For years I was so good at reading my scriptures and studying what my LDS religion believes about God on a daily basis. Because I had done this from a fairly young teenager I don't think I really knew how much that daily study gave me. Or what it gave me either. A few years ago my health declined and with that my energy and my state of mind that told me how to study. I stopped daily journaling, I stopped studying daily. I mostly slept. So... there were a lot of other things I stopped doing as well. Playing physically with my kids being at the top of my list of most notable changes. I endured great pain on an almost daily basis.
Anyways, point is, something I had done for years stopped. Recently, I picked up the habit again. I highly recommend it. I study, and then I meditate about what I studied. My mind is quiet except for giving my questions to God and trying to listen to what he has to say. Through listening to the words of the LDS prophets and reading scriptures, I find answers to pressing questions. Pressing is such a good way to describe my questions. Call me a fixator. But when I have a question it almost hurts. I can't sleep. It keeps me up at night. It presses on my life until I find an answer.
I got an answer to a question today. I found myself backpedaling lately. Like, I would think about important decisions I had made with God when I was younger, and then I would think- what if I hadn't taken the hard road? I was thinking that some decisions I had made had truly been a trial in my life. I kept wondering in the back part of my mind( that won't let me sleep already at 1 or 2 in the morning) if my life decisions had truly been inspired. What if my life had been easier? What if God had just removed obstacles in my life instead?
I began to make a list in my journal of what if's. What if this had come easily? What if that trial hadn't been there? Who would I be today? I will write a portion of my thoughts,
"Well, I never would have buried myself and then clawed my slow way back to the surface piece by piece with the Lord's help. He has pulled up all of my traits and then illuminated them and told me he thinks they are good. Where would I be if I hadn't had the trials that caused me to bury myself in the first place? If an easy life had provided me self worth and given me all I "needed"? I don't know. But I am who I am because of my struggles. My relationship with God is what it is because I remember him pulling me out and up from my dark personal struggles and illuminating me. He is the one who told me I am good. So now I can stand alone. With no one else propping me up because God has given me strength. He worked my own muscles. He was my partner."
And you know what that is cool. And maybe God really does have a hand in our lives. Even when it seems like it doesn't make much sense. I really think that God has a completely different idea of what he wants me to be at the end of my life than I ever anticipated. I really think that my expectations for how I would grow were just not true. Yes there were many different directions my life path could have taken so far. And also, yes I truly followed what I felt God told me to do. It is easy to go back to young Chelsie and scold her for not standing up for herself more. For not asking more questions. But I also think she was pretty brave to do what she felt deep in her heart were the right things at the time. I wouldn't be who I am. Someone who can stand alone. If I hadn't been someone buried for years first. All the ground I have gained as a woman I have earned. That is something. And I couldn't have done it without God, because there wasn't anyone else around to give it to me. And I wouldn't have the confidence I have in God without it. We read over and over again in the scriptures how we can't rely on the arm of man. That God alone will never leave us disappointed. My life has been one big lesson about turning to him and no other.
So I just thought I would write about that today. What do you think about it? Have you learned hard lessons about relying only on God too?
And I am really going to try to keep up my daily study and meditation. It is so worth it for these moments of illumination and the peace that comes with them. Have a great day. Remember how God feels about ya.
Reference for the title