This is a messy post. There have been times in my life where the people I was surrounded by wanted to break me and mold me into something like them. Those were darker times in my life. Lately, my life is like the light made by lightning. It is so bright. It is so charged with sudden light and electricity. It is beautiful. I feel this way around the people God has placed in my life lately I feel alive. I worry it is as fleeting as lightning. I am writing this post to remember who I am. I...
There are some people in life you cannot escape. There are obligations you are somehow given. That can suck out your soul and leave you lifeless. This post is for those times.
I am me
I am a person with ideas
I am a person willing to share my ideas with those who may differ
I am brave
I am capable
I have a brain that I use, often, therefore I have
an opinion
If I feel my opinion will help you I am unafraid to tell you
I am a person who asks questions if I don't understand
I am well versed in the scriptures after years of careful, intelligent study
I am unable to be bullied by others misinterpretation of the scriptures
I am not cowed when others assume things about me that are untrue
I am willing to admit when I am wrong
I am still learning
I am unwilling to be ignored
I am straightforward about what I want
I am not afraid of you
I am not afraid of showing what I am
I am willing to listen to and think about good advice
I am not offended when you are offended by me
I roll my eyes when you do something stupid
I am someone who craves honesty
I am someone who craves truth
I consciously stay away from situations where all those present consistently try to break who I am
I am concerned for your well being
I exist
even though that confuses you to no end. Leave me be. Leave me be.
But if you don't leave me be, I will find a way to still be I. And that will be like lightning. It is so dark where you are, but where I let myself be I-- it is like lightning. Try to break me. Try to break the lightning in the darkness, and I will leave to light up with someone else.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
How Do you Feel About Toilets? And Pee. And ummm... One Other Thing...I Forget...
It is precisely 12:26 am and I just finished cleaning my toilets. I hadn't cleaned them today... or yesterday... and that is just gross. Why I decided (finally) that they had reached level INTOLERABLE at midnight? Well. That is what this post is about I guess.
I feel like I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys. I am learning to be a wife. A 30 almost 31 year old wife. To a husband. A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband. Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18?? Oh yes. I was a hot 18 year old. Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old.
What does this have to do with the toilets. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel old? Or young? Smart, or stupid? Capable, or a fool? How do these labels affect you? I will tell you how they affect me.
I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you." or "Know who you are." Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what? Your toilets will command you.
Okay now you think I am being funny. And I am. But this is a serious topic. I don't know who I am. Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.
If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.
This isn't about toilets, you know. It is about insecurity. It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me. I can't breath in my own skin. "This can't be me," I say in desperation. "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim. "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!" another wail in my head says. And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch. This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep? And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily? And then I remember I am 30. 30. 30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18. Or as skinny. (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while) So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning. That's right.
So, I cleaned the damn three toilets. Then I told my husband to go to bed.
I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would. But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.
It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative! My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will). It is that I would like to be more secure than I am. I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs. I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor. I am working on it. Want to work on it with me?
I feel like I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mom to my three different boys. I am learning to be a wife. A 30 almost 31 year old wife. To a husband. A hot, 34 almost 35 year old husband. Did you know, that when I met and subsequently married my husband I was 18?? Oh yes. I was a hot 18 year old. Of course, I was a crunchy, wear no makeup, hadn't figured out the whole "straightening iron" hot 18 year old.
What does this have to do with the toilets. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel old? Or young? Smart, or stupid? Capable, or a fool? How do these labels affect you? I will tell you how they affect me.
I think this is why people wiser than myself always seem to be saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else loves you." or "Know who you are." Because if there is any opening in your supposed rock hard armor of self, guess what? Your toilets will command you.
Okay now you think I am being funny. And I am. But this is a serious topic. I don't know who I am. Just when I feel like I have gone past the stage of insecurity, bam, something like three dirty toilets knock me off my ROCKER.
If I knew I was who I was (follow?) than not only would dirty toilets at midnight not bother me, but I suspect I wouldn't have let them get dirty for that long in the first place.
