Integrity

I figured out something and I am excited about it.  I am also a little sad.  So many years wasted not having a firm grip on this one thing.  Anyways.   Can't go back.

So.  Where to begin?  I was thinking about my own identity and what I anchor my identity in.  I think we all do it.  Like- "I am super clean person.  People know I am super clean and that makes me feel good."  Or, "I am service super woman.  I can spot a need a mile away and I can always find a way to fill that need."  Or, "I am patient-know-my-kids-always-have-enough-energy-to-play-an-educational-game-mom.  Everyone knows this about my identity and I connect to others who have this same super power." or, "I am holistic mom.  I cook all of our food, we shall never touch our lips with processed anything and we have no need to see a doctor because of my endless knowledge of herbs and essential oils.  I connect and have friendships with other moms like me."  Or, "I am skinny mom.  I not only work out and eat healthy, I teach others how to do so three times a day during my ballet-pilates class!  I am so so fit and I connect with people who are like me."  Or my personal favorite, "I am spiritual mom!  I wake an hour before my hour workout which is an hour before my kids wake up (did you follow that? did I?) and I read my scriptures.  Then I meditate and write in a journal.  I am always ready with spiritual wells of spirituality because of this.  People who know this about me and if they still want to be my friend are probably this way too.  How joyful and spiritual"

Over the past few years, the reason I think my world was so rocked by getting sick was because I was anchoring my identity in all of these things.  These things were who I was trying to project and be.  I thought that the reason my friends were friends with me and thought I was a valuable person was because of these things.  I thought they were what made me a good person.  I thought they were what made me a respectable person. I thought it was why people would hang out with me.  I thought it was why my kids loved me.  I thought it was what made my husband value me.  It was what brought me inner peace.  All of these things were where I anchored my identity.

Well shoot people.  I got sick and didn't do any of those things well for like three years.

 Oh I would try.  But I would sort of half-way suck half of the time. Oh the shame I would feel.  Oh the way I couldn't look into peoples eyes any more because I yelled, (yelled!) at my kids instead of calmly explaining with an educational game and possibly a primary song based family home evening. Oh how I cringed to be seen (SEEN!) after gaining around 30-ish pounds and not teaching a single pilates-ballet class attended by 30 people.  And I remember lots and lots of frozen pizza.  (Holistic mom shudder).  I would see a need and just sort of sleep all day.  I had nary a spiritual thought provoking study time.  How could I go out and let people see me like this?  I was a bad, bad, person and sometimes I even swore.  I didn't want anyone to see me like this.  No one would love me anymore for certain.  My anchor ropes were all cut and I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't think anyone else would care for who I was.

Is that a dramatic enough explanation?

Yes?  Let's move on then.

I have posted many posts and if you have read them perhaps you can see that I have slowly been moving beyond these stupid as hell anchors and I am finding wells of personal identity in things more stable.  Yay me.  I was seriously hanging on to a few cut ropes very lovingly with my chapped and sore hands though. 

So I called a friend and had a frank discussion about what I felt I was anchoring my identity in and how dumb it was that I didn't want anyone to see me anymore because I couldn't stop feeling ashamed that I wasn't all of the things named above.

And then I had the thought of all thoughts people.  And it has brought me so much darn peace.  My gorgeous friend said,

"You know what?  It comes down to this.  We all know inside ourselves what is best for us."

And then I said,

"Yes.  It comes down to integrity, really.  If we have integrity, we are going to do what is right for us, no matter how it looks to other people, no matter if we are judged harshly for it, no matter if we lose friends.  And the friends we will have will stay because they are attracted to our strength of integrity.  They respect that we will always to what is right for us no matter what it may look like to other people.  They will respect that what is right for us is subject to change.  On a daily basis. We must take care of ourselves."


And that, my friends, is what I figured out.  We each do what we feel is right for us, and what is right for us is so damn fluid.  If I anchor myself on what is right at the time, I will feel so bad when what is right changes.  But if I anchor myself on the fact that I am proud that I am doing what is right for me today, I will always be able to look you straight in the eye.  No matter that we have different things that are right for us.  No matter.  I won't judge you for knowing and doing what is right for you.  And we will only be friends if you know the same thing about me. 

