Answers

This is a heavy post. It is a story.   I feel better now that I have written it.  Tell me-- has something similar ever happened to you?  I would love to hear about it.

Here it is--



For years I felt a weight on my chest.  For years I had a problem with something and I never said anything.  To anyone.  Except God.  And even then I would only talk to God about it when I was torn from sleep in the middle of the night, heart and mind racing.  Well galloping is a better word.  Heart and mind galloping.  And I couldn't sleep anymore.  That had a lot to do with the way I couldn't breathe either.  So I would bolt out of bed and sit on my couch in the living room.  In the middle of the night.  Usually in the dark.  And I would feel honest feelings and think honest thoughts.  I had a bad habit of never allowing myself to feel honest feelings or think honest thoughts until they tore me from sleep in the middle of the night. 

And since my body insisted on speaking what I would never speak with words, I would let the words finally come.  There is something about the middle of the night where I am just sleeping that brings out how I really feel.  It must take so much effort to keep the real me at bay.  Because she only seems to come out in the middle of the night when I am vulnerable and weak with sleep.

So then I begin praying.  Over the years how many times have I been wrenched awake with pounding heart and racing mind?  Then dragged myself to my dark couch and let the honest and real words just flow.  With this honesty came real feelings I refused to feel during the day as well, and with that came crying.  Real painful crying.  Out it would all come in a few honest moments until my body was finally spent and I would crawl back into bed and life would resume until the next time.

And the years rolled on.  Life rolled on but still I wrestled with this one dominant problem I shared with no one.  (Lets be honest, there were many problems, but this one stuck out).

Until I got sick a few years ago.  Are you sick of hearing about that?  Cause I am.  Anyways--  suddenly a new set of issues was keeping me up at night.  When I woke up with pounding heart and no breath it was because I was agonizing over how this was affecting my family.  About time no longer spent running at the park or taking long walks with my children.  I thought about dishes in the sink and toilets not scrubbed.  I thought about the general disarray of my life and pondered how we were all going to make it. 

But.  But.  God didn't forget my first prayers.  Those first reasons I was wrenched from bed were still there.  He was working on those for me even while I cried out that I was drowning over new and fresh problems.  He didn't forget the things that had kept me up the ten previous years. 

What on earth is this post about? 

Well, it is sort of about happiness. It is a lot about relief.  I didn't know that I would ever resolve the things that kept me up those first ten years.  That's why they woke me up.  That is also why I ignored them during the day.  Why dwell on what you cannot change? 

Being sick these past two and almost a half years did something to me.  It forced me to... how to say this....

To relinquish control over parts of my life.  I didn't have a choice and I complained quite loudly in my prayers about it.

I realized not long ago that being sick these past few years was the darn solution to my original problem.  I forgot and wasn't praying about it in the middle of the night (I was praying about new things) but God didn't forget those ten years of panic attacks.  He was fixing the things he knew would continue to keep me up at night after I was well again.

You guys I am not one to believe in being given trials for specific purpose.  I do believe, now more than ever, that God will take the situations life throws at us and use them for our good.  And I believe that is what he has done here.

Now I may be feeling better lately (for real!).  So I may not be wrenched from bed in the middle of the night agonizing over how being sick is negatively affecting my family.  And now that these problems are fading away--- I won't be waking up for old problems either.  I can just sleep.

This old problem wasn't solved by me doing anything purposefully.  In fact it has been solved rather messily.  I have been focused on other things more pressing to me at the time.  It was as if my current two and a half years of "situation" pushed me into the solution for my other deeper problems.  That is what sort of boggles my mind.  Do people say "boggles" any more?  Well it does.  It boggles me.

Now what's keeping me up from 2-4 am is joy.  Awe.  Gratitude.  Testimony that God really does hear me.  That he really does know me.  He remembered the things that kept me up all those years.  He quietly was going about helping me in that area while I suffered through another.  And now that I am coming though the specific trial of being sick-- there are no longer those old dark clouds to deal with either.  Just blue skies.    I wish I could describe the tears of relief.  This knowledge that God will work on things I truly feel I don't have the capability to work on.  This knowledge that what matters to me in my honest, raw moments matters to Him too.  That is a revelation.  I always thought I needed to change what honestly bothered me.  I thought if I could just change how I felt deep down to whatever it was God wanted me to feel then I wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night anymore.

That didn't turn out to be true in this instance.  I feel as though God felt with me all those painful nights.  He didn't like what was going on either.  Who knew?  Who knew.

I feel different.  Like I have someone on my side.   That my side is valid.  Weird.  I spent a long time telling myself during the day that I just wasn't a very good person for the things that I let bruise my soul.  Then at night being torn from bed letting out how I really felt about it.  Over and over again this cycle of telling myself I just wasn't angelic enough or something.

