"Let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."

For years I was so good at reading my scriptures and studying what my LDS religion believes about God on a daily basis.  Because I had done this from a fairly young teenager I don't think I really knew how much that daily study gave me.  Or what it gave me either.  A few years ago my health declined and with that my energy and my state of mind that told me how to study.  I stopped daily journaling, I stopped studying daily.  I mostly slept.  So... there were a lot of other things I stopped doing as well.  Playing physically with my kids being at the top of my list of most notable changes.  I endured great pain on an almost daily basis. 

Anyways, point is, something I had done for years stopped.  Recently, I picked up the habit again.  I highly recommend it.  I study, and then I meditate about what I studied.  My mind is quiet except for giving my questions to God and trying to listen to what he has to say.  Through listening to the words of the LDS prophets and reading scriptures, I find answers to pressing questions.  Pressing is such a good way to describe my questions.  Call me a fixator.  But when I have a question it almost hurts.  I can't sleep.  It keeps me up at night.  It presses on my life until I find an answer. 

I got an answer to a question today. I found myself backpedaling lately.  Like, I would think about important decisions I had made with God when I was younger, and then I would think-  what if I hadn't taken the hard road?  I was thinking that some decisions I had made had truly been a trial in my life.   I kept wondering in the back part of my mind( that won't let me sleep already at 1 or 2 in the morning) if my life decisions had truly been inspired.  What if my life had been easier?  What if God had just removed obstacles in my life instead? 

I began to make a list in my journal of what if's.  What if this had come easily?   What if that trial hadn't been there?  Who would I be today?  I will write a portion of my thoughts,

"Well, I never would have buried myself and then clawed my slow way back to the surface piece by piece with the Lord's help.  He has pulled up all of my traits and then illuminated them and told me he thinks they are good.  Where would I be if I hadn't had the trials that caused me to bury myself in the first place?  If an easy life had provided me self worth and given me all I "needed"?  I don't know.  But I am who I am because of my struggles.  My relationship with God is what it is because I remember him pulling me out and up from my dark personal struggles and illuminating me.  He is the one who told me I am good.  So now I can stand alone.  With no one else propping me up because God has given me strength.  He worked my own muscles.  He was my partner."

And you know what that is cool.  And maybe God really does have a hand in our lives.  Even when it seems like it doesn't make much sense.  I really think that God has a completely different idea of what he wants me to be at the end of my life than I ever anticipated.  I really think that my expectations for how I would grow were just not true.  Yes there were many different directions my life path could have taken so far.  And also, yes I truly followed what I felt God told me to do.  It is easy to go back to young Chelsie and scold her for not standing up for herself more.  For not asking more questions.  But I also think she was pretty brave to do what she felt deep in her heart were the right things at the time.  I wouldn't be who I am.  Someone who can stand alone.  If I hadn't been someone buried for years first.  All the ground I have gained as a woman I have earned.  That is something.  And I couldn't have done it without God, because there wasn't anyone else around to give it to me.  And I wouldn't have the confidence I have in God without it.  We read over and over again in the scriptures how we can't rely on the arm of man.  That God alone will never leave us disappointed.  My life has been one big lesson about turning to him and no other. 

So I just thought I would write about that today.  What do you think about it?  Have you learned hard lessons about relying only on God too? 

And I am really going to try to keep up my daily study and meditation.  It is so worth it for these moments of illumination and the peace that comes with them.  Have a great day.  Remember how God feels about ya.

UtterGirl

Reference for the title

How Do you Feel About Toilets? And Pee. And ummm... One Other Thing...I Forget...

It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets.  I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross.  Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight?  Well.  That is what this post is about I guess.

I feel like I am still learning.  I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys.  I am learning to be a wife.  A 30 almost 31 year old wife.  To a husband.  A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband.  Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18??  Oh yes.  I was a hot 18 year old.  Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old. 

What does this have to do with the toilets.  Hmmm.

