Monday, April 13, 2015

I see you


I was walking through the Deseret Bookstore at a Time Out for Women event this weekend.  If I ever want to feel super out of place I should definitely go for a walk in a Deseret Bookstore.  The book titles all seemed to have these rays of light attached to them that projected out like little sun rays up and out.  So positive.  So bright.  They seemed to be attracting my event goers like little butterflies finding the flower that fit them just right.

"See the good," These rays of light seemed to say.

"Here it is!"  They also seemed to say.

I think I needed some shades.

Did you know that I last posted on this blog over a year ago?  Can you believe that?  My heart says, "No. Way."  It just can't imagine me not writing for that long.

For the past year the road I have walked has been pretty shady.  Like, maybe it was actually night time shady.   And my eyes have adjusted to that night time and they were fine with that.  So put me in that book store with the sunlit titles and my eyes were a-hurtin.  Bad.  It hurt pretty bad.

I know what you are thinking.  "Why would you choose to walk such a path?  Seek out the sunlight UtterGirl!  Goodness.  The end.  You're depresssing."

Yeah me too.

Can we set that question aside for a moment?  Thanks.

So anyways, back to me needing shades.

I was walking and wincing (as you do when you need cute, hopefully designer sunglasses...) among the books because I needed air from the the also sun-shiny musical performer and there was literally no where else to walk and get air where I didn't look really suspicious with my little notebook and Time Out for Women tote.  (Why is that Time Out for Women go-er walking alone with a scowl on her face like she needs sunglasses?  Is she sick?  Is she depressed?  We should help her and lift her with sunshiney thoughts!  Oh dear.)

And you will roll your eyes maybe or laugh at me but all I could think about was this,

"We need a book about someone who is super good at seeing the dark.  Someone who says- I have a talent for seeing the dark.  Do you, too?  That's okay.  Some of us aren't good at seeing the darn good all the time.  Some of us are good at seeing what is wrong.  Very, very well.  And we are still functioning too."

Isn't that a weird thought?  I mean, here I was getting a weekend away (Hallelujah) and having actually a wonderful wonderful time and that was the thought I had.

I could not get that thought out of my head all the wonderful and glorious weekend.

"Someone needs to stand up and say this!"  Thought me.  "Someone needs to say-- Seeking out the light is so so hard and actually it hurts my eyes right now thankyouverymuch."

And I even took my awesome little notebook and I wrote this,

"To say I have SEEN.
To say I SEE.
I see BOTH.

I walked on a dark road at midnight this year.  I have seen this dark abyss.  I have journeyed down down where I didn't know a road existed.  But there actually is a road.  It travels deeper into the dark where I haven't gone yet, too.  It also travels back up.  I am confident in saying I have no idea if I am journeying up or down at the moment.  Sometimes I am convinced I am going up and it turns  out-- Oh no honey. And sometimes it really feels like I am going down, but what do you know- light. So you know.  Confident in my lack of confidence. Anyways.

Life is a journey.  I am on a journey.  And if you are better at seeking out the dark-  yeah me too.  But I have spent some time with both now.  And I can see the difference.  If I travel to lighter parts of life the road up is thankfully gradual.  My eyes will have the time they need to adjust.  There is no skipping the road.  I am also confident in that.  You don't get to skip to the light parts of your journey.

I see you there.  Standing in your shady corner in a room full of light.  It hurts your eyes too right now.  That's okay.  That is you right now.  There are good things about you and I shall list them for you to remember when it feels like book titles are a little glaring and well meaning friends bring you light filled statements and all you can think is,

"This. Really. Hurts. My. EYES."

Here is your awesome list.

You have no illusions about the dark not being real.  You don't surround yourself with light hoping the dark isn't real.  Oh, you know it is real and you know it has power.

The next time you find yourself in a light place, you therefore won't kid yourself about the dark being a childs nighmarish fairy tail.  And you will value that light place.  You will see it's parameters clearly and that will be a super power of yours.  Trust me.

The next time you are on a dark path you will be like- Oh I have lived here before.  It seems there was a road out.  I shall find it.  And you will have no fun illusions about it being a quick journey out.

You will clearly and be able to see BOTH.  There is both light and dark and you will see both.

Some people are better at hanging in the sunlight and they can see both because of it.  You may be their opposite.  Same results.  There could be good in both people, yo.  Your journey is still awesome.

So the point to this list seems to really be that knowing misery really well will give you better parameters to know your bliss, your joy.  Just like knowing joy really well gives you parameters to know your misery.  There are both for a reason.

Love you guys.  This was a rambling post but I think I like it.  80% of rambling crap for 20% clarity. That seems to be my style.

And for more proof that I see the negative a bit too clearly click on these links to past posts about me talking about this topic just with other words...

1 comment:

HAYHAY said...

Hey dear chelsie!! I think it's so important to see both. If you see both you know how to battle the dark when it attacks, which it does often. Those who are not diligently working their buns off to stay in the light will surely plummet to the darkest dark right? I loved the part where you wrote about finding your way out of the dark because you'd been there before.

You are an excellent writer. I'd say that a lot of little caterpillars and butterflies could use a sip of you unique and beautiful prose. How about you continue:-)?