I see you

DESERET BOOKSTORE LINK TO SEE WHAT I MEAN


I was walking through the Deseret Bookstore at a Time Out for Women event this weekend.  If I ever want to feel super out of place I should definitely go for a walk in a Deseret Bookstore.  The book titles all seemed to have these rays of light attached to them that projected out like little sun rays up and out.  So positive.  So bright.  They seemed to be attracting my event goers like little butterflies finding the flower that fit them just right.

"See the good," These rays of light seemed to say.

"Here it is!"  They also seemed to say.

I think I needed some shades.

Did you know that I last posted on this blog over a year ago?  Can you believe that?  My heart says, "No. Way."  It just can't imagine me not writing for that long.

For the past year the road I have walked has been pretty shady.  Like, maybe it was actually night time shady.   And my eyes have adjusted to that night time and they were fine with that.  So put me in that book store with the sunlit titles and my eyes were a-hurtin.  Bad.  It hurt pretty bad.

I know what you are thinking.  "Why would you choose to walk such a path?  Seek out the sunlight UtterGirl!  Goodness.  The end.  You're depresssing."

Yeah me too.

Can we set that question aside for a moment?  Thanks.

So anyways, back to me needing shades.

I was walking and wincing (as you do when you need cute, hopefully designer sunglasses...) among the books because I needed air from the the also sun-shiny musical performer and there was literally no where else to walk and get air where I didn't look really suspicious with my little notebook and Time Out for Women tote.  (Why is that Time Out for Women go-er walking alone with a scowl on her face like she needs sunglasses?  Is she sick?  Is she depressed?  We should help her and lift her with sunshiney thoughts!  Oh dear.)

And you will roll your eyes maybe or laugh at me but all I could think about was this,

"We need a book about someone who is super good at seeing the dark.  Someone who says- I have a talent for seeing the dark.  Do you, too?  That's okay.  Some of us aren't good at seeing the darn good all the time.  Some of us are good at seeing what is wrong.  Very, very well.  And we are still functioning too."

Isn't that a weird thought?  I mean, here I was getting a weekend away (Hallelujah) and having actually a wonderful wonderful time and that was the thought I had.

I could not get that thought out of my head all the wonderful and glorious weekend.

"Someone needs to stand up and say this!"  Thought me.  "Someone needs to say-- Seeking out the light is so so hard and actually it hurts my eyes right now thankyouverymuch."

And I even took my awesome little notebook and I wrote this,

"To say I have SEEN.
To say I SEE.
I see BOTH.
Dark
and
Light"

I walked on a dark road at midnight this year.  I have seen this dark abyss.  I have journeyed down down where I didn't know a road existed.  But there actually is a road.  It travels deeper into the dark where I haven't gone yet, too.  It also travels back up.  I am confident in saying I have no idea if I am journeying up or down at the moment.  Sometimes I am convinced I am going up and it turns  out-- Oh no honey. And sometimes it really feels like I am going down, but what do you know- light. So you know.  Confident in my lack of confidence. Anyways.

Life is a journey.  I am on a journey.  And if you are better at seeking out the dark-  yeah me too.  But I have spent some time with both now.  And I can see the difference.  If I travel to lighter parts of life the road up is thankfully gradual.  My eyes will have the time they need to adjust.  There is no skipping the road.  I am also confident in that.  You don't get to skip to the light parts of your journey.


I see you there.  Standing in your shady corner in a room full of light.  It hurts your eyes too right now.  That's okay.  That is you right now.  There are good things about you and I shall list them for you to remember when it feels like book titles are a little glaring and well meaning friends bring you light filled statements and all you can think is,

"This. Really. Hurts. My. EYES."

Here is your awesome list.


You have no illusions about the dark not being real.  You don't surround yourself with light hoping the dark isn't real.  Oh, you know it is real and you know it has power.

The next time you find yourself in a light place, you therefore won't kid yourself about the dark being a childs nighmarish fairy tail.  And you will value that light place.  You will see it's parameters clearly and that will be a super power of yours.  Trust me.

The next time you are on a dark path you will be like- Oh I have lived here before.  It seems there was a road out.  I shall find it.  And you will have no fun illusions about it being a quick journey out.

You will clearly and unafraid...ly be able to see BOTH.  There is both light and dark and you will see both.

Some people are better at hanging in the sunlight and they can see both because of it.  You may be their opposite.  Same results.  There could be good in both people, yo.  Your journey is still awesome.

So the point to this list seems to really be that knowing misery really well will give you better parameters to know your bliss, your joy.  Just like knowing joy really well gives you parameters to know your misery.  There are both for a reason.


Love you guys.  This was a rambling post but I think I like it.  80% of rambling crap for 20% clarity. That seems to be my style.