This isn't about toilets, you know. It is about insecurity. It is about the way insecurity creeps up on me in unsuspected ways and smothers me until I can't stand to be around me. I can't breath in my own skin. "This can't be me," I say in desperation. "I am not leave-the-toilets-uncleaned-girl!" I exclaim. "What man wants to pee in an uncleaned toilet!" another wail in my head says. And before you know it, I have turned into, "Must clean all toilets immediately," girl who is thinking about waking her husband who fell asleep on the couch. This girl wants to tell him to come to bed, but what if he needs to pee before he goes to sleep? And then, what if he is disgusted that his wife can't clean and/or delegate the toilets to be cleaned daily? And then I remember I am 30. 30. 30 doesn't sound as sexy as 18. Or as skinny. (And I already WENT through the awakening telling me my weight doesn't make people love or not love me-- another blog folks-- yet still those thoughts are fought back every once in a while) So not only is my husband married to a 30 year old, he is married to a 30 year old who can't manage toilet cleaning. That's right.
So, I cleaned the damn three toilets. Then I told my husband to go to bed.
I am tempted to end the post there and if I was secure in myself perhaps I would. But for those confused by middle of the night ramblings, I will wrap this one up.
It isn't that I am 30 almost 31 (age is relative! My 40 something friend likes to tell me) or that I didn't clean my toilets lately (I haven't cleaned mine in a week another friend might say to comfort me in times such as these), or that my husband will ever truly not love me down to the soles of his feet (cause he always will). It is that I would like to be more secure than I am. I also would like to know myself and that these things bug me in the middle of the night-- so I should either get them done during the day or learn to harass my children to do their already delegated jobs. I would like to take a look at me and say-- you are okay-- and have that be a rock hard, no openings or weaknesses to exploit type of armor. I am working on it. Want to work on it with me?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
How I Feel About it Right Now
(This past summer my boys fascinated by a butterfly)
How hard is it to live in the moment? Oh my goodness. Every time I think to myself,
"Just look around. What is going on right now?"
I fight through a buzz of cleaning, cooking, and parenting lists-- pushing them each aside with umph until I finally find that calm and peaceful place that is called PRESENT. I remember doing that this day. Buzzing through my overcrowded brain until-- oh, look... a butterfly...
Speaking of chubby cheeks. You didn't mention chubby cheeks? Huh.
Anyways. Those pictures didn't have all that much to do with this post.
Have there been prayers lately? Like, heartfelt and full of tears, snot, and desperation prayers? Have you sat in your bathroom (alone at last) and gushed out pain and frustration to God. Not necessarily words, because there usually aren't words in those situations, but all the other elements of prayer were there? If so, I feel ya. I hear ya.
I've had those prayers too. Lately I noticed something. Those problems that cause those prayers sometimes don't go away no matter how much you wish they would in those bathroom (again, ALONE AT LAST!) moments. Those issues you are crying about don't go away no matter how many prayers asking for sweet release. They just, stay.
They stay.
So... What to do... Well I'll tell you what I did. I kinda stopped praying about that issue bugging me. I was like... What's the point? Nothing happens when I pray about that and I'm pretty sure I will like, go to hell if I feel disappointed about that. (You know, cause angels always remember that God has his own will and timing, while hellions complain about it.) So how about I just don't put myself in the situation of being frustrated with God and his way of leaving my "issues" here and now instead of whisking them blissfully away. How about that?
So, while I still prayed over how in the world to parent my exceptionally exceptional children, safety, and all the other things, I stopped praying over this.... thing.
Then today I was having a hard time. I decided I would ignore it. I would push on and ignore my hard time. When friends called and asked what was up I would lie. As I went about fulfilling my obligations I would put on fake face and pretend I was good. It was going to be legendary.
Then I received this sweet text from a friend telling me she just felt she needed to check up on me and she asked me how I was doing.
You know those moments? Those moments where God gives you a smack and says-- "Girl, I am here. Not in the way you would like me to be here. But I am always here. Though I am not taking away all of your sorrows, I am helping you through this. Don't forget all the ways I am helping you through this. Also, don't forget all the ways I could help you through this if you prayed about it."
You know those ones?
Well. I remembered. I felt humbled. Mostly I began thinking about what it all meant. This is how I feel about it right now.
