Too many thoughts

I have so many thoughts lately about the power of words and how I can do better. I choose garbage words out of laziness. I would feel like I had better manners if I worked harder on choosing bigger words.  Words other than crap and awesome.

(this sign is awesome)

 I also am thinking about faith and how it can be hard to behave a certain way when you have strong personal feelings.  Like when I am mad.  You know.... God says don't get mad.  I get mad sometimes (shhhhh....)  And I was thinking about how controlling my temper would be doing what God says to do.  It would be an act of faith.  So.  Maybe I should have more faith in what God is telling me to do and trust that even though I am seeing red I should keep quiet and master that feeling.  I'm thinking that act of faith would be worth it in the end.

I have been thinking about "Jesus the Christ" by James E Talmage.  Have you read that book?  I have been thinking that whenever I read that book it ruins any church function because all I hear is James E Talmage in the back of my head correcting whoever is talking.  Maybe it is good.  But mostly it ruins church.  I love learning and reading from him though.  There is so much I don't know.

I have been thinking about the push and pull of hard work and peace and rest.  I love getting things done that are hard.  I love the feeling that I have taken good care of my kids.  Hours of homework, vacuuming, talking with them about minecraft, talking with them about the weird liberal things they learn at school (who knows what they might want to discuss??  I just want to be always available!), picking up socks, making dinner interesting despite the fact my kids just want a cheese quesadilla, organizing and cleaning up my home.  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about. 

(what is it about this game?  Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer?)

And then there is rest.  I find lately that I don't rest well unless everything is done.  And um... it never is.  My husband was talking about a work seminar he went to about being a good manager.  The seminar spoke about the art of taking a fifteen minute break.  Yeah that sounds crazy to me. Fifteen minutes is valuable time people.  I can get a lot done in fifteen child free minutes.   Yet, I think if I went ahead and took fifteen minutes to say, eat a snack and sit down- I would then be refreshed so that all the mom projects didn't take me forever because I am dragging my tired, hungry, and therefore irritable body through doing it.  Someday I hope to grow up and perfect taking fifteen minute breaks. 

Lately I am thinking about how different each person is.  I am also thinking about how good people are, yet how easy it is to judge a person by one act.  I think that is wrong.  I think about how that feels wrong lately.  I am so tired of anyone I love being misjudged.  I am also tired of misjudging them myself.  I am too easily critical of those I love.  I am wishing I could just let it go and live my life without ever worrying about how anyone else is living their life.  It's super hard.  It's super dumb that it is super hard. 

I am thinking about body image.  What is right?  There is no right.  Body image is personal.  Some people like myself hate gaining weight and it goes waaaaaaay back as to why.  Some people work hard every day to be thin thin thin and fit.  Some people work hard and are not thin.  Some people are cool with not working hard and are still thin.  Some people.... blah blah blah there are so many different "rights" and mostly I am tired of my own inner dialogue and how I go back and forth between believing I am beautiful and having positive inner thoughts and just bashing on myself.  It is getting so old.  And just when I thought I was doing better-- I wasn't anymore.

I have been wrestling with being a good mom and what it means.  Yeah.  I am about to hang this sign in my boys bathroom. 

(its totally motivating)

I have been thinking about protesters.  And faith.  And trust in my religion.  And complacency.  And blind faith vs educated faith.  I respect educated faith more than blind lately.  Yet I spent the first 25-27 years of my life respecting blind faith more.  I can't remember when that shift happened. There is maybe nothing I love better than reading a book by James E Talmage, an educated man, and just drinking in his expertise on Jesus Christ.  It is awesome.  I also loooove listening to anyone educated talking about their views on religion.  It is a breath of fresh air to me.  I think that I also respect protesters when they are educated.  I like hearing what they have to say.  It interests me. I am not a protester.  I think I am not smart enough to be one.

I have been thinking about how blessed I am to have friends lately.  Intelligent friends who can relate to one another and who lift each other up and encourage one another to be amazing all in the same spot are rare.   I feel like God was good to me to gather so many people where I live that I would pay to spend the day with.  And they don't charge. 