Do you ever feel old?  Or young?  Smart, or stupid?  Capable, or a fool?  How do these labels affect you?  I will tell you how they affect me.

I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you."  or  "Know who you are."  Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what?  Your toilets will command you.

Okay now you think I am being funny.  And I am.  But this is a serious topic.  I don't know who I am.  Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.

If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.

This isn't about toilets, you know.  It is about insecurity.  It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me.  I can't breath in my own skin.  "This can't be me," I say in desperation.  "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim.  "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!"  another wail in my head says.  And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch.  This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep?  And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily?  And then I remember I am 30.  30.  30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18.  Or as skinny.  (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while)  So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning.  That's right. 

So, I cleaned the damn three toilets.  Then I told my husband to go to bed.

I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would.  But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.

It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative!  My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will).  It is that I would like to be more secure than I am.  I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs.  I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor.  I am working on it.  Want to work on it with me?

How I Feel About it Right Now

(This past summer my boys fascinated by a butterfly)

 

 

How hard is it to live in the moment?  Oh my goodness.  Every time I think to myself,

 

"Just look around.  What is going on right now?"

 

I fight through a buzz of cleaning, cooking, and parenting lists-- pushing them each aside with umph until I finally find that calm and peaceful place that is called PRESENT.  I remember doing that this day.  Buzzing through my overcrowded brain until-- oh, look...  a butterfly...

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of chubby cheeks.  You didn't mention chubby cheeks?  Huh.

 

 

 

Anyways.  Those pictures didn't have all that much to do with this post. 

 

 

 

Have there been prayers lately?  Like, heartfelt and full of tears, snot, and desperation prayers?  Have you sat in your bathroom (alone at last) and gushed out pain and frustration to God.  Not necessarily words, because there usually aren't words in those situations, but all the other elements of prayer were there?   If so, I feel ya.  I hear ya.

 

I've had those prayers too.  Lately I noticed something.  Those problems that cause those prayers sometimes don't go away no matter how much you wish they would in those bathroom  (again, ALONE AT LAST!) moments.  Those issues you are crying about don't go away no matter how many prayers asking for sweet release.  They just, stay. 

 

They stay.

 

 

So...  What to do...  Well I'll tell you what I did.  I kinda stopped praying about that issue bugging me.  I was like... What's the point?  Nothing happens when I pray about that and I'm pretty sure I will like, go to hell if I feel disappointed about that.  (You know, cause angels always remember that God has his own will and timing, while hellions complain about it.)  So how about I just don't put myself in the situation of being frustrated with God and his way of leaving my "issues" here and now instead of whisking them blissfully away.  How about that?

 

So, while I still prayed over how in the world to parent my exceptionally exceptional children, safety, and all the other things, I stopped praying over this.... thing.

 

Then today I was having a hard time.  I decided I would ignore it.  I would push on and ignore my hard time.  When friends called and asked what was up I would lie.  As I went about fulfilling my obligations I would put on fake face and pretend I was good.  It was going to be legendary. 

 

Then I received this sweet text from a friend telling me she just felt she needed to check up on me and she asked me how I was doing.

 

You know those moments?  Those moments where God gives you a smack and says-- "Girl, I am here.  Not in the way you would like me to be here.  But I am always here.  Though I am not taking away all of your sorrows, I am helping you through this.  Don't forget all the ways I am helping you through this.  Also, don't forget all the ways I could help you through this if you prayed about it."

 

You know those ones?

 

Well.  I remembered.  I felt humbled.  Mostly I began thinking about what it all meant.   This is how I feel about it right now.

 

God loves me.  Simple as that.  If he loves me-- well...  He DEFINITELY loves you. 

 

The end.

 



The Thing About Being Crazy Honest

I love being crazy honest.  It is so cleansing.  It is so freeing.  I think it is funny when I fear opening up and being honest about something and then it turns out that I had nothing to fear.  My brain is so crazy.  The more often I am honest about how I am feeling at that very moment, the more I come to terms with that crazy brain, the more I understand myself, and the more I connect with others.  So that is one of the very biggest reasons why I blog. 