God loves me. Simple as that. If he loves me-- well... He DEFINITELY loves you.
The end.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
If I lose, I want to lose happily
Is your life a race?
I find something so relieving about reading or listening to Conference talks that seem to be telling me to slow down. When I read council saying-- take it slow- my body, mind, and soul sigh. I literally feel my spirit taking a hopeful breath and my tired brain thinks,
"Would that be okay, 'cause I'm exhausted."
Every once in a while I like to stop and think--- what are my priorities?
This talk by President Thomas S Monson is the latest of many talks I have read about slowing down and thinking about what matters. I liked these parts.
"In this fast-paced life, do we ever pause for moments of meditation—even thoughts of timeless truths?
"...when times of crisis arise, when loved ones are hurt or injured, when sickness enters the house of good health, when life’s candle dims and darkness threatens. Our thoughts become focused, and we are easily able to determine what is really important and what is merely trivial."
I really need these reminders. I'm so grateful for the drink of water Conference is. I can let other voices tell me what I need or should be doing much too often. And most often, it is my own inner demon voice tormenting me day by day.
It says,
Utter Girl, your house is messy.
Utter Girl, your grass ought to be cut more often.
Utter Girl, you do not cook enough.
Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time at the gym.
Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time on your hair and make up. I mean, how many days in a row has your hair looked like that??
It says other things. Harsher things. Cruel things. I am my own worst critic and it seems sometimes that the only answer to the many calls of my inner voice is to just move faster.
When I became sick a year and a half ago and then remained sick thereafter (to varying degrees), I began to notice that the first thing to go was the house. It became messier. Then, my grass rarely was cut. I certainly didn't get to the gym, and my hair was often ugly, while makeup became non-existent.
But what really really bugged me in the back of my SOUL were thoughts of my family.
Are the boys happy enough? Have we walked together in nature enough? Do they see their friends enough? Am I spending enough time chatting with them? Does my husband feel supported enough? Am I serving my friends enough? Am I spending enough time on my calling? Do those I love feel loved???
I had questions and nagging thoughts still, but the questions changed. I also found that I could live with the first set of things going, but I absolutely hated letting the second set of things be neglected. The first set of things were things that made me look as if I had it together, but the second set of things were what truly needed to be held together.
Does that make sense?
This past six months has brought on an improvement in my health, and with it, more capability to keep up with the lists. But I'm tired sometimes. And I hope I will remember the next time I am tired that the best thing for my soul and for my eternal happiness is to slow down. Then, after I slow down, to think and ponder about lessons I've learned about what matters. I hope that I let go of the things that make me appear like I have it together, and I focus on the things that really keep me together. Because if I go to sleep at night having gone to the gym, done my hair, cleaned my home and with a manicured lawn-- yet I didn't spend time with my children, didn't serve my amazing friends, my husband felt neglected because I was much too tired to spend time with him after hurriedly putting the kids to bed--- those are the things that will keep me up at night. Those are the things my soul will cry out over. Weeping over lost time with chubby cheeks, tiny voices, and loving arms around me. These are the things I can't live happily without. So if I am tired enough that I need to choose, I want to just teach myself to slow down and pick the better part. I know my soul will give that wonderful sigh if I do. That wonderful sigh of true content.
+
I find something so relieving about reading or listening to Conference talks that seem to be telling me to slow down. When I read council saying-- take it slow- my body, mind, and soul sigh. I literally feel my spirit taking a hopeful breath and my tired brain thinks,
"Would that be okay, 'cause I'm exhausted."
Every once in a while I like to stop and think--- what are my priorities?
This talk by President Thomas S Monson is the latest of many talks I have read about slowing down and thinking about what matters. I liked these parts.
"In this fast-paced life, do we ever pause for moments of meditation—even thoughts of timeless truths?
"...when times of crisis arise, when loved ones are hurt or injured, when sickness enters the house of good health, when life’s candle dims and darkness threatens. Our thoughts become focused, and we are easily able to determine what is really important and what is merely trivial."
I really need these reminders. I'm so grateful for the drink of water Conference is. I can let other voices tell me what I need or should be doing much too often. And most often, it is my own inner demon voice tormenting me day by day.
