Wednesday, October 3, 2012

How I Feel About it Right Now

(This past summer my boys fascinated by a butterfly)
How hard is it to live in the moment?  Oh my goodness.  Every time I think to myself,
"Just look around.  What is going on right now?"
I fight through a buzz of cleaning, cooking, and parenting lists-- pushing them each aside with umph until I finally find that calm and peaceful place that is called PRESENT.  I remember doing that this day.  Buzzing through my overcrowded brain until-- oh, look...  a butterfly...


Speaking of chubby cheeks.  You didn't mention chubby cheeks?  Huh.

Anyways.  Those pictures didn't have all that much to do with this post. 
Have there been prayers lately?  Like, heartfelt and full of tears, snot, and desperation prayers?  Have you sat in your bathroom (alone at last) and gushed out pain and frustration to God.  Not necessarily words, because there usually aren't words in those situations, but all the other elements of prayer were there?   If so, I feel ya.  I hear ya.
I've had those prayers too.  Lately I noticed something.  Those problems that cause those prayers sometimes don't go away no matter how much you wish they would in those bathroom  (again, ALONE AT LAST!) moments.  Those issues you are crying about don't go away no matter how many prayers asking for sweet release.  They just, stay. 
They stay.
So...  What to do...  Well I'll tell you what I did.  I kinda stopped praying about that issue bugging me.  I was like... What's the point?  Nothing happens when I pray about that and I'm pretty sure I will like, go to hell if I feel disappointed about that.  (You know, cause angels always remember that God has his own will and timing, while hellions complain about it.)  So how about I just don't put myself in the situation of being frustrated with God and his way of leaving my "issues" here and now instead of whisking them blissfully away.  How about that?
So, while I still prayed over how in the world to parent my exceptionally exceptional children, safety, and all the other things, I stopped praying over this.... thing.
Then today I was having a hard time.  I decided I would ignore it.  I would push on and ignore my hard time.  When friends called and asked what was up I would lie.  As I went about fulfilling my obligations I would put on fake face and pretend I was good.  It was going to be legendary. 
Then I received this sweet text from a friend telling me she just felt she needed to check up on me and she asked me how I was doing.
You know those moments?  Those moments where God gives you a smack and says-- "Girl, I am here.  Not in the way you would like me to be here.  But I am always here.  Though I am not taking away all of your sorrows, I am helping you through this.  Don't forget all the ways I am helping you through this.  Also, don't forget all the ways I could help you through this if you prayed about it."
You know those ones?
Well.  I remembered.  I felt humbled.  Mostly I began thinking about what it all meant.   This is how I feel about it right now.
God loves me.  Simple as that.  If he loves me-- well...  He DEFINITELY loves you. 
The end.


HAYHAY said...

I wish I would have been there for you chels. You've been there for me so many Times.
I love you, and I think you're amazing. I also love those chubby cheeks and that butterfly moment

CandiShack said...

Love this.

Utter Girl said...

Thanks friends. You ladies are sort of the best. True!