Understand this though.  What I feel and write about so vehemently today, may be completely different by tomorrow.  After I write out what I feel, the thing I love more than anything is hearing someone else's take on what I said.  I love having discussions.  Ah- discussions.  Talk to me.  Change my opinion.  Tell me why I am fundamentally wrong.  Teach me about you and where you come from.  I want to learn from you.  YOU.  (Did you hear that?)  By tomorrow I will have a completely different view-- and I hope you are okay with that.  I feel that, as humans, we can have a tendency to want to keep people where they are in our memories.  One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to allow each other to change.  Allow me to grow, and maybe we will get along on this blog of mine.  It is mine. 

Lately I have been struggling with prayer.  I also have been struggling with the doctrine of the church.  What is it?  Where is it?  What is the definition of Doctrine?  Why are there so many interpretations of the same scriptures?  Why do we fight so hard for what we deem to be the correct interpretation?  Why do we judge others so harshly for having a different interpretation of a scripture that isn't very clearly laid out?  The Word of Wisdom is a perfect example of this to me.  I have Vegan friends, grain free friends, gluten free friends, dairy free friends, friends that are juicers, friends that are against taking prescription meds, friends that love prescription meds, friends that hate cooking and buy everything at least semi premade, and friends who only eat what they cook and deem to be "real food".  I love all of these people and I really love hearing about how they ended up on the path they are on. I like hearing their stories and interpretations of the Word of Wisdom and how on earth they decided that they could be so certain about that interpretation that they actually want to tell the world all about it.  It fascinates me.

Anyways-- as much as I enjoy learning, I also get frustrated when doctrine isn't clear.  I am a, "Tell me exactly what I need to do so I can go get it done, " type of personality.

Also, what am I praying for, exactly?  To align myself with God's will?  Really?  Or am I supposed to tell him honestly all of my  thoughts?  Am I supposed to tell him all of my super silly thoughts, then listen and hope that what the spirit tells me afterwards makes my thoughts more in line with the way they should be?  Probably.  Mostly what seems to happen since I got sick though is this,

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to be alive and spend time with my children and husband today...  Thank you for all the things you helped me accomplish, it felt really nice to get those things done.  Please help me to do better tomorrow.... zzzzzzzzzz... {start awake!} ummm... (then I start to get really guilty feelings as I think of that quote, "What if tomorrow I only woke up to the things I thanked God for the night before?")  Oh-  Thank you so much for my husband and my children and my wonderful  family and friends and .... zzzzzzzz....  "

Then I feel a gentle nudge from the spirit saying, "It is okay, just get in bed so you can rest your weary and aching bones."

And I end my prayer with gratitude for the kindness of our Heavenly Father, hoping I am not so exhausted tomorrow (which I will be-- experience people) and I climb in bed hoping for an excellent night of sleep and a fresh beginning to live life to its fullest tomorrow...

Perhaps my shorty prayers are proof that I am living life to it's fullest and that is why I am so dern tired.  zzzzzzzz....

Goodnight my friends.  Here is to fresh starts and understanding one another, rather than willfully misunderstanding, you know? 

Joy and Misery

I remember a seminary class I attended in the 11th grade where the teacher had written on the board,

"Why Suffer?"

He then taught a class about all the reasons he had uncovered for human suffering.  I am grateful for that class because I think it taught me that suffering is going to happen, and too not get to hung up on the whole, "WHY??????" mentality;). 

I think it is good to wonder why to a point, but I also feel that we aren't always given answers.  It is a part of life that we are to struggle against all odds.  It gives excitement to our overall story.  Who wants to pass down a story to their grand kids about how well they did because everything was so easy?  No no-- we want to be legendary.  We want to have something to say about how we were strong, intelligent beings who molded-- with difficulty--- their life until it was shaped into something worth reading about.  I want my life to be gorgeous because I made it that way, not because that is how it was handed to me.