The world is a beautiful place my friends.  Have peace that deep down you know what you need for you.  Strive to do that and have peace.

I love all those "moms" I described up there.  I also love what I can be day today.  I am proud.  I have peace.  For now.  Until the next post and I tell you about another tumultuous time in my life and what thought I had that brought me peace:).

Too many thoughts

I have so many thoughts lately about the power of words and how I can do better. I choose garbage words out of laziness. I would feel like I had better manners if I worked harder on choosing bigger words.  Words other than crap and awesome.

(this sign is awesome)

 I also am thinking about faith and how it can be hard to behave a certain way when you have strong personal feelings.  Like when I am mad.  You know.... God says don't get mad.  I get mad sometimes (shhhhh....)  And I was thinking about how controlling my temper would be doing what God says to do.  It would be an act of faith.  So.  Maybe I should have more faith in what God is telling me to do and trust that even though I am seeing red I should keep quiet and master that feeling.  I'm thinking that act of faith would be worth it in the end.

I have been thinking about "Jesus the Christ" by James E Talmage.  Have you read that book?  I have been thinking that whenever I read that book it ruins any church function because all I hear is James E Talmage in the back of my head correcting whoever is talking.  Maybe it is good.  But mostly it ruins church.  I love learning and reading from him though.  There is so much I don't know.

I have been thinking about the push and pull of hard work and peace and rest.  I love getting things done that are hard.  I love the feeling that I have taken good care of my kids.  Hours of homework, vacuuming, talking with them about minecraft, talking with them about the weird liberal things they learn at school (who knows what they might want to discuss??  I just want to be always available!), picking up socks, making dinner interesting despite the fact my kids just want a cheese quesadilla, organizing and cleaning up my home.  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about. 

(what is it about this game?  Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer?)

And then there is rest.  I find lately that I don't rest well unless everything is done.  And um... it never is.  My husband was talking about a work seminar he went to about being a good manager.  The seminar spoke about the art of taking a fifteen minute break.  Yeah that sounds crazy to me. Fifteen minutes is valuable time people.  I can get a lot done in fifteen child free minutes.   Yet, I think if I went ahead and took fifteen minutes to say, eat a snack and sit down- I would then be refreshed so that all the mom projects didn't take me forever because I am dragging my tired, hungry, and therefore irritable body through doing it.  Someday I hope to grow up and perfect taking fifteen minute breaks. 

Lately I am thinking about how different each person is.  I am also thinking about how good people are, yet how easy it is to judge a person by one act.  I think that is wrong.  I think about how that feels wrong lately.  I am so tired of anyone I love being misjudged.  I am also tired of misjudging them myself.  I am too easily critical of those I love.  I am wishing I could just let it go and live my life without ever worrying about how anyone else is living their life.  It's super hard.  It's super dumb that it is super hard. 

I am thinking about body image.  What is right?  There is no right.  Body image is personal.  Some people like myself hate gaining weight and it goes waaaaaaay back as to why.  Some people work hard every day to be thin thin thin and fit.  Some people work hard and are not thin.  Some people are cool with not working hard and are still thin.  Some people.... blah blah blah there are so many different "rights" and mostly I am tired of my own inner dialogue and how I go back and forth between believing I am beautiful and having positive inner thoughts and just bashing on myself.  It is getting so old.  And just when I thought I was doing better-- I wasn't anymore.

I have been wrestling with being a good mom and what it means.  Yeah.  I am about to hang this sign in my boys bathroom. 

(its totally motivating)

I have been thinking about protesters.  And faith.  And trust in my religion.  And complacency.  And blind faith vs educated faith.  I respect educated faith more than blind lately.  Yet I spent the first 25-27 years of my life respecting blind faith more.  I can't remember when that shift happened. There is maybe nothing I love better than reading a book by James E Talmage, an educated man, and just drinking in his expertise on Jesus Christ.  It is awesome.  I also loooove listening to anyone educated talking about their views on religion.  It is a breath of fresh air to me.  I think that I also respect protesters when they are educated.  I like hearing what they have to say.  It interests me. I am not a protester.  I think I am not smart enough to be one.