Who put those ideas in my head?  This knowledge that just because I want to make things better in my life doesn't make me a bad person.  This knowledge that the things that feel wrong to me may be valid makes me feel powerful.  Because now that I know that repressing and enduring isn't always the answer-  I will start allowing myself to be assertive.  I will start being assertive.  I will work on improving what sears my soul in the middle of the night.  And if what is bothering me is that I honestly have no idea how to solve my problem  ( that is what was bugging me all those years more than anything else), then I will find help.  End of story.  For now.

shake it out

in a moment to myself i turned on florence and the machine.  i turned it way up.  i danced a little, not gonna lie.  you know, this post is about being sick.  or tired.  or not enough.  those moments you want to curl up in a ball and give up.  sometimes you have to turn up the music loud and shake it out.  shake it out where no one else is watching until you feel better again. feel all of the emotions you keep at bay during the daily grind.  when did life become a daily grind anyway?  who says it has to stay that way? Shake it out. live.  choose to live today the way you want.  no more daily grind.  shake it out, dance it out.  live your life again.  this song is about redemption moments.  it is about realizing i am just as human as anyone.  i just am. i refuse to judge myself any longer.  i refuse to pretend i am anything more than i am. can you see me dancing it out like a nerd?  good.  smile about that today.

if you are feeling mentally like there is a devil on your back and you are going back and forth and nothing you do is right anyway, put this song on loud and dance for me. 


Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

-Florence and the Machine  "shake it out"

I

This is a messy post.  There have been times in my life where the people I was surrounded by wanted to break me and mold me into something like them. Those were darker times in my life.  Lately, my life is like the light made by lightning.  It is so bright.  It is so charged with sudden light and electricity.  It is beautiful.  I feel this way around the people God has placed in my life lately  I feel alive.  I worry it is as fleeting as lightning.  I am writing this post to remember who I am.  I...

There are some people in life you cannot escape.  There are obligations you are somehow given.  That can suck out your soul and leave you lifeless.  This post is for those times.


I am me
I am a person with ideas
I am a person willing to share my ideas with those who may differ
I am brave
I am capable
I have a brain that I use, often, therefore I have
an opinion
If I feel my opinion will help you I am unafraid to tell you
I am a person who asks questions if I don't understand
I am well versed in the scriptures after years of careful, intelligent study
I am unable to be bullied by others misinterpretation of the scriptures
I am not cowed when others assume things about me that are untrue
I am willing to admit when I am wrong
I am still learning
I am unwilling to be ignored
I am straightforward about what I want
I am not afraid of you
I am not afraid of showing what I am
I am willing to listen to and think about good advice
I am not offended when you are offended by me
I roll my eyes when you do something stupid
I am someone who craves honesty
I am someone who craves truth
I consciously stay away from situations where all those present consistently try to break who I am
I am concerned for your well being
I exist
even though that confuses you to no end.  Leave me be. Leave me be. 
But if you don't leave me be, I will find a way to still be I.  And that will be like lightning.  It is so dark where you are, but where I let myself be I-- it is like lightning. Try to break me.  Try to break the lightning in the darkness, and I will leave to light up with someone else. 

How Do you Feel About Toilets? And Pee. And ummm... One Other Thing...I Forget...

It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets.  I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross.  Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight?  Well.  That is what this post is about I guess.

I feel like I am still learning.  I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys.  I am learning to be a wife.  A 30 almost 31 year old wife.  To a husband.  A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband.  Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18??  Oh yes.  I was a hot 18 year old.  Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old. 

What does this have to do with the toilets.  Hmmm.

Do you ever feel old?  Or young?  Smart, or stupid?  Capable, or a fool?  How do these labels affect you?  I will tell you how they affect me.

I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you."  or  "Know who you are."  Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what?  Your toilets will command you.

Okay now you think I am being funny.  And I am.  But this is a serious topic.  I don't know who I am.  Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.

If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.

This isn't about toilets, you know.  It is about insecurity.  It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me.  I can't breath in my own skin.  "This can't be me," I say in desperation.  "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim.  "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!"  another wail in my head says.  And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch.  This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep?  And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily?  And then I remember I am 30.  30.  30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18.  Or as skinny.  (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while)  So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning.  That's right. 

So, I cleaned the damn three toilets.  Then I told my husband to go to bed.

I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would.  But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.

It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative!  My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will).  It is that I would like to be more secure than I am.  I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs.  I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor.  I am working on it.  Want to work on it with me?

How I Feel About it Right Now

(This past summer my boys fascinated by a butterfly)

 

 

How hard is it to live in the moment?  Oh my goodness.  Every time I think to myself,

 

"Just look around.  What is going on right now?"