But-  I am off the original topic.

Last month I came across something in my scripture reading that I hadn't thought about before.  I believe it answers the , "Why Suffer?"  question a bit.  Even though I write about wanting to be able to hand down a glorious story to my grandchildren, it is still difficult to hang on to such a romantic mentality when in the depths of crappy misery.  Oh is it hard.  It is good during these times especially to be reminded why we struggle on to wrestle life into what we want it to be.

So if you are trudging on every day, just glad to be able to put one torturous foot in front of the other, barely hanging on with your chipped fingernails-- perhaps this one is for you. 

Have you ever read The Count of Monte Cristo?

(SPOILER ALERT!  If you haven't read this novel, there are spoilers in this next paragraph)

Well, you should if ya haven't.  I loved it, yet there was a part that sincerely bothered me after I read it.  During the novel the "count" feels he is blessed with resources that grant him the ability to act in Gods name for revenge on those who ruined his life.  That part was interesting enough.  He also felt it in his power to reward those he admired and who tried to help him in his life.  So he did so.  There was one Character in particular who he felt deep love and friendship towards.  So he set about making this man miserable.  He lets this man think his true love was dead.  He let this man eventually "kill" himself because he was so miserable over it, but she wasn't really dead and he wasn't really killing himself.  When the man woke up again after attempting suicide, he was in his loves arms.   The friend was given a letter from the Count explaining that since he loved his friend so well, he wanted him to be truly happy.  The Count tells his friend that he knows deep and true happiness is never achieved until you have felt total misery.  Oh yes.  When I finished reading that portion of the novel and after I had closed my shocked mouth,  I felt indignation at the Count's treatment of one he professed to love so well.

A few weeks later I was reading in the Book Of Mormon, 2 Nephi chapter two verse 23

The verse is talking about Adam and Eve and how if they had remained in the Garden of Eden they would have,

"remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery..."

I read and re-read this scripture.  I was already thinking about this topic because of the novel I had recently finished, so it was so surprising to run across what looked like the exact same view point as the novel I had been reading-- yet it was there in my scriptures!

Perhaps if we never experience misery-- And I mean MISERY.  That is the word used.  MISERY.  Duh duh DUHHHHH.....

Perhaps if we never experience misery, we will never know joy.  If men are that they might have joy, well-- they also are that might have misery, or they will never have joy.

In a dark hour, I read that novel, then I read that scripture, and I knew I was experiencing muddy ugly misery.  I also remembered that it was only so that I could understand joy once it was in front of me.  It reminded to me start shaping my life work with that muddy misery, so that when my grandchildren learn about me someday, they will see that I shaped my muddy misery time with care and I came through with an awesome sculpture.  They can know that I experienced true joy and I was able to recognize it.  They will say-- I hope that I can experience Joy too, and they will know that if they are to do that, they will have to have misery as well, so they won't be afraid of it so much when it comes.  They will be able to take misery more in stride, knowing life comes with both it and joy, and they should be glad because it is either both or nothing.

If I could go back and choose, I would choose both. 

(You are thinking... what is she looking at.....?)

Hope

So I have written about how I was a relatively healthy woman, able to do most of the tasks I wanted. I could take care of our children and home and my calling with ease. 

Then I became sick with a mystery sickness no doctor in my area could cure.  I was in bed most days and in pain.  I won't go into more detail.  It could be worse, right?  I remember that.

Well, I felt like finding out what was wrong with me, and when we had exhausted our resources of doctors in this area, I had the distinct feeling that it would be good to try to get into The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  I had my family doctor make an appointment.

I wanted to go to Mayo because I felt there are good doctors who work together in a different way than any other places I had been.  They have access to research and specialists who all work together to help me get better.  I have had friends go to Mayo and get treatment they did not get anywhere else.  Treatment that saved their lives.


Also, it felt right.  When I thought about trying to get into Mayo, it was the first time I felt like I was going the right direction.  I felt in my core that my Heavenly Father wanted me to go there.