It says,
Utter Girl, your house is messy.
Utter Girl, your grass ought to be cut more often.
Utter Girl, you do not cook enough.
Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time at the gym.
Utter Girl, you did not spend enough time on your hair and make up. I mean, how many days in a row has your hair looked like that??
It says other things. Harsher things. Cruel things. I am my own worst critic and it seems sometimes that the only answer to the many calls of my inner voice is to just move faster.
When I became sick a year and a half ago and then remained sick thereafter (to varying degrees), I began to notice that the first thing to go was the house. It became messier. Then, my grass rarely was cut. I certainly didn't get to the gym, and my hair was often ugly, while makeup became non-existent.
But what really really bugged me in the back of my SOUL were thoughts of my family.
Are the boys happy enough? Have we walked together in nature enough? Do they see their friends enough? Am I spending enough time chatting with them? Does my husband feel supported enough? Am I serving my friends enough? Am I spending enough time on my calling? Do those I love feel loved???
I had questions and nagging thoughts still, but the questions changed. I also found that I could live with the first set of things going, but I absolutely hated letting the second set of things be neglected. The first set of things were things that made me look as if I had it together, but the second set of things were what truly needed to be held together.
Does that make sense?
This past six months has brought on an improvement in my health, and with it, more capability to keep up with the lists. But I'm tired sometimes. And I hope I will remember the next time I am tired that the best thing for my soul and for my eternal happiness is to slow down. Then, after I slow down, to think and ponder about lessons I've learned about what matters. I hope that I let go of the things that make me appear like I have it together, and I focus on the things that really keep me together. Because if I go to sleep at night having gone to the gym, done my hair, cleaned my home and with a manicured lawn-- yet I didn't spend time with my children, didn't serve my amazing friends, my husband felt neglected because I was much too tired to spend time with him after hurriedly putting the kids to bed--- those are the things that will keep me up at night. Those are the things my soul will cry out over. Weeping over lost time with chubby cheeks, tiny voices, and loving arms around me. These are the things I can't live happily without. So if I am tired enough that I need to choose, I want to just teach myself to slow down and pick the better part. I know my soul will give that wonderful sigh if I do. That wonderful sigh of true content.
+
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Thing About Being Crazy Honest
I love being crazy honest. It is so cleansing. It is so freeing. I think it is funny when I fear opening up and being honest about something and then it turns out that I had nothing to fear. My brain is so crazy. The more often I am honest about how I am feeling at that very moment, the more I come to terms with that crazy brain, the more I understand myself, and the more I connect with others. So that is one of the very biggest reasons why I blog.
Understand this though. What I feel and write about so vehemently today, may be completely different by tomorrow. After I write out what I feel, the thing I love more than anything is hearing someone else's take on what I said. I love having discussions. Ah- discussions. Talk to me. Change my opinion. Tell me why I am fundamentally wrong. Teach me about you and where you come from. I want to learn from you. YOU. (Did you hear that?) By tomorrow I will have a completely different view-- and I hope you are okay with that. I feel that, as humans, we can have a tendency to want to keep people where they are in our memories. One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to allow each other to change. Allow me to grow, and maybe we will get along on this blog of mine. It is mine.
Lately I have been struggling with prayer. I also have been struggling with the doctrine of the church. What is it? Where is it? What is the definition of Doctrine? Why are there so many interpretations of the same scriptures? Why do we fight so hard for what we deem to be the correct interpretation? Why do we judge others so harshly for having a different interpretation of a scripture that isn't very clearly laid out? The Word of Wisdom is a perfect example of this to me. I have Vegan friends, grain free friends, gluten free friends, dairy free friends, friends that are juicers, friends that are against taking prescription meds, friends that love prescription meds, friends that hate cooking and buy everything at least semi premade, and friends who only eat what they cook and deem to be "real food". I love all of these people and I really love hearing about how they ended up on the path they are on. I like hearing their stories and interpretations of the Word of Wisdom and how on earth they decided that they could be so certain about that interpretation that they actually want to tell the world all about it. It fascinates me.