 

I fight through a buzz of cleaning, cooking, and parenting lists-- pushing them each aside with umph until I finally find that calm and peaceful place that is called PRESENT.  I remember doing that this day.  Buzzing through my overcrowded brain until-- oh, look...  a butterfly...

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of chubby cheeks.  You didn't mention chubby cheeks?  Huh.

 

 

 

Anyways.  Those pictures didn't have all that much to do with this post. 

 

 

 

Have there been prayers lately?  Like, heartfelt and full of tears, snot, and desperation prayers?  Have you sat in your bathroom (alone at last) and gushed out pain and frustration to God.  Not necessarily words, because there usually aren't words in those situations, but all the other elements of prayer were there?   If so, I feel ya.  I hear ya.

 

I've had those prayers too.  Lately I noticed something.  Those problems that cause those prayers sometimes don't go away no matter how much you wish they would in those bathroom  (again, ALONE AT LAST!) moments.  Those issues you are crying about don't go away no matter how many prayers asking for sweet release.  They just, stay. 

 

They stay.

 

 

So...  What to do...  Well I'll tell you what I did.  I kinda stopped praying about that issue bugging me.  I was like... What's the point?  Nothing happens when I pray about that and I'm pretty sure I will like, go to hell if I feel disappointed about that.  (You know, cause angels always remember that God has his own will and timing, while hellions complain about it.)  So how about I just don't put myself in the situation of being frustrated with God and his way of leaving my "issues" here and now instead of whisking them blissfully away.  How about that?

 

So, while I still prayed over how in the world to parent my exceptionally exceptional children, safety, and all the other things, I stopped praying over this.... thing.

 

Then today I was having a hard time.  I decided I would ignore it.  I would push on and ignore my hard time.  When friends called and asked what was up I would lie.  As I went about fulfilling my obligations I would put on fake face and pretend I was good.  It was going to be legendary. 

 

Then I received this sweet text from a friend telling me she just felt she needed to check up on me and she asked me how I was doing.

 

You know those moments?  Those moments where God gives you a smack and says-- "Girl, I am here.  Not in the way you would like me to be here.  But I am always here.  Though I am not taking away all of your sorrows, I am helping you through this.  Don't forget all the ways I am helping you through this.  Also, don't forget all the ways I could help you through this if you prayed about it."

 

You know those ones?

 

Well.  I remembered.  I felt humbled.  Mostly I began thinking about what it all meant.   This is how I feel about it right now.

 

God loves me.  Simple as that.  If he loves me-- well...  He DEFINITELY loves you. 

 

The end.

 



If I lose, I want to lose happily

Is your life a race?

I find something so relieving about reading or listening to Conference talks that seem to be telling me to slow down.  When I read council saying-- take it slow-  my body, mind, and soul sigh.  I literally feel my spirit taking a hopeful breath and my tired brain thinks,

"Would that be okay, 'cause I'm exhausted."

Every once in a while I like to stop and think--- what are my priorities?

This talk by President Thomas S Monson is the latest of many talks I have read about slowing down and thinking about what matters.  I liked these parts.

"In this fast-paced life, do we ever pause for moments of meditation—even thoughts of timeless truths?

"...when times of crisis arise, when loved ones are hurt or injured, when sickness enters the house of good health, when life’s candle dims and darkness threatens. Our thoughts become focused, and we are easily able to determine what is really important and what is merely trivial."

I really need these reminders.  I'm so grateful for the drink of water Conference is.  I can let other voices tell me what I need or should be doing much too often.  And most often, it is my own inner demon voice tormenting me day by day.

It says,

Utter Girl, your house is messy.

Utter Girl, your grass ought to be cut more often.

Utter Girl, you do not cook enough.

Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time at the gym.

Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time on your hair and make up.  I mean, how many days in a row has your hair looked like that??

It says other things.  Harsher things.  Cruel things.  I am my own worst critic and it seems sometimes that the only answer to the many calls of my inner voice is to just move faster.

When I became sick a year and a half ago and then remained sick thereafter (to varying degrees), I began to notice that the first thing to go was the house.  It became messier.  Then, my grass rarely was cut.  I certainly didn't get to the gym, and my hair was often ugly, while makeup became non-existent.

But what really really bugged me in the back of my SOUL were thoughts of my family. 

Are the boys happy enough? Have we walked together in nature enough? Do they see their friends enough?  Am I spending enough time chatting with them?  Does my husband feel supported enough?  Am I serving my friends enough?  Am I spending enough time on my calling?  Do those I love feel loved???