And for more proof that I see the negative a bit too clearly click on these links to past posts about me talking about this topic just with other words...


http://utterit.blogspot.com/2014/03/i-am-here_30.html

http://utterit.blogspot.com/2012/02/joy-and-misery.html

I Am Here

http://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/new-testament/pool-of-bethesda-carl-bloch-83121-mobile.jpg


This is a painting of Christ at the pool of Bethesda by  Carl Heinrich Bloch (1834-1890)

I was holding a friend's baby out in the hall of my church as I listened to a church broadcast last night.  I stared at this painting hanging on a wall for a while.  Observe the followers behind Christ and where they are looking.  Observe everyone else in the painting and what they are looking at.  Observe Christ and his gesture and where he is looking.  His hand outstretched as though in invitation to everyone nearby to see that this man is here.

It is so hard to look straight on at things I don't understand.  It is so hard when there are so many different needs competing for my attention.  But here I have an example of a man who was helplessly waiting for his turn in this pool under a tent, and Christ illuminating him, gesturing as though inviting others to look and see.  He is here.  This man with this illness exists.  Observe him.  Look at him.  And eventually even, watch me make him complete/perfect because if you are with me I will do the same for you.

I am also here.  I am being diagnosed lately with possible Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe Borderline Personality Disorder.  Both things not just run of the supposed mill depression.  Am I hard to look at?  I am here.


I am reminded of the year and a half I studied quotes such as these;

"To deny the seriousness of our condition

and to avoid detection and the consequences of

our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors.

We did not realize that by deceiving others and

ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions."  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng

"When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy,

hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened

spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound

ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong

as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when

we were brought face to face with reality. We could no

longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by

saying, 'It’s not that bad!'" http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng


These are quotes from the first step in the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual.  I put myself in this program for a year and a half and I did this step three times before it sunk in and I felt I could really move on to the next step or two (again).  That was when I really started talking.  To anyone.  To everyone.  I would tell them I was in the program and what for and what step I was on.  And now here I am on my blog and saying I Am Here.  I know I'm not alone.  I just wanted you to know that if you are having ideas in your head that perhaps you are also alone, I Am Here.

Christ would love to illuminate you because you are still good.  You are still as capable as when you didn't have a label.  You have more compassion and empathy.  It is not shaming to admit you have something others may or may not have.  Take it from me.  Christ wants everyone to know they are not alone and that they exist in all their imperfect glory.  You are here.  Observe.  I am here.  Observe.  Awareness will save us all.  My husband read to me this quote yesterday morning.

"The Apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have “compassion one of another.” ¹ In that spirit I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime. We sense the complexity of such matters when we hear professionals speak of neuroses and psychoses, of genetic predispositions and chromosome defects, of bipolarity, paranoia, and schizophrenia. However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


Shame in acknowledging, secrecy, minimizing, hiding can = binding myself with cords.  Honesty, openness, bravery, courage, acknowledgement, admitting can = freedom.  


One more thing.  I read books on psychology that are written by the foremost leaders on the subject too.  Some people will ridicule or feel fear of this because it is not "doctrine".  I am confident in my ability to discern by the spirit what the best books are. Until I get members of my church who are the foremost leaders on the subject of psychology- I will continue to read the best books I can find.  

"118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.  https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/88.118?lang=eng"

My husband points out this quote as well,

"If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


That is all.  I bear testimony that God loves you as you are.  He will show you the way to be who you are and be awesome at the same time.  He will show you the ways you already are doing it every day.  He will show you that you are and you are perfect with Him.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  If I don't, trust me, neither do you.  I am beginning to be proud of all of my parts and pieces.  I can do more good when I am manic and I can take a nap to recover when I am depressive.  I can take the middle road when I am "normal."  All of this can be done with God.  He makes me a shining beacon no matter what is going on with my body.  He makes sure that if I am connected to him, I do good as I am.  I am here and I am good. I have nothing to feel shame for, no matter what others may feel about what I am. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen





http://www.carlbloch.com/php/artwork.php?artwork=711

Integrity

I figured out something and I am excited about it.  I am also a little sad.  So many years wasted not having a firm grip on this one thing.  Anyways.   Can't go back.

