Friday, October 18, 2013

Too many thoughts

I have so many thoughts lately about the power of words and how I can do better. I choose garbage words out of laziness. I would feel like I had better manners if I worked harder on choosing bigger words.  Words other than crap and awesome.

(this sign is awesome)

 I also am thinking about faith and how it can be hard to behave a certain way when you have strong personal feelings.  Like when I am mad.  You know.... God says don't get mad.  I get mad sometimes (shhhhh....)  And I was thinking about how controlling my temper would be doing what God says to do.  It would be an act of faith.  So.  Maybe I should have more faith in what God is telling me to do and trust that even though I am seeing red I should keep quiet and master that feeling.  I'm thinking that act of faith would be worth it in the end.

I have been thinking about "Jesus the Christ" by James E Talmage.  Have you read that book?  I have been thinking that whenever I read that book it ruins any church function because all I hear is James E Talmage in the back of my head correcting whoever is talking.  Maybe it is good.  But mostly it ruins church.  I love learning and reading from him though.  There is so much I don't know.

I have been thinking about the push and pull of hard work and peace and rest.  I love getting things done that are hard.  I love the feeling that I have taken good care of my kids.  Hours of homework, vacuuming, talking with them about minecraft, talking with them about the weird liberal things they learn at school (who knows what they might want to discuss??  I just want to be always available!), picking up socks, making dinner interesting despite the fact my kids just want a cheese quesadilla, organizing and cleaning up my home.  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about. 

(what is it about this game?  Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer?)

And then there is rest.  I find lately that I don't rest well unless everything is done.  And um... it never is.  My husband was talking about a work seminar he went to about being a good manager.  The seminar spoke about the art of taking a fifteen minute break.  Yeah that sounds crazy to me. Fifteen minutes is valuable time people.  I can get a lot done in fifteen child free minutes.   Yet, I think if I went ahead and took fifteen minutes to say, eat a snack and sit down- I would then be refreshed so that all the mom projects didn't take me forever because I am dragging my tired, hungry, and therefore irritable body through doing it.  Someday I hope to grow up and perfect taking fifteen minute breaks. 

Lately I am thinking about how different each person is.  I am also thinking about how good people are, yet how easy it is to judge a person by one act.  I think that is wrong.  I think about how that feels wrong lately.  I am so tired of anyone I love being misjudged.  I am also tired of misjudging them myself.  I am too easily critical of those I love.  I am wishing I could just let it go and live my life without ever worrying about how anyone else is living their life.  It's super hard.  It's super dumb that it is super hard. 

I am thinking about body image.  What is right?  There is no right.  Body image is personal.  Some people like myself hate gaining weight and it goes waaaaaaay back as to why.  Some people work hard every day to be thin thin thin and fit.  Some people work hard and are not thin.  Some people are cool with not working hard and are still thin.  Some people.... blah blah blah there are so many different "rights" and mostly I am tired of my own inner dialogue and how I go back and forth between believing I am beautiful and having positive inner thoughts and just bashing on myself.  It is getting so old.  And just when I thought I was doing better-- I wasn't anymore.

I have been wrestling with being a good mom and what it means.  Yeah.  I am about to hang this sign in my boys bathroom. 
(its totally motivating)

I have been thinking about protesters.  And faith.  And trust in my religion.  And complacency.  And blind faith vs educated faith.  I respect educated faith more than blind lately.  Yet I spent the first 25-27 years of my life respecting blind faith more.  I can't remember when that shift happened. There is maybe nothing I love better than reading a book by James E Talmage, an educated man, and just drinking in his expertise on Jesus Christ.  It is awesome.  I also loooove listening to anyone educated talking about their views on religion.  It is a breath of fresh air to me.  I think that I also respect protesters when they are educated.  I like hearing what they have to say.  It interests me. I am not a protester.  I think I am not smart enough to be one.

I have been thinking about how blessed I am to have friends lately.  Intelligent friends who can relate to one another and who lift each other up and encourage one another to be amazing all in the same spot are rare.   I feel like God was good to me to gather so many people where I live that I would pay to spend the day with.  And they don't charge. 

There is more.  I am going to stop there for today.

image credits: (so this link is broken but this is where I originally bought the sign for the bathroom)

1 comment:

CandiShack said...

Hey friend! I just love you and I love reading your words. So, comments on this post:

1) Anger management: I have wondered about the commandments that God gives us. Are they all outward things we need to do? Are we really supposed to suppress our feelings? Is it all about how we act and look on the outside? I have heard or read so much about repressed emotions and how bad it is, that I am not sure that is what God is saying when he says 'Don't be angry'. My view on it now is: 'Master yourself and be so centered in Me, that these little things that seem to always anger you just don't anymore.' I feel like I am coming to an understanding that God's commandments all begin on the inside. When you master the inside, the outside will automatically follow. The commandments aren't a self-management checklist. They are a way of saying, 'when you feel angry, remember to come back to ME, center yourself and secure yourself in ME. Reflect on yourself and why you are REALLY feeling this way.' Or, when you feel lustful, hurt, sad, or X,Y, or Z, do the same. It is all the same answer. I think all of these things are usually our cue that we have an unmet need - usually the need for connection to God, to ourselves, or others. And so by reflecting within ourselves, we connect back to God and ourselves, and our need becomes met, and the anger/hurt/judgmentalness/etc. goes away.

I don't imagine Jesus getting angry at the things I tend to get angry at. I don't imagine him losing his patience much at all. Why?? That is the question for me. Because if I know WHY he was able to be that way, then it shows me the path. (And you know I'm not satisfied with an answer like, 'well he was able to do that because he was perfect and he was God's son'...) So I feel that He was able to master this because of his connection and deep relationship with His Father, and the understanding and love that comes out of that.

Okay, second comment: Minecraft. Cubes! Cubes, Chelsie. Cubes are awesome. Now do you get it?? :)

Third: the 15-minute break: (K first of all, I swear we are always thinking about the same things. We must have quantum minds or something...) So, I have been thinking about the need for quiet time, too. And it has to do with that first comment - we need time to center ourselves back into God's love! Our western society has trained us not to value rest like many wise eastern cultures do, and it is getting so out of control that it is killing us. Our society says the faster you can work, and the more you can get done in a day, the better. People think they have to drink crazy five-hour-energy drinks just to keep up with their peers, but the truth is, nobody was ever built for such demands, and we are very unwise to believe we should be able to meet them.

It is kind of funny and ironic that Chuck had that class: like, we are so far removed from the idea of the value of rest, that we now have to re-introduce it into our culture as if it was a new idea. But, alas, that is where we are at, and you and I are products of such a culture, so even we have to unlearn these beliefs that more and faster is better.

*insert deep breath here. or maybe a few.*

Okay and lastly: do you think that pirate sign would help my boys flush the toilet, too? Or maybe a minecraft one that says, "Even Steve Flushes, too!"