Hope

So I have written about how I was a relatively healthy woman, able to do most of the tasks I wanted. I could take care of our children and home and my calling with ease. 

Then I became sick with a mystery sickness no doctor in my area could cure.  I was in bed most days and in pain.  I won't go into more detail.  It could be worse, right?  I remember that.

Well, I felt like finding out what was wrong with me, and when we had exhausted our resources of doctors in this area, I had the distinct feeling that it would be good to try to get into The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  I had my family doctor make an appointment.

I wanted to go to Mayo because I felt there are good doctors who work together in a different way than any other places I had been.  They have access to research and specialists who all work together to help me get better.  I have had friends go to Mayo and get treatment they did not get anywhere else.  Treatment that saved their lives.


Also, it felt right.  When I thought about trying to get into Mayo, it was the first time I felt like I was going the right direction.  I felt in my core that my Heavenly Father wanted me to go there.

My first appointment was December 1st and we are still here, staying in a hotel, while I complete all of my appointment.s

What I really want to write about is hope, though. 

I learned a thing or two about hope going to local doctors around my home.  I would go to my first appointment with a specialist, tell them my symptoms, they would tell me the possible diagnosis and schedule tests.  I would begin to hope.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop myself.  I would hope that this would be the time we would figure out what was bothering my body, we would treat it, and I would get better.  I would have visions of who I used to be and get excited to see her back again.

Then, when the tests came back I would go for a followup appointment.  The specialist would look at the results and say they didn't find anything.  Then he would look at me and say, "I'm sorry.  I don't know what is causing your symptoms."  He would send me away.  I would sit in my car and cry in disappointment.  Then I would try to remember how it could be worse.  It wasn't the end of the world.  And I would try to heal my heart with these thoughts.  I would recall all my blessings, because there are many.  I would feel ashamed that I forgot them.  After my tears were dry, I would drive home, resolving that I would try to not hope at my next appointment unless there was a reason.

So now here I am at Mayo, and I have seen a general internist who scheduled many tests for me.  After the test results are back I will meet with specialists here.

This is not a cheap trip, but I am willing to pay for answers that I haven't been able to find on my own.

I keep feeling guilty because I have the recurring thought, "What if it isn't worth it?  What if they don't find anything here either and I go home empty handed?  That would be an expensive mistake."

This morning I asked my sweet husband to turn off the TV for half an hour in our hotel room so I could read my scriptures.  I needed some quiet.  I need it every day, you know?  I opened my scriptures and I felt so empty, like I was just reading words on a page.

I have learned that when I am having a hard time feeling the spirit as I read my scriptures that it is good to try to come up with a question I would like answered.  Not just any trivial question if I really want to feel closer to my Heavenly Father, but the most burning question I have.  The question that has been occurring the most often and has been, deep down, causing me the most anxiety in my alone hours.

I was ashamed of my question so I almost didn't ask it, but I have learned to just ask because the results are always good when I am brave enough to just be honest with my God.

I wrote in my little notebook I like to always keep with me,

"Are we here at Mayo for a reason???"

In my mind I thought about all my other questions, "Is the money spent going to be worth it?  Am I wasting our time?  Will we get answers?"

Then I opened my scriptures and began to read where I have a marker in the Book of Mormon.

I am reading in 2Nephi lately, I am in chapter 10.  As I read I began to quiet my mind.  I pushed out all my doubts and worries and just tried to be quiet, another thing I have learned is useful when seeking to feel closer to God.

Then I came to verse 10.  At the end of the verse it says this,

"..For he has spoken it, and who can dispute?"

A thought came to my mind,

"Where is your faith?"

I thought about all the times I had felt so good about coming here.  I know who gave me those feelings after I had studied it out and decided it was a good thing to do.  I am supposed to be here. 

That makes this time different.  I have faith in those experiences with my God. 

So I can hope.

That is why the order is faith then hope.

I can hope this time because I have faith we are here for a reason.

I learned about why it goes in that order this morning.

If I have faith that God told me it would be good to be here, then this time, it is also okay to hope.  I just need to have faith.

I hope you followed that.  I feel a bit out of practice!

I Have Been Thinking...

The other night I had some wonderful couples over for a date night.  The women naturally gravitated towards the kitchen and lovely chit chat while the men gravitated towards a football game I graciously told my husband he could keep on low...  (Not that I tell him what to do...)

Since the women were in the kitchen, we started munching on some of the yummy snacks that were brought over.  Since we were munching-- talk started turning towards weight, body type, dieting, losing weight, exactly how much each woman felt she needed to lose...

