It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets. I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross. Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight? Well. That is what this post is about I guess.
I feel like I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys. I am learning to be a wife. A 30 almost 31 year old wife. To a husband. A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband. Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18?? Oh yes. I was a hot 18 year old. Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old.
What does this have to do with the toilets. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel old? Or young? Smart, or stupid? Capable, or a fool? How do these labels affect you? I will tell you how they affect me.
I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you." or "Know who you are." Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what? Your toilets will command you.
Okay now you think I am being funny. And I am. But this is a serious topic. I don't know who I am. Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.
If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.
This isn't about toilets, you know. It is about insecurity. It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me. I can't breath in my own skin. "This can't be me," I say in desperation. "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim. "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!" another wail in my head says. And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch. This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep? And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily? And then I remember I am 30. 30. 30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18. Or as skinny. (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while) So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning. That's right.
So, I cleaned the damn three toilets. Then I told my husband to go to bed.
I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would. But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.
It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative! My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will). It is that I would like to be more secure than I am. I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs. I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor. I am working on it. Want to work on it with me?