So.  Where to begin?  I was thinking about my own identity and what I anchor my identity in.  I think we all do it.  Like- "I am super clean person.  People know I am super clean and that makes me feel good."  Or, "I am service super woman.  I can spot a need a mile away and I can always find a way to fill that need."  Or, "I am patient-know-my-kids-always-have-enough-energy-to-play-an-educational-game-mom.  Everyone knows this about my identity and I connect to others who have this same super power." or, "I am holistic mom.  I cook all of our food, we shall never touch our lips with processed anything and we have no need to see a doctor because of my endless knowledge of herbs and essential oils.  I connect and have friendships with other moms like me."  Or, "I am skinny mom.  I not only work out and eat healthy, I teach others how to do so three times a day during my ballet-pilates class!  I am so so fit and I connect with people who are like me."  Or my personal favorite, "I am spiritual mom!  I wake an hour before my hour workout which is an hour before my kids wake up (did you follow that? did I?) and I read my scriptures.  Then I meditate and write in a journal.  I am always ready with spiritual wells of spirituality because of this.  People who know this about me and if they still want to be my friend are probably this way too.  How joyful and spiritual"

Over the past few years, the reason I think my world was so rocked by getting sick was because I was anchoring my identity in all of these things.  These things were who I was trying to project and be.  I thought that the reason my friends were friends with me and thought I was a valuable person was because of these things.  I thought they were what made me a good person.  I thought they were what made me a respectable person. I thought it was why people would hang out with me.  I thought it was why my kids loved me.  I thought it was what made my husband value me.  It was what brought me inner peace.  All of these things were where I anchored my identity.

Well shoot people.  I got sick and didn't do any of those things well for like three years.

 Oh I would try.  But I would sort of half-way suck half of the time. Oh the shame I would feel.  Oh the way I couldn't look into peoples eyes any more because I yelled, (yelled!) at my kids instead of calmly explaining with an educational game and possibly a primary song based family home evening. Oh how I cringed to be seen (SEEN!) after gaining around 30-ish pounds and not teaching a single pilates-ballet class attended by 30 people.  And I remember lots and lots of frozen pizza.  (Holistic mom shudder).  I would see a need and just sort of sleep all day.  I had nary a spiritual thought provoking study time.  How could I go out and let people see me like this?  I was a bad, bad, person and sometimes I even swore.  I didn't want anyone to see me like this.  No one would love me anymore for certain.  My anchor ropes were all cut and I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't think anyone else would care for who I was.

Is that a dramatic enough explanation?

Yes?  Let's move on then.

I have posted many posts and if you have read them perhaps you can see that I have slowly been moving beyond these stupid as hell anchors and I am finding wells of personal identity in things more stable.  Yay me.  I was seriously hanging on to a few cut ropes very lovingly with my chapped and sore hands though. 

So I called a friend and had a frank discussion about what I felt I was anchoring my identity in and how dumb it was that I didn't want anyone to see me anymore because I couldn't stop feeling ashamed that I wasn't all of the things named above.

And then I had the thought of all thoughts people.  And it has brought me so much darn peace.  My gorgeous friend said,

"You know what?  It comes down to this.  We all know inside ourselves what is best for us."

And then I said,

"Yes.  It comes down to integrity, really.  If we have integrity, we are going to do what is right for us, no matter how it looks to other people, no matter if we are judged harshly for it, no matter if we lose friends.  And the friends we will have will stay because they are attracted to our strength of integrity.  They respect that we will always to what is right for us no matter what it may look like to other people.  They will respect that what is right for us is subject to change.  On a daily basis. We must take care of ourselves."


And that, my friends, is what I figured out.  We each do what we feel is right for us, and what is right for us is so damn fluid.  If I anchor myself on what is right at the time, I will feel so bad when what is right changes.  But if I anchor myself on the fact that I am proud that I am doing what is right for me today, I will always be able to look you straight in the eye.  No matter that we have different things that are right for us.  No matter.  I won't judge you for knowing and doing what is right for you.  And we will only be friends if you know the same thing about me. 

The world is a beautiful place my friends.  Have peace that deep down you know what you need for you.  Strive to do that and have peace.

I love all those "moms" I described up there.  I also love what I can be day today.  I am proud.  I have peace.  For now.  Until the next post and I tell you about another tumultuous time in my life and what thought I had that brought me peace:).

shake it out

in a moment to myself i turned on florence and the machine.  i turned it way up.  i danced a little, not gonna lie.  you know, this post is about being sick.  or tired.  or not enough.  those moments you want to curl up in a ball and give up.  sometimes you have to turn up the music loud and shake it out.  shake it out where no one else is watching until you feel better again. feel all of the emotions you keep at bay during the daily grind.  when did life become a daily grind anyway?  who says it has to stay that way? Shake it out. live.  choose to live today the way you want.  no more daily grind.  shake it out, dance it out.  live your life again.  this song is about redemption moments.  it is about realizing i am just as human as anyone.  i just am. i refuse to judge myself any longer.  i refuse to pretend i am anything more than i am. can you see me dancing it out like a nerd?  good.  smile about that today.

if you are feeling mentally like there is a devil on your back and you are going back and forth and nothing you do is right anyway, put this song on loud and dance for me. 


Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

-Florence and the Machine  "shake it out"

Joy and Misery

I remember a seminary class I attended in the 11th grade where the teacher had written on the board,

"Why Suffer?"

He then taught a class about all the reasons he had uncovered for human suffering.  I am grateful for that class because I think it taught me that suffering is going to happen, and too not get to hung up on the whole, "WHY??????" mentality;). 

I think it is good to wonder why to a point, but I also feel that we aren't always given answers.  It is a part of life that we are to struggle against all odds.  It gives excitement to our overall story.  Who wants to pass down a story to their grand kids about how well they did because everything was so easy?  No no-- we want to be legendary.  We want to have something to say about how we were strong, intelligent beings who molded-- with difficulty--- their life until it was shaped into something worth reading about.  I want my life to be gorgeous because I made it that way, not because that is how it was handed to me.

But-  I am off the original topic.

Last month I came across something in my scripture reading that I hadn't thought about before.  I believe it answers the , "Why Suffer?"  question a bit.  Even though I write about wanting to be able to hand down a glorious story to my grandchildren, it is still difficult to hang on to such a romantic mentality when in the depths of crappy misery.  Oh is it hard.  It is good during these times especially to be reminded why we struggle on to wrestle life into what we want it to be.

So if you are trudging on every day, just glad to be able to put one torturous foot in front of the other, barely hanging on with your chipped fingernails-- perhaps this one is for you. 

Have you ever read The Count of Monte Cristo?

(SPOILER ALERT!  If you haven't read this novel, there are spoilers in this next paragraph)

Well, you should if ya haven't.  I loved it, yet there was a part that sincerely bothered me after I read it.  During the novel the "count" feels he is blessed with resources that grant him the ability to act in Gods name for revenge on those who ruined his life.  That part was interesting enough.  He also felt it in his power to reward those he admired and who tried to help him in his life.  So he did so.  There was one Character in particular who he felt deep love and friendship towards.  So he set about making this man miserable.  He lets this man think his true love was dead.  He let this man eventually "kill" himself because he was so miserable over it, but she wasn't really dead and he wasn't really killing himself.  When the man woke up again after attempting suicide, he was in his loves arms.   The friend was given a letter from the Count explaining that since he loved his friend so well, he wanted him to be truly happy.  The Count tells his friend that he knows deep and true happiness is never achieved until you have felt total misery.  Oh yes.  When I finished reading that portion of the novel and after I had closed my shocked mouth,  I felt indignation at the Count's treatment of one he professed to love so well.

A few weeks later I was reading in the Book Of Mormon, 2 Nephi chapter two verse 23

The verse is talking about Adam and Eve and how if they had remained in the Garden of Eden they would have,

"remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery..."

I read and re-read this scripture.  I was already thinking about this topic because of the novel I had recently finished, so it was so surprising to run across what looked like the exact same view point as the novel I had been reading-- yet it was there in my scriptures!

Perhaps if we never experience misery-- And I mean MISERY.  That is the word used.  MISERY.  Duh duh DUHHHHH.....

Perhaps if we never experience misery, we will never know joy.  If men are that they might have joy, well-- they also are that might have misery, or they will never have joy.

In a dark hour, I read that novel, then I read that scripture, and I knew I was experiencing muddy ugly misery.  I also remembered that it was only so that I could understand joy once it was in front of me.  It reminded to me start shaping my life work with that muddy misery, so that when my grandchildren learn about me someday, they will see that I shaped my muddy misery time with care and I came through with an awesome sculpture.  They can know that I experienced true joy and I was able to recognize it.  They will say-- I hope that I can experience Joy too, and they will know that if they are to do that, they will have to have misery as well, so they won't be afraid of it so much when it comes.  They will be able to take misery more in stride, knowing life comes with both it and joy, and they should be glad because it is either both or nothing.

If I could go back and choose, I would choose both. 

(You are thinking... what is she looking at.....?)

I am sitting up in my bed with my laptop on my... lap (whatdoyouknow) and I am considering the mound of starburst wrappers that have piled up on the end table next to me.

This little guy told me that he wanted to play baseball yesterday.  Little did I know that what he meant was he wanted me to blow up one long balloon and four little round balloons and then play with those.  I love having a four year old.

Action shot!

I was in charge of throwing the balloons at him.  Have you ever tried to throw a balloon to a certain spot?  It's hard.

Real life shot!

So if you were wishing to only read blogs from people who do their children's hair before taking pictures, and who also always have wonderfully clean and organized houses in the back ground, I'm sorry you are reading my blog right now.

Here we are in the office where the balloon making was happening.

