I Am Here

http://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/new-testament/pool-of-bethesda-carl-bloch-83121-mobile.jpg


This is a painting of Christ at the pool of Bethesda by  Carl Heinrich Bloch (1834-1890)

I was holding a friend's baby out in the hall of my church as I listened to a church broadcast last night.  I stared at this painting hanging on a wall for a while.  Observe the followers behind Christ and where they are looking.  Observe everyone else in the painting and what they are looking at.  Observe Christ and his gesture and where he is looking.  His hand outstretched as though in invitation to everyone nearby to see that this man is here.

It is so hard to look straight on at things I don't understand.  It is so hard when there are so many different needs competing for my attention.  But here I have an example of a man who was helplessly waiting for his turn in this pool under a tent, and Christ illuminating him, gesturing as though inviting others to look and see.  He is here.  This man with this illness exists.  Observe him.  Look at him.  And eventually even, watch me make him complete/perfect because if you are with me I will do the same for you.

I am also here.  I am being diagnosed lately with possible Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe Borderline Personality Disorder.  Both things not just run of the supposed mill depression.  Am I hard to look at?  I am here.


I am reminded of the year and a half I studied quotes such as these;

"To deny the seriousness of our condition

and to avoid detection and the consequences of

our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors.

We did not realize that by deceiving others and

ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions."  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng

"When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy,

hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened

spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound

ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong

as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when

we were brought face to face with reality. We could no

longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by

saying, 'It’s not that bad!'" http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng


These are quotes from the first step in the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual.  I put myself in this program for a year and a half and I did this step three times before it sunk in and I felt I could really move on to the next step or two (again).  That was when I really started talking.  To anyone.  To everyone.  I would tell them I was in the program and what for and what step I was on.  And now here I am on my blog and saying I Am Here.  I know I'm not alone.  I just wanted you to know that if you are having ideas in your head that perhaps you are also alone, I Am Here.

Christ would love to illuminate you because you are still good.  You are still as capable as when you didn't have a label.  You have more compassion and empathy.  It is not shaming to admit you have something others may or may not have.  Take it from me.  Christ wants everyone to know they are not alone and that they exist in all their imperfect glory.  You are here.  Observe.  I am here.  Observe.  Awareness will save us all.  My husband read to me this quote yesterday morning.

"The Apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have “compassion one of another.” ¹ In that spirit I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime. We sense the complexity of such matters when we hear professionals speak of neuroses and psychoses, of genetic predispositions and chromosome defects, of bipolarity, paranoia, and schizophrenia. However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


Shame in acknowledging, secrecy, minimizing, hiding can = binding myself with cords.  Honesty, openness, bravery, courage, acknowledgement, admitting can = freedom.  


One more thing.  I read books on psychology that are written by the foremost leaders on the subject too.  Some people will ridicule or feel fear of this because it is not "doctrine".  I am confident in my ability to discern by the spirit what the best books are. Until I get members of my church who are the foremost leaders on the subject of psychology- I will continue to read the best books I can find.  

"118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.  https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/88.118?lang=eng"

My husband points out this quote as well,

"If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


That is all.  I bear testimony that God loves you as you are.  He will show you the way to be who you are and be awesome at the same time.  He will show you the ways you already are doing it every day.  He will show you that you are and you are perfect with Him.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  If I don't, trust me, neither do you.  I am beginning to be proud of all of my parts and pieces.  I can do more good when I am manic and I can take a nap to recover when I am depressive.  I can take the middle road when I am "normal."  All of this can be done with God.  He makes me a shining beacon no matter what is going on with my body.  He makes sure that if I am connected to him, I do good as I am.  I am here and I am good. I have nothing to feel shame for, no matter what others may feel about what I am. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen





http://www.carlbloch.com/php/artwork.php?artwork=711

No Regrets

I keep thinking about my first post.

How much should I explain?

How much detail do I need?

But seriously, I think I should just write as I have always written, and hope people understand. 

I'm sure this will be easier once I just start, and then maybe explanations will come with less difficulty later.

So here I go--- my first post.

Lets hope it isn't lame.

I am going to go through the entire 12 steps of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program-- again. (click on that line to be taken there)

I have done it once before, for my body image issues.

And I must say-- it helped immensely.  I am a different girl because of it.

But this time, I want to do it for anger.  I don't know if you know what it is like to have a horrible temper.  To be a person who is generally fun and easy to get along with.  That is, until something doesn't go your way.  My dad says that ever since I was about 11, I would have this switch.  And once my switch flipped, I was a different person.    He didn't tell me this until a few weeks ago.