My first appointment was December 1st and we are still here, staying in a hotel, while I complete all of my appointment.s

What I really want to write about is hope, though. 

I learned a thing or two about hope going to local doctors around my home.  I would go to my first appointment with a specialist, tell them my symptoms, they would tell me the possible diagnosis and schedule tests.  I would begin to hope.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop myself.  I would hope that this would be the time we would figure out what was bothering my body, we would treat it, and I would get better.  I would have visions of who I used to be and get excited to see her back again.

Then, when the tests came back I would go for a followup appointment.  The specialist would look at the results and say they didn't find anything.  Then he would look at me and say, "I'm sorry.  I don't know what is causing your symptoms."  He would send me away.  I would sit in my car and cry in disappointment.  Then I would try to remember how it could be worse.  It wasn't the end of the world.  And I would try to heal my heart with these thoughts.  I would recall all my blessings, because there are many.  I would feel ashamed that I forgot them.  After my tears were dry, I would drive home, resolving that I would try to not hope at my next appointment unless there was a reason.

So now here I am at Mayo, and I have seen a general internist who scheduled many tests for me.  After the test results are back I will meet with specialists here.

This is not a cheap trip, but I am willing to pay for answers that I haven't been able to find on my own.

I keep feeling guilty because I have the recurring thought, "What if it isn't worth it?  What if they don't find anything here either and I go home empty handed?  That would be an expensive mistake."

This morning I asked my sweet husband to turn off the TV for half an hour in our hotel room so I could read my scriptures.  I needed some quiet.  I need it every day, you know?  I opened my scriptures and I felt so empty, like I was just reading words on a page.

I have learned that when I am having a hard time feeling the spirit as I read my scriptures that it is good to try to come up with a question I would like answered.  Not just any trivial question if I really want to feel closer to my Heavenly Father, but the most burning question I have.  The question that has been occurring the most often and has been, deep down, causing me the most anxiety in my alone hours.

I was ashamed of my question so I almost didn't ask it, but I have learned to just ask because the results are always good when I am brave enough to just be honest with my God.

I wrote in my little notebook I like to always keep with me,

"Are we here at Mayo for a reason???"

In my mind I thought about all my other questions, "Is the money spent going to be worth it?  Am I wasting our time?  Will we get answers?"

Then I opened my scriptures and began to read where I have a marker in the Book of Mormon.

I am reading in 2Nephi lately, I am in chapter 10.  As I read I began to quiet my mind.  I pushed out all my doubts and worries and just tried to be quiet, another thing I have learned is useful when seeking to feel closer to God.

Then I came to verse 10.  At the end of the verse it says this,

"..For he has spoken it, and who can dispute?"

A thought came to my mind,

"Where is your faith?"

I thought about all the times I had felt so good about coming here.  I know who gave me those feelings after I had studied it out and decided it was a good thing to do.  I am supposed to be here. 

That makes this time different.  I have faith in those experiences with my God. 

So I can hope.

That is why the order is faith then hope.

I can hope this time because I have faith we are here for a reason.

I learned about why it goes in that order this morning.

If I have faith that God told me it would be good to be here, then this time, it is also okay to hope.  I just need to have faith.

I hope you followed that.  I feel a bit out of practice!

Why Do I Do This?

Before I read my scriptures in the morning I sometimes like to think about what is bothering me the most.  I try to think of what question I have asked myself the most lately.  What is really going on in my mind?  What have I not addressed with my Heavenly Father.  What am I not bringing to the healer?

Today I picked up my actual scriptures-- which is new.  I have been using my phone and my scripture app for some time.

My scriptures have been with me through every major event in my life.  I think of them like a journal.  I love them and would be so sad to lose them. 

I was staring at my closed scriptures and thought to myself, "Why am I doing this today?  What is it that I should be asking that I'm not?" 

No answer came, so I just opened them.  I opened them to 1Nephi 8:21

"And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood."