Anyways-- as much as I enjoy learning, I also get frustrated when doctrine isn't clear. I am a, "Tell me exactly what I need to do so I can go get it done, " type of personality.
Also, what am I praying for, exactly? To align myself with God's will? Really? Or am I supposed to tell him honestly all of my thoughts? Am I supposed to tell him all of my super silly thoughts, then listen and hope that what the spirit tells me afterwards makes my thoughts more in line with the way they should be? Probably. Mostly what seems to happen since I got sick though is this,
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to be alive and spend time with my children and husband today... Thank you for all the things you helped me accomplish, it felt really nice to get those things done. Please help me to do better tomorrow.... zzzzzzzzzz... {start awake!} ummm... (then I start to get really guilty feelings as I think of that quote, "What if tomorrow I only woke up to the things I thanked God for the night before?") Oh- Thank you so much for my husband and my children and my wonderful family and friends and .... zzzzzzzz.... "
Then I feel a gentle nudge from the spirit saying, "It is okay, just get in bed so you can rest your weary and aching bones."
And I end my prayer with gratitude for the kindness of our Heavenly Father, hoping I am not so exhausted tomorrow (which I will be-- experience people) and I climb in bed hoping for an excellent night of sleep and a fresh beginning to live life to its fullest tomorrow...
Perhaps my shorty prayers are proof that I am living life to it's fullest and that is why I am so dern tired. zzzzzzzz....
Goodnight my friends. Here is to fresh starts and understanding one another, rather than willfully misunderstanding, you know?
Understand this though. What I feel and write about so vehemently today, may be completely different by tomorrow. After I write out what I feel, the thing I love more than anything is hearing someone else's take on what I said. I love having discussions. Ah- discussions. Talk to me. Change my opinion. Tell me why I am fundamentally wrong. Teach me about you and where you come from. I want to learn from you. YOU. (Did you hear that?) By tomorrow I will have a completely different view-- and I hope you are okay with that. I feel that, as humans, we can have a tendency to want to keep people where they are in our memories. One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to allow each other to change. Allow me to grow, and maybe we will get along on this blog of mine. It is mine.
Lately I have been struggling with prayer. I also have been struggling with the doctrine of the church. What is it? Where is it? What is the definition of Doctrine? Why are there so many interpretations of the same scriptures? Why do we fight so hard for what we deem to be the correct interpretation? Why do we judge others so harshly for having a different interpretation of a scripture that isn't very clearly laid out? The Word of Wisdom is a perfect example of this to me. I have Vegan friends, grain free friends, gluten free friends, dairy free friends, friends that are juicers, friends that are against taking prescription meds, friends that love prescription meds, friends that hate cooking and buy everything at least semi premade, and friends who only eat what they cook and deem to be "real food". I love all of these people and I really love hearing about how they ended up on the path they are on. I like hearing their stories and interpretations of the Word of Wisdom and how on earth they decided that they could be so certain about that interpretation that they actually want to tell the world all about it. It fascinates me.
Anyways-- as much as I enjoy learning, I also get frustrated when doctrine isn't clear. I am a, "Tell me exactly what I need to do so I can go get it done, " type of personality.
Also, what am I praying for, exactly? To align myself with God's will? Really? Or am I supposed to tell him honestly all of my thoughts? Am I supposed to tell him all of my super silly thoughts, then listen and hope that what the spirit tells me afterwards makes my thoughts more in line with the way they should be? Probably. Mostly what seems to happen since I got sick though is this,
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to be alive and spend time with my children and husband today... Thank you for all the things you helped me accomplish, it felt really nice to get those things done. Please help me to do better tomorrow.... zzzzzzzzzz... {start awake!} ummm... (then I start to get really guilty feelings as I think of that quote, "What if tomorrow I only woke up to the things I thanked God for the night before?") Oh- Thank you so much for my husband and my children and my wonderful family and friends and .... zzzzzzzz.... "
Then I feel a gentle nudge from the spirit saying, "It is okay, just get in bed so you can rest your weary and aching bones."
