I want
I am not afraid of you
I am not afraid of showing what I am
I am willing to listen to and think about good advice
I am not offended when you are offended by me
I roll my eyes when you do something stupid
I am someone who craves honesty
I am someone who craves truth
I consciously stay away from situations where all those present consistently try to break who I am
I am concerned for your well being
I exist
even though that confuses you to no end. Leave me be. Leave me be.
But if you don't leave me be, I will find a way to still be I. And that will be like lightning. It is so dark where you are, but where I let myself be I-- it is like lightning. Try to break me. Try to break the lightning in the darkness, and I will leave to light up with someone else.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
How Do you Feel About Toilets? And Pee. And ummm... One Other Thing...I Forget...
It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets. I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross. Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight? Well. That is what this post is about I guess.
I feel like I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys. I am learning to be a wife. A 30 almost 31 year old wife. To a husband. A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband. Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18?? Oh yes. I was a hot 18 year old. Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old.
What does this have to do with the toilets. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel old? Or young? Smart, or stupid? Capable, or a fool? How do these labels affect you? I will tell you how they affect me.
I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you." or "Know who you are." Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what? Your toilets will command you.
Okay now you think I am being funny. And I am. But this is a serious topic. I don't know who I am. Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.
If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.
This isn't about toilets, you know. It is about insecurity. It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me. I can't breath in my own skin. "This can't be me," I say in desperation. "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim. "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!" another wail in my head says. And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch. This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep? And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily? And then I remember I am 30. 30. 30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18. Or as skinny. (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while) So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning. That's right.
So, I cleaned the damn three toilets. Then I told my husband to go to bed.
I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would. But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.
It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative! My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will). It is that I would like to be more secure than I am. I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs. I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor. I am working on it. Want to work on it with me?
I feel like I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys. I am learning to be a wife. A 30 almost 31 year old wife. To a husband. A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband. Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18?? Oh yes. I was a hot 18 year old. Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old.
What does this have to do with the toilets. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel old? Or young? Smart, or stupid? Capable, or a fool? How do these labels affect you? I will tell you how they affect me.
I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you." or "Know who you are." Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what? Your toilets will command you.
Okay now you think I am being funny. And I am. But this is a serious topic. I don't know who I am. Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.
If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.
This isn't about toilets, you know. It is about insecurity. It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me. I can't breath in my own skin. "This can't be me," I say in desperation. "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim. "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!" another wail in my head says. And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch. This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep? And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily? And then I remember I am 30. 30. 30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18. Or as skinny. (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while) So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning. That's right.
So, I cleaned the damn three toilets. Then I told my husband to go to bed.
I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would. But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.
It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative! My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will). It is that I would like to be more secure than I am. I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs. I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor. I am working on it. Want to work on it with me?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
How I Feel About it Right Now
(This past summer my boys fascinated by a butterfly)
How hard is it to live in the moment? Oh my goodness. Every time I think to myself,
"Just look around. What is going on right now?"
I fight through a buzz of cleaning, cooking, and parenting lists-- pushing them each aside with umph until I finally find that calm and peaceful place that is called PRESENT. I remember doing that this day. Buzzing through my overcrowded brain until-- oh, look... a butterfly...
Speaking of chubby cheeks. You didn't mention chubby cheeks? Huh.
Anyways. Those pictures didn't have all that much to do with this post.
Have there been prayers lately? Like, heartfelt and full of tears, snot, and desperation prayers? Have you sat in your bathroom (alone at last) and gushed out pain and frustration to God. Not necessarily words, because there usually aren't words in those situations, but all the other elements of prayer were there? If so, I feel ya. I hear ya.
I've had those prayers too. Lately I noticed something. Those problems that cause those prayers sometimes don't go away no matter how much you wish they would in those bathroom (again, ALONE AT LAST!) moments. Those issues you are crying about don't go away no matter how many prayers asking for sweet release. They just, stay.
They stay.
So... What to do... Well I'll tell you what I did. I kinda stopped praying about that issue bugging me. I was like... What's the point? Nothing happens when I pray about that and I'm pretty sure I will like, go to hell if I feel disappointed about that. (You know, cause angels always remember that God has his own will and timing, while hellions complain about it.) So how about I just don't put myself in the situation of being frustrated with God and his way of leaving my "issues" here and now instead of whisking them blissfully away. How about that?
So, while I still prayed over how in the world to parent my exceptionally exceptional children, safety, and all the other things, I stopped praying over this.... thing.
Then today I was having a hard time. I decided I would ignore it. I would push on and ignore my hard time. When friends called and asked what was up I would lie. As I went about fulfilling my obligations I would put on fake face and pretend I was good. It was going to be legendary.
Then I received this sweet text from a friend telling me she just felt she needed to check up on me and she asked me how I was doing.
You know those moments? Those moments where God gives you a smack and says-- "Girl, I am here. Not in the way you would like me to be here. But I am always here. Though I am not taking away all of your sorrows, I am helping you through this. Don't forget all the ways I am helping you through this. Also, don't forget all the ways I could help you through this if you prayed about it."
You know those ones?
Well. I remembered. I felt humbled. Mostly I began thinking about what it all meant. This is how I feel about it right now.
God loves me. Simple as that. If he loves me-- well... He DEFINITELY loves you.
The end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)