That is what I am trying to do too.  This is a passage about Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life.  The path leads to that tree.  That is me lately, don't you think?  I talk of finding balance and purpose in my life and how much of a struggle it is.  Maybe I should think of this process a bit differently.

I am just one of many who are struggling to find the tree of life, "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy."

The fruit is the love of God.  My focus has been on me and all that I need to do to feel content, happy.  Also it has been on how to make others happy through service.  How to balance family, friends, myself. 

If God has really given me this trial (He has) then maybe my focus could be more on why I am doing this every day.  Why am I trying to balance and live life to the fullest of my capabilities?

I just want to be happy.  I know that takes balance.  But mostly, I know it takes staying on the path.  And staying on the path leads me to what?

The love of God.

Maybe my focus should be feeling the love of God everyday. 

That is why I do this.  Why I begin each day with reading and studying the word of God.  Why I fall to my knees and pray.  Even when it feels routine, I know the promise connected to this commandment is feeling the love of God and  hearing His voice guide me in times of need.  Reading the scriptures helps me recognize the voice of the spirit.  That is why I do it.  I know there are other requirements and I strive to live up to them, this is just something I can do perfectly.  There aren't many commandments I can do perfectly;).

 I feel happy when I feel the love of God for me and for others.  It would be nice to just simplify my life down to that.  Pleasing Heavenly Father.  So in all of my sticking to a schedule and living my life fully for myself and family and all my other goals this week---  I think I will stop and pray more.  I will ask, "How wouldst though have me feel right now?"  And I will feel more peace and love and happiness if I remember to do that.  He is so loving.  Even with all of my mistakes, I have never asked that question and felt horrible.  Have you?  When I am not doing something quite right, he redirects me gently, but always I am filled with overwhelming peace and love.  I feel like my life just became simple as I thought of remembering why I do this.  Good.  Simple is very good lately.

Sometimes I Just Need to Breathe

Today was so fun.  I woke up feeling well enough to go to a yoga class at my gym.  It is always heaven when I can make it to Yoga.  The boys enjoy playing with friends while I take my class, so it is a double bonus.

The rest of the afternoon was typical, then I had a friend over for dinner-- both of us have our husband out of town so we thought it would be fun to get our kids together to play.  We had such a good time, but we ended up staying up later than we usually do. 

I found myself taking lots of deep breaths as I put the kids in bed.

Do you ever feel this way?  Like there are times when you just want your children to work as a group?  Bed time really is one of those times for me.  I need them to all be one big piece of clay, molding to my every desire.  I need to say, "Everyone kneel for prayers"  only once, and then have it happen.  I need to say, "Now everyone hop in bed to get tucked in,"  and then have it happen.  Kiss on the cheek, hugs, tucks, then I just want to turn on the primary music, turn out the lights, and walk out.  Done for the day!

But nope.  These are three very strong personalities I am dealing with here.  And if they don't feel they have expressed exactly how different they are during the day, they feel a deep need to get it expressed before I turn out that light.  I race to turn out that light.  The faster the better.  But they usually beat me to it with tears, tantrums, requests for drinks AfTeR I have already tucked them in, requests to each pick out their own book for a story time, each one wants cuddle time, and it had better be the exact same amount for each child, and they each want to be tucked in one million times.

Whew!

During all this madness, I noticed my middle sweet son seemed to have something bugging his little heart.  He is my sensitive one.  He has fairer skin and lighter eyes, and he has a very sweet heart that is easily injured.  I wondered about him.  Then I forgot about him as I finally finished the race and got that blessed light turned off.

I came to my room and finally got into comfy pajamas, and guess who I see peeking through my doorway?  Middle, sweet, fair eyed one. 

I was so sad to have my alone comfy pajama time interrupted that I instantly asked him (in not so sweet tones) to go back to bed for REALS.

I snuggled up in bed with junk food, turned on HGTV (husband out of town;), and slowly felt my knots releasing in my back. (YOGA)

And lo-- guess who showed back up, this time with tears on his little fair face, streaming right from those light green eyes?  The middle boy. 