Okay so this is what has been on my mind ever since.

All of the ladies that were in my home were so lovely.  I don't just say these things.  They were sincerely lovely and I would stop and stare if I saw them walking down the street.  I do that.

Not only that-- but let me say that these women are intelligent.  Not only are they book smart, but they are life experience smart.  They have some of the most beautiful lives because of challenges they are brave enough to overcome daily.  They have that glow about them that only comes to those who have faith.  They are lovely.  Like I said.

Yet here they were talking about weight.  Diet.  Perceived imperfections.  Yes, I am going to say perceived, because I just don't see it. 

I.  Just.  Don't.  See.  It.

I am a person who believes in acknowledging weaknesses.  I LOVE people who are constantly trying to improve themselves, their lives, and the lives of the people around them.  I am happiest when I am improving something, be it my soul, my home, my life, someone else's life, etc.

But there is just something about complaining about a lovely body shape that irks me. Especially when you pair that body shape with a lovely mind.  I mean, there is no comparison.

I believe that one of the first steps to overcoming this tendency is to learn to love many different body shapes. 

Because it is silly to just believe there is one lovely shape.

Discuss.

Maybe You Won't Get What I am Trying to Say.

I am laying awake and thinking.  I am wondering why I am not brave sometimes.

At critical times, I am cowardly. 

Would you like to journey into my thoughts for a moment?

You see, I am a wonderful woman.  God loves me, and I love Him.  I am someone worth fighting for.  I know when things are going wrong and I also know when things are going right.  I know when I am disappointed, but I also see all of the amazing and miraculous things that go right.

I know it is very hard to be sick for 8 months with something doctors can't seem to figure out.  I know this.  I know that everything I do every day comes at a price.  I know that sometimes, I don't have enough to pay the price, and I look up to heaven and ask Him to pay it for me, and He does. 

Yet instead of congratulating myself and therefore my God at the end of the day for all I was willing to accomplish in spite of the price---  I tell myself it wasn't enough.

Cowardly.

Instead of basking in happiness and joy at the woman I am becoming through this trial, I look over at my pile of laundry and let it tell me that I am not a good wife.  I let the unclean floors tell me I am not a good mother.  I let uncleaned dishes and children who complained about having to go to bed (really?  I mean, it happens every night!  It shouldn't be a surprise...)  say that I am not a good homemaker.  That I am not a good mother.

Isn't it easy to acknowledge where we fall short?  And isn't taking the easy way out cowardly?

Tonight, I was lying in my bed with a book, feeling so exhausted from my sickness, paying a price I could hardly bear to pay for the efforts I squeezed out of my will today.  And all I could think about was the way I didn't fold the laundry today.  Not one scrap of it.  I also have a few dirty dishes in my sink and my floors are GROSS!!!!  I kept telling myself that I was a failure and a burden on my family.  That they deserve better than me.  It was weighing on my chest so much that I felt it was actually crushing.

My husband came in then and demanded my attention.  I didn't want to give it.  I was taking the cowardly way out, dwelling on my shortcomings deep down, and also trying to drown it out with a book and  it was taking all of my concentration!  But he kept asking for my attention and I gave it, though unwillingly.

He asked what was bothering me.  I told him I was just feeling so frustrated over the way I am a failure.

He told me I was not a failure.  I pointed at the pile of laundry as proof.

He began listing off the things I did do and keeping track of it on his hands.  He listed simple things like how my boys were fed, showered, and in pajamas.  How I put them to bed.  How I made dinner.  How I made dessert.  How I made breakfast.  How I cleaned three toilets, two bathtubs, and two bathroom sinks.  How I dusted the whole house and deep cleaned the lights (They were so gross).  How I watched children for a friend.  How I sent out invitations to a game night at our house this weekend.  How I made sure the kids did homework, practiced the piano, and played outside.  By the time he got to the forties, he told me I could stop listing things I HAD accomplished because, "Now you are just showing off..."

He lightened my heart with truth.  What I had accomplished was all worth it.  But what should make me even more proud is that I did these things at a high cost.  It is not easy.  Yet I do it. 

It takes bravery to tell myself that instead of telling myself I am not good enough.

People expect you to be hard on yourself.  People expect you to not thing highly of yourself. 

And believe me, most of the time I dwell on what I don't do.

But I think my husband taught me something tonight. 

He taught me that I am wonderful.  That I do many great things.  And as I think of it more deeply, I know that I do great things at a great price.  That is making me stronger.  When I lie in bed paying the price, I can lift my voice up to heaven and ask for patience and endurance through it.  I am always helped.  God is good that way. 