I love this kid so much.  How did I ever get so lucky?  We hang out every day, just thinking about what we can get into next.  Today Jackson painted stickers of snowmen.  I thought that was pretty weird but he thought it was the coolest thing ever.  I spent an hour on the treadmill and he spent an hour running in between the kitchen and the office alternately painting and showing me what he had done.

I have been thinking about my health lately. Four weeks ago my doctor put me on a new medicine and weaned me off most of my other meds based on the diagnosis I received at the Mayo Clinic and I am feeling better.  I occasionally have a few of my old symptoms come up-- like today my stomach and joints were hurting a little bit and I have been tired the past few days, but nothing like what it was.   I really feel so good.  I have been able to accomplish the things I wanted to do and I have been so grateful for my healthy body the past two weeks.  What a remarkable blessing a healthy body is.  I feel liberated.  I have had the most fun playing with my kids though.  We play Just Dance on the Xbox.  My four year old makes me pretend to be the yellow ranger (cause she's a girl).  We make cookies, play with playdough, and make crafts.  The house is relatively clean.  I make dinner.  It is really weird.  For almost a year those types of things were sporadic to non-existent.  I am a lucky girl.

Speaking of making dinner.

Want some?

Recipe found HERE.

Hope

So I have written about how I was a relatively healthy woman, able to do most of the tasks I wanted. I could take care of our children and home and my calling with ease. 

Then I became sick with a mystery sickness no doctor in my area could cure.  I was in bed most days and in pain.  I won't go into more detail.  It could be worse, right?  I remember that.

Well, I felt like finding out what was wrong with me, and when we had exhausted our resources of doctors in this area, I had the distinct feeling that it would be good to try to get into The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  I had my family doctor make an appointment.

I wanted to go to Mayo because I felt there are good doctors who work together in a different way than any other places I had been.  They have access to research and specialists who all work together to help me get better.  I have had friends go to Mayo and get treatment they did not get anywhere else.  Treatment that saved their lives.


Also, it felt right.  When I thought about trying to get into Mayo, it was the first time I felt like I was going the right direction.  I felt in my core that my Heavenly Father wanted me to go there.

My first appointment was December 1st and we are still here, staying in a hotel, while I complete all of my appointment.s

What I really want to write about is hope, though. 

I learned a thing or two about hope going to local doctors around my home.  I would go to my first appointment with a specialist, tell them my symptoms, they would tell me the possible diagnosis and schedule tests.  I would begin to hope.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop myself.  I would hope that this would be the time we would figure out what was bothering my body, we would treat it, and I would get better.  I would have visions of who I used to be and get excited to see her back again.

Then, when the tests came back I would go for a followup appointment.  The specialist would look at the results and say they didn't find anything.  Then he would look at me and say, "I'm sorry.  I don't know what is causing your symptoms."  He would send me away.  I would sit in my car and cry in disappointment.  Then I would try to remember how it could be worse.  It wasn't the end of the world.  And I would try to heal my heart with these thoughts.  I would recall all my blessings, because there are many.  I would feel ashamed that I forgot them.  After my tears were dry, I would drive home, resolving that I would try to not hope at my next appointment unless there was a reason.

So now here I am at Mayo, and I have seen a general internist who scheduled many tests for me.  After the test results are back I will meet with specialists here.

This is not a cheap trip, but I am willing to pay for answers that I haven't been able to find on my own.

I keep feeling guilty because I have the recurring thought, "What if it isn't worth it?  What if they don't find anything here either and I go home empty handed?  That would be an expensive mistake."

This morning I asked my sweet husband to turn off the TV for half an hour in our hotel room so I could read my scriptures.  I needed some quiet.  I need it every day, you know?  I opened my scriptures and I felt so empty, like I was just reading words on a page.

I have learned that when I am having a hard time feeling the spirit as I read my scriptures that it is good to try to come up with a question I would like answered.  Not just any trivial question if I really want to feel closer to my Heavenly Father, but the most burning question I have.  The question that has been occurring the most often and has been, deep down, causing me the most anxiety in my alone hours.

I was ashamed of my question so I almost didn't ask it, but I have learned to just ask because the results are always good when I am brave enough to just be honest with my God.

I wrote in my little notebook I like to always keep with me,

"Are we here at Mayo for a reason???"

In my mind I thought about all my other questions, "Is the money spent going to be worth it?  Am I wasting our time?  Will we get answers?"

Then I opened my scriptures and began to read where I have a marker in the Book of Mormon.

I am reading in 2Nephi lately, I am in chapter 10.  As I read I began to quiet my mind.  I pushed out all my doubts and worries and just tried to be quiet, another thing I have learned is useful when seeking to feel closer to God.

Then I came to verse 10.  At the end of the verse it says this,

"..For he has spoken it, and who can dispute?"