Hmmm...

"You hurt my feelings..."  He said with trembling lip.

 I'll bet.

 "I don't know how to read and I need help finishing my book.."  tear... 

He's lucky he came after I had taken a breath and ate some junk food.  I am not a very good nighttime mommy.  Even on my best days the most I manage is an even toned voice.  But a miracle happened here.  I suddenly felt my heart opening to my fair child.  All I wanted to do was tell him to get a book and cuddle up with me on my beds while I read it to him. 

I did.  He did.  It was the sweetest moment of my day seeing his face light up my room with smiles.  It was so worth it. 

I thought about it after he left. 

I mean-- it was obviously a miracle.  My heart completely melted when I saw him.  I felt calmed and so wonderful as I loved on him.  I gave him exactly what he wanted and it actually turned out to be what we both needed.  I felt love and strength just pouring in to me so I could be there for my boy.

As I thought this moment in my life through, I felt like I could see that I had sacrificed some personal time and given it to my family.  It was a very small act, but it was very important to my five year old.

I feel like if I can do this every so often, perhaps I will continued to be inspired and strengthened to give what my children need in times of crisis. 

I keep feeling that everything will work out just fine during our trials, but I felt like I caught a glimpse of exactly how it will work out tonight.

I just need to keep making a special effort for my family.  Nothing huge.  I need to keep doing the little things that bring us closer together.  God will bless me with inspiration and patience as I do so.  And perhaps we will make it through with strengthened relationships and happy hearts at the end of each day.  And maybe my children will think back someday on how they grew up and the mother they had and they will have some special memories in their hearts of their mother loving them.

Start Moving

I was reading in the Ensign yesterday morning before I got ready for church.

There was this lovely article in July called "Start Moving"

I saw the title of this article and I didn't think it would apply to my challenges lately, but I love that Topic so I was intrigues anyways.  And what do you know?  It was just what I needed to hear.  I love the way that works.  God blesses me when I just try to study every day. 

There is this little article on the same page called, "By Small Means"

It is written about someone who is in college.  Not yet married.  No big responsibilities.  Finding extra time in their life to do some of their favorite things, like reading, even.

Now, I am NOT a college student ( I would love that though!)  and I have MaNy responsibilities.  I am married.  But I felt I could still relate with this person because I too have some free time on my hands lately.  My children are getting older and more independent.  I have to rest because of my health problems.  I love reading.  I felt some stirrings in my soul as I read this and felt I would really be able to relate to this article if I kept the spirit with me as I read.

This person wrote, "... I was not progressing.  I was not exercising my faith or being diligent in anything in my life.  I had stopped working toward a goal.  I was simply waiting for something to happen."

Now, I could relate to this in a way.  I had had so many impressions to slow down.  To allow my body to heal when it needed it.  To not have such high expectations of myself.  To relax. 

This is so against my nature that I pretty much felt I had to numb my brain and personality to achieve it.  I was relaxing.  I was reading.  But everyday I was going to bed wishing I had played with the children more. 

One day, I played for about five minutes with the kids.  It was a goofy little game I made up involving blocks and knocking them down with superhero action figures.  I really think it lasted five minutes before I felt I needed to lay down again.  That night, as I asked my boys what their favorite part of their day was, each of them said playing with me was it.

I went to bed with a few tears.  Wishing I could do more but just not knowing how to begin.  I didn't want to overdo it.  But mostly, I didn't want to underdo it.  Know what I mean?  I have felt lost in the mommy area. 

I kept reading the Ensign article.  He said many things that worked on my heart about just trying to improve in very small ways.  Moving forward, even it it was slow.  Just moving forward.  Then he said this,

"I made a special effort to be more involved in my ward, even if it meant sacrificing some personal time."

This is when I am most grateful for the spirit and the way God takes our efforts to study and makes sure we hear what WE need to hear to become more at peace and in harmony with His ways.