I am going to try harder to be brave.  To see myself as a valued daughter of God.  A good person who gives what she has, and sometimes a bit more, because the Lord is with me.  It is scary because it is not the norm. 

But I don't want to be a coward.  I want to be brave and see myself as God sees me every day. 

Can't Sleep... Must Write

(picture source)

I was writing in this very book last Sunday.  I like to keep a pretty blank journal with me, of a smaller size so I can tuck it into my purse and jot down any spiritual impressions I receive.  I find that it is comforting and enlightening to go back and review what I have written.  I often forget the little things the spirit whispers to me if it isn't life altering or shattering.

As I reviewed my notes from church last Sunday, I came across a thought I had jotted down and I would like to explore it right now.

The instructor of the class I was in must have said this,

"The Atonement brings healing."

Under this quote I wrote,

"Physical too?  Do I need physical if I am healed emotionally?"

Growing up I was told over and over again, "Remember who you are."

Over the years I have come to think that means to remember that God created me, just as I am, and He doesn't make mistakes.  So I should accept myself as well as God accepts me.  Completely.

Lately it has been difficult for me to accept that I am limited and sick over half of the time. I don't like it.

My first thought after the instructor talked of healing was of physical healing.  Was it possible for the Atonement to help me physically.

But I thought about how I have been taught to accept myself the way God made me.

If I could tap into the Atonement and be healed of all negative thoughts about my limitations, would I even need to be healed physically?

If I was just okay with myself sick as I am well-- what would be the problem here? 

Not that it would stop being difficult.

Not that my family wouldn't sometimes have challenges it wouldn't have if I was well. 

Not that my friends would suddenly stop having to help me on short notice when I get sick.  (and they don't have to, they just want to.  Unfathomable)

But I just would stop fighting these consequences.  I would accept it as well as I ever accepted being well, because I would know God made me this way .  Whatever challenges I, my family, and my friends have because of it, are all needed.  So there is no reason to worry or stress.

Can the atonement help me this way?  Oh yes, I am thinking it could.

Will I let it?

Introducing: da-dada-daaaaa..... Another Utter Girl

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I want to write, but my thoughts feel like they are stumbling on 'shoulds' and stuff - what I should say, how I should say it, what other people want, how I can get across my message so it is perceived the way I intend... What should matter to me... What should be important enough to write about... What is even worthy of being glanced over by some other reader...

What could I - a simple, stay-at-home mom, with no large resume to show - have to offer any one else? Nothing. Nothing I could possibly offer is worthy, or is going to end world hunger or anything. I think that is why it has taken so long for me to post my first post here. There are so many women and men out there who are more interesting, more witty, with deeper experience, with greater passion and drive for what they do, education up the wahzoo, and I have so much to learn from them. So why should I put my two cents anywhere?

And my answer is, cuz I want to, that's all. And I need to. Yes, need. It just can't sit inside me forever, I'm sorry, or something would explode. There is this urge for me to just write, whether anyone reads it or not, ya know? Putting my thoughts out onto a public space is risky - it is taking that risk of being rejected, defeated, argued against, belittled or shamed because of thoughts, feelings, or perceptions I may have. But it is liberating, too. It is liberating because it is like saying, 'I face this possible rejection head on, fearlessly'! And you lay it all out on the table to be either savored and gobbled up, or butchered and thrown to the dogs.

But in the end it doesn't matter if someone likes it and someone doesn't. What matters is that it gets outside of me. So here is my beginning on Utter It. Get ready for some quirky stuff, guys. You're getting the whole gamut of: me.

Simplifying and I Don't Get Along

So last Sunday and Monday I attempted to take my life and reorganize it onto paper.  I thought to myself-- if I stick to this paper, I can balance.  I also thought, if I remember God, it may even feel good.

First the good moments--

In moments of good pondering and remembering God, and also talking with stellar friends I felt like life is good.

I am always trying to say this, but it hasn't come out this way.

Life isn't perfect, but it is oh so good.  I am really, truly happy.  I have my reasons, all of which may or may not be boring to you.  I am going to list the things that make my soul sing.

My. Husband.  Rocks.  He is there for me.  He is righteous.  His heart is HUGE.  He listens.  He laughs.  He watches all my favorite shows with me.  He loves me.  I love him.

I have amazing friends, and between all of them-- I can bare my soul in chat, I can inflict my kids on them with hardly any notice if I am not feeling well, I can make them let me borrow their kids so my children can have some fun times at our house, I can laugh and have girl nights or shop shop shop.  I haven't always had that and I know what it does for me.