A thought came to my mind,

"Where is your faith?"

I thought about all the times I had felt so good about coming here.  I know who gave me those feelings after I had studied it out and decided it was a good thing to do.  I am supposed to be here. 

That makes this time different.  I have faith in those experiences with my God. 

So I can hope.

That is why the order is faith then hope.

I can hope this time because I have faith we are here for a reason.

I learned about why it goes in that order this morning.

If I have faith that God told me it would be good to be here, then this time, it is also okay to hope.  I just need to have faith.

I hope you followed that.  I feel a bit out of practice!

Can't Sleep... Must Write

(picture source)

I was writing in this very book last Sunday.  I like to keep a pretty blank journal with me, of a smaller size so I can tuck it into my purse and jot down any spiritual impressions I receive.  I find that it is comforting and enlightening to go back and review what I have written.  I often forget the little things the spirit whispers to me if it isn't life altering or shattering.

As I reviewed my notes from church last Sunday, I came across a thought I had jotted down and I would like to explore it right now.

The instructor of the class I was in must have said this,

"The Atonement brings healing."

Under this quote I wrote,

"Physical too?  Do I need physical if I am healed emotionally?"

Growing up I was told over and over again, "Remember who you are."

Over the years I have come to think that means to remember that God created me, just as I am, and He doesn't make mistakes.  So I should accept myself as well as God accepts me.  Completely.

Lately it has been difficult for me to accept that I am limited and sick over half of the time. I don't like it.

My first thought after the instructor talked of healing was of physical healing.  Was it possible for the Atonement to help me physically.

But I thought about how I have been taught to accept myself the way God made me.

If I could tap into the Atonement and be healed of all negative thoughts about my limitations, would I even need to be healed physically?

If I was just okay with myself sick as I am well-- what would be the problem here? 

Not that it would stop being difficult.

Not that my family wouldn't sometimes have challenges it wouldn't have if I was well. 

Not that my friends would suddenly stop having to help me on short notice when I get sick.  (and they don't have to, they just want to.  Unfathomable)

But I just would stop fighting these consequences.  I would accept it as well as I ever accepted being well, because I would know God made me this way .  Whatever challenges I, my family, and my friends have because of it, are all needed.  So there is no reason to worry or stress.

Can the atonement help me this way?  Oh yes, I am thinking it could.

Will I let it?

Simplifying and I Don't Get Along

So last Sunday and Monday I attempted to take my life and reorganize it onto paper.  I thought to myself-- if I stick to this paper, I can balance.  I also thought, if I remember God, it may even feel good.

First the good moments--

In moments of good pondering and remembering God, and also talking with stellar friends I felt like life is good.

I am always trying to say this, but it hasn't come out this way.

Life isn't perfect, but it is oh so good.  I am really, truly happy.  I have my reasons, all of which may or may not be boring to you.  I am going to list the things that make my soul sing.

My. Husband.  Rocks.  He is there for me.  He is righteous.  His heart is HUGE.  He listens.  He laughs.  He watches all my favorite shows with me.  He loves me.  I love him.

I have amazing friends, and between all of them-- I can bare my soul in chat, I can inflict my kids on them with hardly any notice if I am not feeling well, I can make them let me borrow their kids so my children can have some fun times at our house, I can laugh and have girl nights or shop shop shop.  I haven't always had that and I know what it does for me.

I have soft, cuddly children who smile and have eyes that light up in special ways only for me.  That makes my heart full to bursting!

I have a body that can still cook up some rockin food, and I sure do love rockin food. Oh yes.

I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I have a charmed life.  It is absolutely wonderful.

Not perfect-- and I deal with some of the not perfect things on this blog. But wonderful. Truly wonderful.

So this week I found myself expressing some of these good things to myself and others and that was fun!

Now--  For the bad.

I am not very good at obeying a schedule.  Nope.  But I did my best.  I brought my children each afternoon to a friends house, and most days I came home and took a nice nap.  But two of the days I had unavoidable doctor appointments during "nap time".  Also, I found myself feeling like a failure if I had sick mornings that sucked away the precious hours of awake time with time spent... I will spare you the gory details, but I was sick every morning this week except yesterday.  We missed a dentist appointment for all three boys.  Bummer.  I would watch the clock inching towards "nap time" and I would feel like a failure for not doing the things on my list which really needed to be done.

So, I need to remember flexibility and forgiveness for myself.  I am not who I want to be.  I do not accomplish all I want to accomplish.  My house is currently not clean.  My floors are a mess.  (I hate mess on my floors). 

