I love being crazy honest. It is so cleansing. It is so freeing. I think it is funny when I fear opening up and being honest about something and then it turns out that I had nothing to fear. My brain is so crazy. The more often I am honest about how I am feeling at that very moment, the more I come to terms with that crazy brain, the more I understand myself, and the more I connect with others. So that is one of the very biggest reasons why I blog.
Understand this though. What I feel and write about so vehemently today, may be completely different by tomorrow. After I write out what I feel, the thing I love more than anything is hearing someone else's take on what I said. I love having discussions. Ah- discussions. Talk to me. Change my opinion. Tell me why I am fundamentally wrong. Teach me about you and where you come from. I want to learn from you. YOU. (Did you hear that?) By tomorrow I will have a completely different view-- and I hope you are okay with that. I feel that, as humans, we can have a tendency to want to keep people where they are in our memories. One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to allow each other to change. Allow me to grow, and maybe we will get along on this blog of mine. It is mine.
Lately I have been struggling with prayer. I also have been struggling with the doctrine of the church. What is it? Where is it? What is the definition of Doctrine? Why are there so many interpretations of the same scriptures? Why do we fight so hard for what we deem to be the correct interpretation? Why do we judge others so harshly for having a different interpretation of a scripture that isn't very clearly laid out? The Word of Wisdom is a perfect example of this to me. I have Vegan friends, grain free friends, gluten free friends, dairy free friends, friends that are juicers, friends that are against taking prescription meds, friends that love prescription meds, friends that hate cooking and buy everything at least semi premade, and friends who only eat what they cook and deem to be "real food". I love all of these people and I really love hearing about how they ended up on the path they are on. I like hearing their stories and interpretations of the Word of Wisdom and how on earth they decided that they could be so certain about that interpretation that they actually want to tell the world all about it. It fascinates me.
Anyways-- as much as I enjoy learning, I also get frustrated when doctrine isn't clear. I am a, "Tell me exactly what I need to do so I can go get it done, " type of personality.
Also, what am I praying for, exactly? To align myself with God's will? Really? Or am I supposed to tell him honestly all of my thoughts? Am I supposed to tell him all of my super silly thoughts, then listen and hope that what the spirit tells me afterwards makes my thoughts more in line with the way they should be? Probably. Mostly what seems to happen since I got sick though is this,
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to be alive and spend time with my children and husband today... Thank you for all the things you helped me accomplish, it felt really nice to get those things done. Please help me to do better tomorrow.... zzzzzzzzzz... {start awake!} ummm... (then I start to get really guilty feelings as I think of that quote, "What if tomorrow I only woke up to the things I thanked God for the night before?") Oh- Thank you so much for my husband and my children and my wonderful family and friends and .... zzzzzzzz.... "
Then I feel a gentle nudge from the spirit saying, "It is okay, just get in bed so you can rest your weary and aching bones."
And I end my prayer with gratitude for the kindness of our Heavenly Father, hoping I am not so exhausted tomorrow (which I will be-- experience people) and I climb in bed hoping for an excellent night of sleep and a fresh beginning to live life to its fullest tomorrow...
Perhaps my shorty prayers are proof that I am living life to it's fullest and that is why I am so dern tired. zzzzzzzz....
Goodnight my friends. Here is to fresh starts and understanding one another, rather than willfully misunderstanding, you know?
1 comment:
Hey again - I haven't read any of these posts, so I've gotta catch up. This sounds like a recent conversation of ours... :) It's so true. I also wish we could just be told the straight answer so we could all just get on with it! But... maybe that is not what it's all about...? Being the control-freak of nature that I am, and trying to change, and trying to observe others who are much more 'allowing' than I am, one thing I am noticing is that there ARE so many ways that people do things. And the people who are so allowing are so nice and gracious, and they are just so happy for others and excited about the way they choose to do things. And they don't feel threatened, and they don't feel wrong, they are just excited that other people can choose something for themselves and it's working great! And they are excited that they get to choose their own way, too.
But still... isn't there one REALLY right way?? Like, the BEST way? Maybe not... And maybe that is the point...?
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