I have soft, cuddly children who smile and have eyes that light up in special ways only for me.  That makes my heart full to bursting!

I have a body that can still cook up some rockin food, and I sure do love rockin food. Oh yes.

I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I have a charmed life.  It is absolutely wonderful.

Not perfect-- and I deal with some of the not perfect things on this blog. But wonderful. Truly wonderful.

So this week I found myself expressing some of these good things to myself and others and that was fun!

Now--  For the bad.

I am not very good at obeying a schedule.  Nope.  But I did my best.  I brought my children each afternoon to a friends house, and most days I came home and took a nice nap.  But two of the days I had unavoidable doctor appointments during "nap time".  Also, I found myself feeling like a failure if I had sick mornings that sucked away the precious hours of awake time with time spent... I will spare you the gory details, but I was sick every morning this week except yesterday.  We missed a dentist appointment for all three boys.  Bummer.  I would watch the clock inching towards "nap time" and I would feel like a failure for not doing the things on my list which really needed to be done.

So, I need to remember flexibility and forgiveness for myself.  I am not who I want to be.  I do not accomplish all I want to accomplish.  My house is currently not clean.  My floors are a mess.  (I hate mess on my floors). 

But--  We had a really good dinner last night.  We also had a really tasty dessert that my boys have been eating and loving the past few days.  I had a girls night this past week.  My boys enjoyed one of the last weeks of summer because of playing and swimming with friends every afternoon this week.  I laughed and talked with my husband after the kids were in bed many nights this week because I was rested from the breaks I had from the kids every day.  Life is so good.  Why should I complain about my imperfections when life is so good?  Why should I ever be hard on myself for things out of my control when I am doing my absolute best?  Another good thing that came out of this week is I can look back and know I gave my absolute best.  I was watching the clock.  I worked when I was well enough.  I tried to rest during resting times.  I gave life my all this week. 

What more can I ask of myself?

The mission this week-- forgive and forget.

I have a few other thoughts too.  Another post for another day.

Why Do I Do This?

Before I read my scriptures in the morning I sometimes like to think about what is bothering me the most.  I try to think of what question I have asked myself the most lately.  What is really going on in my mind?  What have I not addressed with my Heavenly Father.  What am I not bringing to the healer?

Today I picked up my actual scriptures-- which is new.  I have been using my phone and my scripture app for some time.

My scriptures have been with me through every major event in my life.  I think of them like a journal.  I love them and would be so sad to lose them. 

I was staring at my closed scriptures and thought to myself, "Why am I doing this today?  What is it that I should be asking that I'm not?" 

No answer came, so I just opened them.  I opened them to 1Nephi 8:21

"And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood."

That is what I am trying to do too.  This is a passage about Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life.  The path leads to that tree.  That is me lately, don't you think?  I talk of finding balance and purpose in my life and how much of a struggle it is.  Maybe I should think of this process a bit differently.

I am just one of many who are struggling to find the tree of life, "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy."

The fruit is the love of God.  My focus has been on me and all that I need to do to feel content, happy.  Also it has been on how to make others happy through service.  How to balance family, friends, myself. 

If God has really given me this trial (He has) then maybe my focus could be more on why I am doing this every day.  Why am I trying to balance and live life to the fullest of my capabilities?

I just want to be happy.  I know that takes balance.  But mostly, I know it takes staying on the path.  And staying on the path leads me to what?

The love of God.

Maybe my focus should be feeling the love of God everyday. 

That is why I do this.  Why I begin each day with reading and studying the word of God.  Why I fall to my knees and pray.  Even when it feels routine, I know the promise connected to this commandment is feeling the love of God and  hearing His voice guide me in times of need.  Reading the scriptures helps me recognize the voice of the spirit.  That is why I do it.  I know there are other requirements and I strive to live up to them, this is just something I can do perfectly.  There aren't many commandments I can do perfectly;).

 I feel happy when I feel the love of God for me and for others.  It would be nice to just simplify my life down to that.  Pleasing Heavenly Father.  So in all of my sticking to a schedule and living my life fully for myself and family and all my other goals this week---  I think I will stop and pray more.  I will ask, "How wouldst though have me feel right now?"  And I will feel more peace and love and happiness if I remember to do that.  He is so loving.  Even with all of my mistakes, I have never asked that question and felt horrible.  Have you?  When I am not doing something quite right, he redirects me gently, but always I am filled with overwhelming peace and love.  I feel like my life just became simple as I thought of remembering why I do this.  Good.  Simple is very good lately.