This is what I read to myself,

"I made a special effort to be more involved in my family-- even if it meant sacrificing some personal time."

That was it!  That was what I needed to do!  Not anything huge.  Not anything unmanageable.  Not anything that would sacrifice my precarious balance with my health.  Just sacrificing personal time.  So, say I am feeling well for a minute.  Say I have a book calling my name, or some laundry that needs to be a done.  A phone call I would love to make to a friend.  What if during those times I made, "A SPECIAL effort to be more involved in my family."?

And that is what I will do. 

I promised an update on letting others help me.

Yesterday I was released from a very beloved calling.  My favorite calling I have ever had.  It was really hard.  The bishop called me into his office, and desired to give me comforting counsel.  I let him.  I even tried to listen to his advice.  I was given many hugs.  I allowed a tear filled goodbye from a woman I worked with in my calling.  Instead of blocking these things out and dealing with the pain privately, I looked these lovely people in the eye.  I shared tears with them.  I thanked them for their kind words.  I hugged them.  I shook hands with them (if they were guys).  Really, I opened my heart and allowed them in.  I let them comfort me and tell me it would be okay.

I have to say.  I have never felt more loved by my Heavenly Father.  I felt a deep contentment way down to the souls of my feet.  The feeling still lingers today.

Revelation

I was reading "Mee Speaks"  by Mary Ellen Edmonds a few moments ago.  It is a little book I picked up at a Time Out For Women conference.

She has a chapter on Pride in this book-- DUH DUH DUH.....

In this chapter she placed one of my very favorite, personally most pondered quote,

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfullness, arrogance, or haughtiness.  All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.  The central feature of pride is enmity-- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.'  It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us... The proud wish God would agree with them.  They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's"

I began working backwards.

It would seem (from my recurring dreams and good advice from my WH and earthly father) that God's opinion for me is that I am a control freak.  Also, that I need to accept help during my tough trial I am going through.  I need to also be careful to never judge others, because I know how much it hurts me when I am judged wrongly.

I have really been interested in changing God's opinion!  I have really been fighting to NOT EVER change my opinion that accepting help is the Devil.  (It's my honest opinion so I can say it)

Satan is trying to rule over me with these prideful feelings.  (Shoot)

If pride is being in a  "state of opposition" to my fellow men as well-- well darn.  Many of my friends have been telling me to let them help me.  Asking if they can help me. 

Ummm... To put it lightly, I am in a state of opposition to that.

God has been sending me crazy dreams (I am vulnerable asleep.  I am relaxed and a bit less pig-headed.  So I get crazy dreams.  I am crazy dream lady.  I'm sure you are jealous) to let me know He would like me to let go a bit.   Just a bit.  Okay maybe a bunch.  And in my discussions with my WH and earthly father, I have seen that God would like it if I would just accept help already.

In my desire to sound clever and hilarious-- I am not getting to the meat of my experience this morning.  So I guess it is time to get serious.

What worries me the most about all of these epiphanies, is this,

"It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us..."

I have had dreams.  I have had good advice.  I have had friends support. 

And I have been in a state of opposition to all of these things.  Major opposition.

It wasn't until I read that quote a minute ago that I thought about those feelings and the actions I have been taking are P.R.I.D.E.

That got me thinking-- what if  I stopped fighting what I have felt God telling me?  What if I stopped being in opposition to him and my wonderful friends and family?

What is the worst that could happen?

Nothing bad would happen.  I just would be free.  Free from Satan's enslavement.

Those are some freaky thoughts.

I am going to continue pondering that today.  Maybe I will try it out.  Maybe my panic attack over this new thought (letting others take MY burden on THEM????  Not FAIR!)  will go away after a few YEARS.

I need to do some breathing.  And Yoga.

God is good and correct, always, but that knowlege isn't helping my current panick.  I will work on it and try it His way and get back to you though.

I am going to try letting others help me.  Man that sounds hard.

Wish me luck.  Or pray for me.  Prayer usually works better.