Hope

So I have written about how I was a relatively healthy woman, able to do most of the tasks I wanted. I could take care of our children and home and my calling with ease. 

Then I became sick with a mystery sickness no doctor in my area could cure.  I was in bed most days and in pain.  I won't go into more detail.  It could be worse, right?  I remember that.

Well, I felt like finding out what was wrong with me, and when we had exhausted our resources of doctors in this area, I had the distinct feeling that it would be good to try to get into The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  I had my family doctor make an appointment.

I wanted to go to Mayo because I felt there are good doctors who work together in a different way than any other places I had been.  They have access to research and specialists who all work together to help me get better.  I have had friends go to Mayo and get treatment they did not get anywhere else.  Treatment that saved their lives.


Also, it felt right.  When I thought about trying to get into Mayo, it was the first time I felt like I was going the right direction.  I felt in my core that my Heavenly Father wanted me to go there.

My first appointment was December 1st and we are still here, staying in a hotel, while I complete all of my appointment.s

What I really want to write about is hope, though. 

I learned a thing or two about hope going to local doctors around my home.  I would go to my first appointment with a specialist, tell them my symptoms, they would tell me the possible diagnosis and schedule tests.  I would begin to hope.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop myself.  I would hope that this would be the time we would figure out what was bothering my body, we would treat it, and I would get better.  I would have visions of who I used to be and get excited to see her back again.

Then, when the tests came back I would go for a followup appointment.  The specialist would look at the results and say they didn't find anything.  Then he would look at me and say, "I'm sorry.  I don't know what is causing your symptoms."  He would send me away.  I would sit in my car and cry in disappointment.  Then I would try to remember how it could be worse.  It wasn't the end of the world.  And I would try to heal my heart with these thoughts.  I would recall all my blessings, because there are many.  I would feel ashamed that I forgot them.  After my tears were dry, I would drive home, resolving that I would try to not hope at my next appointment unless there was a reason.

So now here I am at Mayo, and I have seen a general internist who scheduled many tests for me.  After the test results are back I will meet with specialists here.

This is not a cheap trip, but I am willing to pay for answers that I haven't been able to find on my own.

I keep feeling guilty because I have the recurring thought, "What if it isn't worth it?  What if they don't find anything here either and I go home empty handed?  That would be an expensive mistake."

This morning I asked my sweet husband to turn off the TV for half an hour in our hotel room so I could read my scriptures.  I needed some quiet.  I need it every day, you know?  I opened my scriptures and I felt so empty, like I was just reading words on a page.

I have learned that when I am having a hard time feeling the spirit as I read my scriptures that it is good to try to come up with a question I would like answered.  Not just any trivial question if I really want to feel closer to my Heavenly Father, but the most burning question I have.  The question that has been occurring the most often and has been, deep down, causing me the most anxiety in my alone hours.

I was ashamed of my question so I almost didn't ask it, but I have learned to just ask because the results are always good when I am brave enough to just be honest with my God.

I wrote in my little notebook I like to always keep with me,

"Are we here at Mayo for a reason???"

In my mind I thought about all my other questions, "Is the money spent going to be worth it?  Am I wasting our time?  Will we get answers?"

Then I opened my scriptures and began to read where I have a marker in the Book of Mormon.

I am reading in 2Nephi lately, I am in chapter 10.  As I read I began to quiet my mind.  I pushed out all my doubts and worries and just tried to be quiet, another thing I have learned is useful when seeking to feel closer to God.

Then I came to verse 10.  At the end of the verse it says this,

"..For he has spoken it, and who can dispute?"

A thought came to my mind,

"Where is your faith?"

I thought about all the times I had felt so good about coming here.  I know who gave me those feelings after I had studied it out and decided it was a good thing to do.  I am supposed to be here. 

That makes this time different.  I have faith in those experiences with my God. 

So I can hope.

That is why the order is faith then hope.

I can hope this time because I have faith we are here for a reason.

I learned about why it goes in that order this morning.

If I have faith that God told me it would be good to be here, then this time, it is also okay to hope.  I just need to have faith.

I hope you followed that.  I feel a bit out of practice!