But--  We had a really good dinner last night.  We also had a really tasty dessert that my boys have been eating and loving the past few days.  I had a girls night this past week.  My boys enjoyed one of the last weeks of summer because of playing and swimming with friends every afternoon this week.  I laughed and talked with my husband after the kids were in bed many nights this week because I was rested from the breaks I had from the kids every day.  Life is so good.  Why should I complain about my imperfections when life is so good?  Why should I ever be hard on myself for things out of my control when I am doing my absolute best?  Another good thing that came out of this week is I can look back and know I gave my absolute best.  I was watching the clock.  I worked when I was well enough.  I tried to rest during resting times.  I gave life my all this week. 

What more can I ask of myself?

The mission this week-- forgive and forget.

I have a few other thoughts too.  Another post for another day.

Put First What's First?

I was thinking about naming this post "How much space is there?"  but then I felt strongly impressed to take down notes and explore feelings I have had lately about how to walk the line between taking care of myself mentally and physically while also giving my all to the other things in my life that I love.  This is a balance I wasn't good at before I became sick as well. 

So walk with me, even if you are not physically sick.

Here is the story of my last week;

I didn't feel well.  I slept a bunch.  I had friends who want to support me come and pick up my children while I took long rests each afternoon. 

That sucks.  But I learned a great lesson I will tell you about in another post some day soon.

Friday rolled around and I decided it was time to try getting out of bed.  We went visiting teaching.  That felt good.  We went to the splash park and that felt good as well.  We picked up all the toys in the playroom and I detailed the kitchen.  That felt FaNtAsTiC!  SOOOOOOO  fantastic!  I took a nap instead of making dinner.  We picked up pizza then went to a ward activity at the park where we watched Tangled until 10:30 as a family.  That felt even better than cleaning!  It was so nice to have fun with my precious family!  Friday was tiring, but I had kept SoMe balance in that nap. 

Saturday is when it all went wrong.  Friday felt so wonderful getting back into the swing of things, so I thought that Saturday would be even better!  No nap!  No sleeping in!  Just energetic happenings all the day!   It would be FaNtAsTiC!!!  It was, until I began with the dry heaves. 

The day had a lot to do with the Farmers Market in my city, processing 10-ish pounds of tomatoes and roasting them into a sauce  (and there are ten more glorious pounds!;), taking the family to a water park for 3 hours, finishing processing said tomatoes and sauce, getting ready for a date with the husband, picking up a babysitter, and going on a date until 10:30 at night.  It was all great until about halfway through the movie and my head began to hurt "a bit".  As the pain in my head slowly increased, so did the pain in the rest of my body until I was sure I was going to lose my dinner  (not dinner!  I finally tried 5 Guys!  Not 5 Guys!  Don't lose that!)  We made it home but I only made it to the garbage can in the garage. 

I didn't take the babysitter home.  Wonderful Husband did.  I spent the next hour making friends with the commode (doesn't commode sound less offensive than other words?  No?  Well shoot...)

I woke up this morning not much better.

Resting gives me time to reflect though.

Yesterday I was trying to ressurrect the girl I used to be.  But like my dad says, there is no going back and that should be a good thing-- so lets all try to learn something shall we?

It would appear that sleeping in a nap are a must for the latest version of my body.  But what about working out?  Mowing the lawn? Cleaning? Water parks?  Cooking?  Service?  Dates (late night ones appear to be out of the question)? Weeding and watering the garden?  Playing with the boys?  Going out with friends?  Crafts?  The list goes on and you may insert whatever activities make you smile. 

The question that gets to me lately is, "How much and how tired am I allowed to make myself doing them?"  Doing too much I guess is bad.  But it is my firm belief that doing too little is worse.  Much worse.  My very self worth is derived from my daily accomplishments-- not compared to anyone else's daily accomplishments-- but compared with what I had energy and ability for.  If I do less than what I am capable of, I cannot look myself in the eye.  I cannot look you in the eye.  I certainly cannot look my beautiful children in the eye. 

I walk a line every day of physical and mental wellness between doing too much and doing too little.  I don't think it is just me walking this line.  I think it is a line everyone walks.  I think it is a line I walked before it was made obvious by health issues-- I just often ignored the fact that I was often falling off of it into the "doing too much" category, resulting in an exhausted mind and body which was unable to cope with what was important because of it.

So now that my physical limitations are closely mirroring my mental limitations, I am forced to examine how to do better.

Here is how I have begun to do that.

I sat down (I have sat all morning-- resting!)  I grabbed my journal and a pen, and I marked down when I need to rest for sure to keep my health up to par.  Well, the latest par.  My par is low.

I need to sleep in, so I marked down the time I wake up.

I need to take a nap (gah!  Nap!  Who has TIME for that?), so I marked down the exact hours I usually do that.

Do you know what I saw??