I have been thinking about how blessed I am to have friends lately.  Intelligent friends who can relate to one another and who lift each other up and encourage one another to be amazing all in the same spot are rare.   I feel like God was good to me to gather so many people where I live that I would pay to spend the day with.  And they don't charge. 

There is more.  I am going to stop there for today.

image credits:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Minecraft-360.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/gaming/minecraft-xbox-360-edition-review/&h=844&w=1200&sz=102&tbnid=X9mLEW-DMD-KdM:&tbnh=122&tbnw=173&zoom=1&usg=__01J_QD0jn93e7ht1wa5387esKME=&docid=ptYp6ElsVVKSAM&sa=X&ei=BlxhUvPUO4er2AWAxYDQBA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAQ

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.artfire.com/uploads/product/5/875/92875/4692875/4692875/large/im_too_old_for_this_crap_funny_wood_sign_c12360f4.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/product_view/CountryWorkshop/4692875/Im_Too_Old_For_this_Crap_Funny_Wood_Sign/Folk_Art_Primitives/Signs&h=455&w=500&sz=55&tbnid=tOf9I8XvjWoAQM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=99&zoom=1&usg=__9FL6hSLNVH8wmzSVKDsTmFXhsUA=&docid=j-fu1nWahneT3M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=C11hUru1OMbK2AWfp4GABA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAg

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/104145810105605316/ (so this link is broken but this is where I originally bought the sign for the bathroom)

How Do you Feel About Toilets? And Pee. And ummm... One Other Thing...I Forget...

It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets.  I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross.  Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight?  Well.  That is what this post is about I guess.

I feel like I am still learning.  I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys.  I am learning to be a wife.  A 30 almost 31 year old wife.  To a husband.  A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband.  Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18??  Oh yes.  I was a hot 18 year old.  Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old. 

What does this have to do with the toilets.  Hmmm.

Do you ever feel old?  Or young?  Smart, or stupid?  Capable, or a fool?  How do these labels affect you?  I will tell you how they affect me.

I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you."  or  "Know who you are."  Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what?  Your toilets will command you.

Okay now you think I am being funny.  And I am.  But this is a serious topic.  I don't know who I am.  Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.

If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.

This isn't about toilets, you know.  It is about insecurity.  It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me.  I can't breath in my own skin.  "This can't be me," I say in desperation.  "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim.  "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!"  another wail in my head says.  And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch.  This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep?  And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily?  And then I remember I am 30.  30.  30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18.  Or as skinny.  (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while)  So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning.  That's right. 

So, I cleaned the damn three toilets.  Then I told my husband to go to bed.

I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would.  But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.

It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative!  My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will).  It is that I would like to be more secure than I am.  I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs.  I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor.  I am working on it.  Want to work on it with me?

I Have Been Thinking...

The other night I had some wonderful couples over for a date night.  The women naturally gravitated towards the kitchen and lovely chit chat while the men gravitated towards a football game I graciously told my husband he could keep on low...  (Not that I tell him what to do...)

Since the women were in the kitchen, we started munching on some of the yummy snacks that were brought over.  Since we were munching-- talk started turning towards weight, body type, dieting, losing weight, exactly how much each woman felt she needed to lose...

Okay so this is what has been on my mind ever since.

All of the ladies that were in my home were so lovely.  I don't just say these things.  They were sincerely lovely and I would stop and stare if I saw them walking down the street.  I do that.

Not only that-- but let me say that these women are intelligent.  Not only are they book smart, but they are life experience smart.  They have some of the most beautiful lives because of challenges they are brave enough to overcome daily.  They have that glow about them that only comes to those who have faith.  They are lovely.  Like I said.

Yet here they were talking about weight.  Diet.  Perceived imperfections.  Yes, I am going to say perceived, because I just don't see it. 

I.  Just.  Don't.  See.  It.

I am a person who believes in acknowledging weaknesses.  I LOVE people who are constantly trying to improve themselves, their lives, and the lives of the people around them.  I am happiest when I am improving something, be it my soul, my home, my life, someone else's life, etc.

But there is just something about complaining about a lovely body shape that irks me. Especially when you pair that body shape with a lovely mind.  I mean, there is no comparison.

I believe that one of the first steps to overcoming this tendency is to learn to love many different body shapes. 

Because it is silly to just believe there is one lovely shape.

Discuss.