I had questions and nagging thoughts still, but the questions changed.  I also found that I could live with the first set of things going, but I absolutely hated letting the second set of things be neglected.  The first set of things were things that made me look as if I had it together, but the second set of things were what truly needed to be held together.

Does that make sense?

This past six months has brought on an improvement in my health, and with it, more capability to keep up with the lists.  But I'm tired sometimes.  And I hope I will remember the next time I am tired that the best thing for my soul and for my eternal happiness is to slow down.  Then, after I slow down, to think and ponder about lessons I've learned about what matters.  I hope that I let go of the things that make me appear like I have it together, and I focus on the things that really keep me together.  Because if I go to sleep at night having gone to the gym, done my hair, cleaned my home and with a manicured lawn-- yet I didn't spend time with my children, didn't serve my amazing friends, my husband felt neglected because I was much too tired to spend time with him after hurriedly putting the kids to bed--- those are the things that will keep me up at night.  Those are the things my soul will cry out over.  Weeping over lost time with chubby cheeks, tiny voices, and loving arms around me.  These are the things I can't live happily without.  So if I am tired enough that I need to choose, I want to just teach myself to slow down and pick the better part.  I know my soul will give that wonderful sigh if I do.  That wonderful sigh of true content.



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The Thing About Being Crazy Honest

I love being crazy honest.  It is so cleansing.  It is so freeing.  I think it is funny when I fear opening up and being honest about something and then it turns out that I had nothing to fear.  My brain is so crazy.  The more often I am honest about how I am feeling at that very moment, the more I come to terms with that crazy brain, the more I understand myself, and the more I connect with others.  So that is one of the very biggest reasons why I blog. 

Understand this though.  What I feel and write about so vehemently today, may be completely different by tomorrow.  After I write out what I feel, the thing I love more than anything is hearing someone else's take on what I said.  I love having discussions.  Ah- discussions.  Talk to me.  Change my opinion.  Tell me why I am fundamentally wrong.  Teach me about you and where you come from.  I want to learn from you.  YOU.  (Did you hear that?)  By tomorrow I will have a completely different view-- and I hope you are okay with that.  I feel that, as humans, we can have a tendency to want to keep people where they are in our memories.  One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to allow each other to change.  Allow me to grow, and maybe we will get along on this blog of mine.  It is mine. 

Lately I have been struggling with prayer.  I also have been struggling with the doctrine of the church.  What is it?  Where is it?  What is the definition of Doctrine?  Why are there so many interpretations of the same scriptures?  Why do we fight so hard for what we deem to be the correct interpretation?  Why do we judge others so harshly for having a different interpretation of a scripture that isn't very clearly laid out?  The Word of Wisdom is a perfect example of this to me.  I have Vegan friends, grain free friends, gluten free friends, dairy free friends, friends that are juicers, friends that are against taking prescription meds, friends that love prescription meds, friends that hate cooking and buy everything at least semi premade, and friends who only eat what they cook and deem to be "real food".  I love all of these people and I really love hearing about how they ended up on the path they are on. I like hearing their stories and interpretations of the Word of Wisdom and how on earth they decided that they could be so certain about that interpretation that they actually want to tell the world all about it.  It fascinates me.

Anyways-- as much as I enjoy learning, I also get frustrated when doctrine isn't clear.  I am a, "Tell me exactly what I need to do so I can go get it done, " type of personality.

Also, what am I praying for, exactly?  To align myself with God's will?  Really?  Or am I supposed to tell him honestly all of my  thoughts?  Am I supposed to tell him all of my super silly thoughts, then listen and hope that what the spirit tells me afterwards makes my thoughts more in line with the way they should be?  Probably.  Mostly what seems to happen since I got sick though is this,

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to be alive and spend time with my children and husband today...  Thank you for all the things you helped me accomplish, it felt really nice to get those things done.  Please help me to do better tomorrow.... zzzzzzzzzz... {start awake!} ummm... (then I start to get really guilty feelings as I think of that quote, "What if tomorrow I only woke up to the things I thanked God for the night before?")  Oh-  Thank you so much for my husband and my children and my wonderful  family and friends and .... zzzzzzzz....  "

Then I feel a gentle nudge from the spirit saying, "It is okay, just get in bed so you can rest your weary and aching bones."

And I end my prayer with gratitude for the kindness of our Heavenly Father, hoping I am not so exhausted tomorrow (which I will be-- experience people) and I climb in bed hoping for an excellent night of sleep and a fresh beginning to live life to its fullest tomorrow...

Perhaps my shorty prayers are proof that I am living life to it's fullest and that is why I am so dern tired.  zzzzzzzz....

Goodnight my friends.  Here is to fresh starts and understanding one another, rather than willfully misunderstanding, you know?