There is more.  I am going to stop there for today.

image credits:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Minecraft-360.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.digitaltrends.com/gaming/minecraft-xbox-360-edition-review/&h=844&w=1200&sz=102&tbnid=X9mLEW-DMD-KdM:&tbnh=122&tbnw=173&zoom=1&usg=__01J_QD0jn93e7ht1wa5387esKME=&docid=ptYp6ElsVVKSAM&sa=X&ei=BlxhUvPUO4er2AWAxYDQBA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAQ

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.artfire.com/uploads/product/5/875/92875/4692875/4692875/large/im_too_old_for_this_crap_funny_wood_sign_c12360f4.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/product_view/CountryWorkshop/4692875/Im_Too_Old_For_this_Crap_Funny_Wood_Sign/Folk_Art_Primitives/Signs&h=455&w=500&sz=55&tbnid=tOf9I8XvjWoAQM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=99&zoom=1&usg=__9FL6hSLNVH8wmzSVKDsTmFXhsUA=&docid=j-fu1nWahneT3M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=C11hUru1OMbK2AWfp4GABA&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAg

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/104145810105605316/ (so this link is broken but this is where I originally bought the sign for the bathroom)

Did You Know?

Did you know, that if your kids want to be in a parade, there is a way to call up some of their friends and make that happen?  Oh yes.  You can decorate their bikes, scooters, really any contraption with wheels with streamers or balloons (or both), you can turn up the music really loud in your car, and you can follow as every one rides or pushes their contraption around the block and your kids will Totally feel like they have been in a parade.

In fact, your kids and those friends will feel glorious afterwards.  What?

I just love the way summer inspires me to slow down and take time to create magic for my kids.  It isn't even hard.  That suprised me.  I thought it would be harder. 

 I feel that deep down, I am a really terrible mother.  I think I live in fear of that being true.  Every day I look in the mirror, second guessing all of the decisions I make for my children.   I wonder to myself, "Am I doing it all wrong?  Do I really have any idea of what I am doing?  Is that seriously a cobweb in my BLINDS?"  The thing is, I really really want to do it right, and I live in fear that I am doing it wrong.  Not just a little bit wrong either, like, psychological damage ruined life wrong.  Sheesh I need more medication.

I think there is a point to this.

On days like the Parade Day, as I sit around the dinner table and hear the kids tell thier father with shining eyes that mom made a parade and they were in it, I feel deep down inside that maybe I did something right.   I like that feeling and I try to repeat that feeling as often as possible.

And don't try to tell me I am a good mom.  We don't really know each other well enough for you to do that.  I think what I really wonder is-- do other mom's share my fear?  Or am I the only one who feels, "God made me a mom and I am sure it is a joke he's playing on me most of the time."

Oh yes, God has a sense of humor.  Don't ever doubt it. 

If you do share that fear with me, what do you do to combat it?  A parade?  Maybe?

I feel like reading books to my children at night is a good mom thing too.  I always feel like, "Man, I am an awesome mom.  I like, read to my kids.  Whew!"  Isn't that funny?  When we all sit down at the table for dinner at the same time, I feel pretty darn awesome too.  Oh- family home evening is another one.  If I am doing family home evening, I totally have an I'm a terrific person moment.  What are your moments?  Tell me tell me.

Peanut Butter? Um... No

My third son asks me every day if he,

"can make a butter samwich and eat it?"

The first time he asked me if he could do this we were going on a picnic.  When I am trying to herd my children out the door for an event like this, I generally speak to all of them at once.  So this day I said,

"Everyone make yourself a sandwich, put it in a baggy, then put it in your lunchbox so we can go have a picnic.

My third child, who is 4, had never made himself a sandwich before.  I was running around like a crazy person filling water bottles with ice water, digging around for granola bars, and resurrecting lunch boxes that had been getting buried in the pantry since school had let out for summer.  I suppose while I was doing this he was thinking,

"Hmmmm.... I am not very good at spreading things on bread like my brothers are.  Is there a very soft substance that I also like to eat on bread?  Then I can be big like them..."

I came back from crazy-finding-gathering-long-lost-lunch-paraphernalia land to Jackson proudly showing me a sandwich in a baggy inside his lunch box.  He said,

"I made a butter sandwich!"

 I said, "A peanut butter sandwich?"

He responded, "No, a butter sandwich."

Um.  Okay.

He has made himself a butter sandwich nearly every day since then.

Ew. 

But you should see him.  His chubby cheeks lift towards the counter as he searches for creamy yellow butter from the butter dish with his knife.  He concentrates as he determines that he is going to try to cut it in half by himself this time.  The way he carefully brings his plate to the table and then the way he eats all but the crust and then declares, "I can cut all my samwiches in half by myself for you now mom.  When you make grilled cheese, I will cut it for you."  He gets this look in his eyes as he thinks about these glorious future moments of independence. 

Dear little one.  I hope I can give you more chances to feel independent in your life.  I love the look you get in your eyes as you work for something you want.  You inspire me to help all three of my boys have that look every day of their lives.  You are so precious to me.  I am so glad I am your mom.