MANY hours in between all of that!  Many!  My life isn't over after all!  Yesssss.... I assumed a daily nap was a DEATH SENTENCE!!!!  But not true at all!

This week, I am going to try to fill those hours which are left to the capacity with things I want to do.  I am going to give those hours my all.  I am going to live my life. 

My rule is this-- I may do what I desire, but I may not let my desires interfere with sleeping in and nap time (Ha-- I am like a baby!)  and that is it.

No exceptions. 

I am going to try this for a week and see how it goes.  Then, I will adjust my intensity if it proves to be too much on my health.

I am so excited to live this week!  Aren't you?

If you were to take good care of your mental and physical health this week--  what would you do differently?  What if you penned in your physical and emotional needs first and planned your other wants and needs around it?  Would the world fall apart?  I'll let you know how it goes for me.  I hope you try it too. 

If I were to look you in the eye right now, I would encourage you to sleep if you need sleep.  I would encourage you to rest and read a book if you need to rest and read a book.  I would encourage you to have a date with your husband.  I would encourage you to take a few hours for your favorite hobby. I would encourage you to have a night with your friends.  If I were your doctor I would order you to do it.  I would say, "Do these things first, and mold your other many responsibilities around this." 

Why is it so easy to care for others and so impossibly difficult to do it for myself?

Don't.  Know.

I plan on going full throttle during the many free hours I saw.  I made a list I titled, "My All"  and I listed under the things I will give my all during the many hours I have in between taking care of my body by resting.  I listed things like;

Working out
Playing with the boys
cooking
swimming
dates
other outings
service
Visiting Teaching
shopping for groceries
teaching
crafts
mowing the lawn
home improvements
weeding and watering the lawn and garden

I won't have time for every single one of these things every day.  But if I live my hours that I do have, I will have time to do many of them well and happily.   I repeat

I will have time to do many of them well and happily.

Life isn't over.  It is just changed.  It can still be good.  I just can't do every good thing all in one day.

I think you want to hear about ALLLLLL of my dreams

Sheesh.  Another dream?  Well, okay.

I am just going to jump into it.

It was of course very weird.

For one, I was playing softball.  Yeah.  That's never going to happen in real life.

For two, I only knew two people I was playing with.  My dad was there.  My wonderful husband  was there.  And then there were all these random young kids.

Yep.  Me against the kids.  You know.

Anyways, I was watching other players on my team come up to bat and get on base.  The bases were loaded.  Our team hadn't scored any runs.  Then, someone gets up to bat and hits a homer.  But not one person remembers to run.  They are all looking elsewhere and just generally not paying attention.  So we lose our opportunity to score.  In the dream, I was so disappointed.  I found myself yelling out- "Run!"  in a very impatient and frustrated manner.  I was extremely irritated with all the slackers.  ;).

Eventually the dream cuts to me getting on base myself with the bases loaded. 

And guess what happened?  (I am sensing a THEME)  I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion.  I laid my head right down on that base and couldn't get up because I just so tired.  Then, lo and behold, someone hits a homer, and all I do is lay there.  I couldn't get up.  (Just like so many mornings in my pitiful real life)

And then-- you'll never guess.

The rest of my tiny team mates started yelling at me to run.  But I just couldn't.







A few days after this dream I was thinking.  It was Sunday.  I arrived at church late.  But I was there.  My wonderful husband and I have discussed how it seems I am well for more hours of the day when I sleep in.  I slept in, and my family drove on without me to be on time and I came late in a separate car.  (Next time I will wake up half an hour earlier...)  So anyways.  I got to church and saw another church member arriving at the same time. 

My thought when I saw him was, "Why is he late?  I mean, what's so hard about arriving on time??"
Ha-- wow. 

I remembered my dream suddenly and felt so dumb.

Okay-- after thinking of my dream for a few days, I saw that it would be good for me to think about the way I react to decisions other people make.  Yes, the kids were not thinking about the game, so we didn't score any runs.  Yes, I was too tired and worn down to get up and run.

But I really didn't want people to judge me.  They didn't really know my situation just like I didn't know theirs. 

It made me think about how I should never judge another person harshly.  I don't know what they are going through just like they don't know what I am going through. 

I need to remember how I would just want someone to treat me with kindness.  To not make me feel badly.  To not make me feel stupid or worthless because of they way my actions affected others. 

So on Sunday, I saw how the way I react and judge others can affect their feelings.  And I don't ever want to make someone feel worthless or sad or judged ever again.  It doesn't matter why that guy was late.  I was late too.  Can't we all just get along?  Can't we all just love each other?

What I am really saying is---

Can't I just love others?  Can't I just treat others the way I want to be treated?

This sickness is teaching me a lot. 



yay.