And I end my prayer with gratitude for the kindness of our Heavenly Father, hoping I am not so exhausted tomorrow (which I will be-- experience people) and I climb in bed hoping for an excellent night of sleep and a fresh beginning to live life to its fullest tomorrow...
Perhaps my shorty prayers are proof that I am living life to it's fullest and that is why I am so dern tired. zzzzzzzz....
Goodnight my friends. Here is to fresh starts and understanding one another, rather than willfully misunderstanding, you know?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Did You Know?
Did you know, that if your kids want to be in a parade, there is a way to call up some of their friends and make that happen? Oh yes. You can decorate their bikes, scooters, really any contraption with wheels with streamers or balloons (or both), you can turn up the music really loud in your car, and you can follow as every one rides or pushes their contraption around the block and your kids will Totally feel like they have been in a parade.
In fact, your kids and those friends will feel glorious afterwards. What?
I just love the way summer inspires me to slow down and take time to create magic for my kids. It isn't even hard. That suprised me. I thought it would be harder.
I feel that deep down, I am a really terrible mother. I think I live in fear of that being true. Every day I look in the mirror, second guessing all of the decisions I make for my children. I wonder to myself, "Am I doing it all wrong? Do I really have any idea of what I am doing? Is that seriously a cobweb in my BLINDS?" The thing is, I really really want to do it right, and I live in fear that I am doing it wrong. Not just a little bit wrong either, like, psychological damage ruined life wrong. Sheesh I need more medication.
I think there is a point to this.
On days like the Parade Day, as I sit around the dinner table and hear the kids tell thier father with shining eyes that mom made a parade and they were in it, I feel deep down inside that maybe I did something right. I like that feeling and I try to repeat that feeling as often as possible.
And don't try to tell me I am a good mom. We don't really know each other well enough for you to do that. I think what I really wonder is-- do other mom's share my fear? Or am I the only one who feels, "God made me a mom and I am sure it is a joke he's playing on me most of the time."
Oh yes, God has a sense of humor. Don't ever doubt it.
If you do share that fear with me, what do you do to combat it? A parade? Maybe?
I feel like reading books to my children at night is a good mom thing too. I always feel like, "Man, I am an awesome mom. I like, read to my kids. Whew!" Isn't that funny? When we all sit down at the table for dinner at the same time, I feel pretty darn awesome too. Oh- family home evening is another one. If I am doing family home evening, I totally have an I'm a terrific person moment. What are your moments? Tell me tell me.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Peanut Butter? Um... No
"can make a butter samwich and eat it?"
The first time he asked me if he could do this we were going on a picnic. When I am trying to herd my children out the door for an event like this, I generally speak to all of them at once. So this day I said,
"Everyone make yourself a sandwich, put it in a baggy, then put it in your lunchbox so we can go have a picnic.
My third child, who is 4, had never made himself a sandwich before. I was running around like a crazy person filling water bottles with ice water, digging around for granola bars, and resurrecting lunch boxes that had been getting buried in the pantry since school had let out for summer. I suppose while I was doing this he was thinking,
"Hmmmm.... I am not very good at spreading things on bread like my brothers are. Is there a very soft substance that I also like to eat on bread? Then I can be big like them..."
I came back from crazy-finding-gathering-long-lost-lunch-paraphernalia land to Jackson proudly showing me a sandwich in a baggy inside his lunch box. He said,
"I made a butter sandwich!"
I said, "A peanut butter sandwich?"
He responded, "No, a butter sandwich."
Um. Okay.
He has made himself a butter sandwich nearly every day since then.
Ew.
But you should see him. His chubby cheeks lift towards the counter as he searches for creamy yellow butter from the butter dish with his knife. He concentrates as he determines that he is going to try to cut it in half by himself this time. The way he carefully brings his plate to the table and then the way he eats all but the crust and then declares, "I can cut all my samwiches in half by myself for you now mom. When you make grilled cheese, I will cut it for you." He gets this look in his eyes as he thinks about these glorious future moments of independence.
Dear little one. I hope I can give you more chances to feel independent in your life. I love the look you get in your eyes as you work for something you want. You inspire me to help all three of my boys have that look every day of their lives. You are so precious to me. I am so glad I am your mom.
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