I recently read "Little Women."  I can't believe I hadn't read it yet!  It was an awesome book.  Because the women in it are sweet, and quaint, and lovely, but not because they were born that way.  It is because they strove to be that way in their youth, resulting in lovely women as adults.  It was fascinating for me.

Jo, one of the little women, has anger issues.  Imagine that?  The way she describes her anger issues is the same way I would describe mine!  How wonderful, how relieving!  I am not the only one! Here is an excerpt from the lovely novel.  My favorite part.  Life changing, it is.

"You don't know, you can't guess how bad it is!  It seems as if I could do anything when I'm in a passion.  I get so savage, I could hurt anyone and enjoy it.  I'm afraid I shall do something dreadful some day, and  spoil my life, and make everybody hate me.  Oh, Mother, Help me, do help me!"

Then her mother does help her,

"I will my child, I will.  Don't cry so bitterly, but remember this day, and resolve with all your soul that you will never know another like it.  Jo, dear, we all have our temptations, some far greater than yours, and it often takes us all our lives to conquer them.  You think you temper is the worst in the world, but mine used to be just like it." 

"Yours Mother?  Why, you are never angry!"  And for the moment Jo forgot remorse in surprise.

"I've been trying to cure it for forty years, and have only succeeded in controlling it.  I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo, but I have learned not to show it, and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take me another forty years to do so."

The patience and humility of the face she love so well was a better lesson to Jo than the wisest lecture, the sharpest reproof...

"Mother, are you angry when you fold your lips tight together and go out of the room sometimes, when Aunt March scolds or people worry you?"

"Yes, I've learned to check the hasty words that rise to my lips, and when I feel they they mean to break out against my will, I just go away for a minute, and give myself a little shake for being so weak and wicked,"  answered Mrs. March with a sigh and a smile...

"How did you learn to keep still?  That is what troubles me, for the sharp words fly out before I  know what I'm about, and the more I say the worse I get, till it's a pleasure to hurt people's feelings and say dreadful things.  Tell me how you do it, Marmee dear."

"My good mother used to help me..."

"But I lost her when I was a little older than you are, and for years had to struggle on alone, for I was too proud to confess my weakness to anyone else.  I had a hard time, Jo, and shed a good many bitter tears over my failures, for in spite of my efforts I never seemed to get on.  Then your father came, and I was so happy that I found it easy to be good.  But by and by, when I had four little daughters round me and we were poor, then old trouble began again, for I am not patient by nature, and it tried me very much to see my children wanting anything."

"Poor Mother!  What helped you then?"

"Your father, Jo.  He never loses patience, never doubts or complains, but always hopes, and works and waits so cheerfully that one is ashamed to do otherwise before him.  He helped and comforted me, and showed me that I must try to practice all the virtues I would have my girls possess, for I was their example.  It was easier to try for your sakes than for my own. .."

"... you must keep watch over your 'bosom enemy', as father calls it, or it may sadden, if not spoil your life.  You have had a warning.  Remember it, and try with heart and soul to master this quick temper, before it brings you greater sorrow and regret than you have known today."

"I will try, Mother, I truly will.  But you must help me, remind me, and keep me from flying out.  I used to see Father sometimes put his finger on his lips, and look at you with a very kind but sober face, and you always folded your lips tight and went away.  Was he reminding you then?"  asked Jo softly.

"Yes, I asked him to help me so, and he never forgot it, but saved me from many a sharp word by that little gesture and kind look."

"... My child... if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one.  The  more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom.  His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength.  Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother."

... in that sad yet happy hour, she had learned not only the bitterness of remorse and despair, but the sweetness of self-denial and self-control, and led by her mother's hand, she had drawn nearer to the Friend who always welcomes every child with a love stronger than that of any father, tenderer than that of any mother."

I have never been so touched as I read a novel.  It spoke straight to my heart.  For one, Jo describes her anger in the same way I would describe mine.  Then her mother, who is described as sunshine to her daughters throughout the beginning of the book, admits to the same weakness. 

In Jo's mother's description of her struggle to master herself it wasn't one prayer, one struggle and then she was done.  It was a lifetime, forty years of struggle.  Every day.  This just feels so realistic to me!

And it makes me feel grateful.  I can struggle, too.

So in an effort to involve my Heavenly Father in the process, I am going through the Addiction Recovery Program again.

In the meantime, I have been trying to "fold my lips".  I actually succeeded one time yesterday and I can't tell you how sweet that felt that evening as I relived it.  If I can just remember that sweet feeling, maybe I can remember to fold lips again today.   

If only I were perfect right away!  How wonderful it would feel to go to bed with no regrets every day!